I Took a Female Ejaculation Class

You know that thing that most women did when they were 14, where they squatted over a mirror to discover their own vaginas? Maybe it’s my culturally instilled Iranian guilt about the female body but I only did that for the first time last year. I'm 2...

May 29 2013, 4:52pm

Some people call vaginas "clams."

You know that thing that most women did when they were 14, where they squatted over a mirror to discover their own vaginas? Maybe it’s my culturally instilled Iranian guilt about the female body but I only did that for the first time last year. I'm 24! And when I saw what was down there I said, "EW, GROSS!" A few months ago, I got a UTI for the second time in my whole life and I told my boyfriend to call my mom to come pick me up and take me to the ER because I was sure that I was dying. I just recently had a yeast infection and I almost had a mental breakdown, threatening to end it all. My boyfriend is always trying to be an attentive lover, or whatever, and always asks me what I like sexually. I just stare blankly at him and put on another Rihanna song on YouTube. I like Rihanna. A few weeks ago, he told me that he feels lucky that he is getting to experience a young woman discover her body. I silently picked up my laptop, turned off all the lights, and updated my Facebook status to "I feel ashamed." The next morning I made a promise to myself that I would get to know my vagina better. So, I signed up for a sex seminar on the G-spot and female ejaculation and brought my boyfriend along.

At the seminar, I was the youngest one there by at least ten years. It made me feel good about myself. I felt mature, or something. I guess everyone my age just learns about sex and vaginas by watching porn, which kind of explains why most of my sexual experiences have been like kind of whatever. I was expecting some real freaky deakys to show up, but everyone looked really normal. I remember thinking, "That guy who just commented about how he really likes the taste of female ejaculation looks a lot like my fifth grade teacher." The freakiest guy there was this dude with a tongue ring who, after half an hour, raised his hand and asked if the seminar was almost over.

Some people refer to them as "tacos."

To be honest, I didn't learn much and I was kind bored. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the majority of the time was spent holding and passing around different kinds of dildos. I recently watched an old episode of Law and Order: SVU, and in that episode, the detectives raid an underground sex dungeon. I guess I thought it would be more like that. The instructor also showed us this weird porno. The woman in the video had these awful fake boobs and the guy had french manicured nails and overly plucked eyebrows and a really ugly, green button up shirt, along with one of those chin strap facial hair beards.

But here’s what I did learn: every woman has a G-spot. You can feel it. It's that part a few inches inside of a woman, on the front wall, that actually feels and looks like a walnut. The ejaculate is stored in the paraurethral gland. The paraurethral gland is the female prostate. Just like it’s healthy for men to drain the male prostate through prostate massage, it’s important for women to practice draining the gland, too. While the G-spot is being stimulated, the woman might feel the intense urge to pee. This is normal, because your G-spot and bladder are very close to each other. When that urge is felt the woman shouldn't tense up but rather bear down and embrace it. Female ejaculation is not pee. But sometimes it is.

A good way to test whether or not what came out is pee or ejaculate is to taste and smell the discharge. Female ejaculation tastes and smells sweet. But, ladies, if you did pee the bed, don't feel ashamed! If your boyfriend or girlfriend makes you feel embarrassed or gross about it, you should probably dump him/her. Doing Kegel exercises can help a woman achieve a G-spot orgasm, and further help her to ejaculate. The more you do them, the farther you can squirt! A test to see if you do enough Kegel exercises would be to put a peeled banana in your pussy. Make sure to cover the banana with a ziploc bag to avoid a yeast infection. You should be able to cut the banana in half just by squeezing your pussy muscles!

You can just blame Jason Biggs for this one.

And to the men: size doesn't matter! The instructor told us a lot about her ex-lovers and her first boyfriend used to give her g-spot orgasms because, as she put it, he was “blessed with a short and curved dick.” Most dicks are too long and they miss the G-spot, completely. So, stop Googling penis enhancement exercises and get your angles right. A good trick is to place some pillows underneath her pelvis so that it tilts forward. This way, you can actually hit her G-spot. The instructor also told us that another one of her ex-lovers used to keep the lights on, and make unflinching eye contact. He would watch her face for reactions and that way he knew when to keep doing something or when to move on to the next thing. But, I don't know. If I had it my way, there would be no eye contact, and all the lights would stay off.

The most important thing I learned from the seminar—aside from the fact that it is a very strange experience to watch a porno with a group of strangers—is that I don't even want to know how to squirt. I am an adult baby-woman, so the whole process kind of scares me and seems too messy. Plus, the instructor told us a story about her friend who learned how to squirt and couldn't turn it off and she ended up squirting on her mom's couch when she was doing it with her boyfriend. I would for real kill myself if that ever happened to me. My Iranian family would not be down with that shit. But if you're into squirting and want to learn how, it's beautiful, and I support you. Take a class, read a book, and remember to put a towel down when you are doing it on your mom’s couch.

Drawings by Lyndsay Pomerantz.

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