Young Quebec Candidate's Remark About Wanting Her Cellphone, A Penis, and Chips Is Pretty Much Perfect
If only more politicians were as honest about what they really wanted.
A number of young Canadian voters are pretty much fucked when it comes to being able to cast a ballot in the upcoming election. Fewer still have any chance of winning a seat in parliament.
So you can't help but then admire the handful of fledgling politicians who toss their hat into the ring. Bright-eyed and bushy tailed, they make bold proclamations about lower tuitions and conservation.
And then the dream abruptly ends. Inevitably, some pesky social media post from those racist/homophobic/generally asinine adolescent years makes its way into the public sphere. Cue the shamefaced apology and, depending on the severity, prompt resignation.
Let's look at a few recent examples:
There was Deborah Drever, the Alberta MLA who was booted from the NDP shortly after the May election because of an Instagram post in which she referred to former PC party leaders Jim Prentice and Ric McIver as "gay boyz." (Note to Drever: step your burn game up, girl.)
More recently, Conservative Toronto Centre candidate Julian Di Battista had some 'splainin to do when, in a cached blog entry titled "Guns don't kill people," he's seen gleefully toting a handgun next to a bullet-riddled Saddam Hussein "target." He also called Ontarians "idiots" for voting Liberal and lamented the impact of affirmative action on white men.
In Calgary, federal Liberal candidate Ala Buzreba, 21, a self-described "passionate community organizer," dropped out of the race when rage-fuelled tweets from her past surfaced.
"Go blow your brains out you waste of sperm," she advised one follower, while telling a staunch Israel supporter, "your mother should have used that coat hanger."
Although I have a modicum of empathy for these three—who hasn't busted out the abortion card during a heated debate?—they spewed some pretty hateful shit and ultimately deserved the respective shitstorms they created.
That brings us to Bloc Quebecois hopeful VirJiny (formerly Virginia) Provost.
Just 18, Provost is catching some heat for her answer to a question she was asked on an online forum last year: In the event of a nuclear disaster, what three items would you need to survive?
Her response? My cellphone, a penis, and lots of chips.
After the news broke, a spokesman for the Bloc said the party would talk to Provost and her campaign team, but that she will not be reprimanded.
Why would anyone consider reprimanding her? The woman deserves a slow clap. "Cellphone, a penis and lots of chips" is an objectively perfect answer.
Think about it: The world has been nuked. After all the fires die down, there's nothing but barren wasteland and a surplus of radiation that leaves literally everything on earth with some form of cancer.
It's tragic, sure, but once the shock wears off you find yourself... kinda bored. Maybe a little peckish. And eventually, let's face it, you're gonna wanna get laid.
Frankly, at a time like that, I can't think of anything more comforting than playing Candy Crush while stuffing my face with BBQ flavoured Doritos and occasionally jerking off. For a lot of us, this is probably an ideal Sunday.
A more seasoned politician might have said something about wanting medical supplies and a Bible. Play it safe; toe the party line. But who can relate to that?
VirJiny Provost keeps it real. She keeps it so real she opted for a "penis" instead of a "dildo" the arguably more sanitary, but synthetic choice. And note that she didn't say "man with a penis"—she wants a rogue penis, sans dude, which is a pretty clear sign she's a feminist.
VirJiny if you're reading this, don't feel bad about the way you answered this question. Maybe feel bad about changing your name to include an arbitrary intercap and wanting it to rhyme with Ginny Weasley of Harry Potter. Maybe you should rethink that one at some point. But on the cellphone, penis, chips front, you fucking nailed it. If I lived in Quebec and wanted to separate from the rest of Canada, you would have my vote.
Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.