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Satanists Turned the Founder of the Westboro Baptist Church’s Mom Gay

The Satanic Temple, a burgeoning community of worship devoted to the Dark Lord, has performed a “Pink Mass” over the grave of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Jr.’s mother. A Pink Mass is a ritual performed after death designed to turn a...

by Jonathan Smith
Dec 25 2013, 12:00am

Photos via the Satanic Temple

The Satanic Temple, a burgeoning community of worship devoted to the Dark Lord, has performed a “Pink Mass” over the grave of Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps Jr.’s mother. A Pink Mass is a ritual performed after death designed to turn a straight person into a homo, regardless of whether or not that person is currently alive. It’s not unlike the Mormon practice of baptizing the dead, only instead of being blessed with holy water, the person’s spirit becomes totally gay.

On Sunday the Satanic Temple, which first came into the national spotlight last January when the organization announced its support for Florida Governor Rick, went to the Phelps family graveyard in Mississippi to perform the ritual. Lucien Greaves, the Temple’s spokesperson, told me a Pink Mass is performed by TK.

Two Pink Masses were performed, one with a female couple and another with men. The idea for the mass came about in April when WBC announced their intention to protest the funerals of the Boston Bombing victims. The church never showed up, but later issued a statement saying they were there “in spirit.” As is always the case when WBC does or says anything, both the initial plans and the subsequent statement pissed off everyone in the world, including Satanists. And so the Satanic Temple decided “that a same-sex couple celebrating ceremony at the gravesite of Fred Phelps’s mother was an appropriate way to meet the Westboro Baptists, ‘in spirit’, but this time on our terms.”

After the Pink Mass was performed, the spirit of Catherine Idalette Johnston was officially into other chicks, meaning her gravesite is a viable target for one of her son’s “god hates fags” protests. The press release states that “The Satanic Temple now believes that Fred Phelps must believe that his mother is now gay, in the afterlife, due to our Pink Mass… And nobody can challenge our right to our beliefs.”

The Temple is encouraging other gay couples to make the trek to Magnolia cemetery in Mississippi and perform their own Pink Mass at the grave. According to the Temple, every time a same-sex couple makes out over the grave of a Pink Mass recipient, the spirit of the deceased “is pleasured in the afterlife,” presumably with spooky ghost orgasms.

In addition to providing vocal support for Governors and turning ghosts gay, the Satanic Temple has launched a bid to adopt a highway in New York City. They are hoping that their Pink Masses will raise awareness for their highway campaign, which is lacking in public support. You can watch a video about the project above, and they’ve set up an indiegogo page where you can donate money and help the Temple achieve their dream of contributing to the betterment of society by keeping our highways clean and litter-free.

In conclusion, your mom likes to scissor now, Fred.