First thing: who knew that Lil’ Jon was still making music?
Second thing: What the fuck is going on in his new video?
Let’s take a look.
“Turnt Up”, a phrase adopted by humans who can’t handle alcohol, literally means to turn everything up to the highest degree. Which is probably why this video starts on the roof of a desolate building with one lone guy gurning, the way that most people’s turnt up nights usually finish when they finally wake up with half their face inside a bin. To make things easier, I am going to call this guy Arnold.
It quickly transpires that Arnold is not a normal guy. Why? Because most normal guys that I know do not body-slam cold hard concrete. Even if their friend promised them a massive bonus from the lad-bank.
Arnold body slams the concrete because he wants to gain access to a girl’s apartment. Say what you like about frag-outs and ram-raiding, this is next-level break-and-entry. Though, he’s not here for trouble because once inside, Arnold precedes to engage in the sort of rollicking on the sofa dance-moves implemented by 5-year-olds who’ve ingested a party-bag worth of E numbers.
For no reason, Arnold decides to fuck the TV.
Because the TV “had a really long day and just wants to go to sleep”, he mounts the coffee table. Clearly disturbed because a man has exploded through the ceiling and started dry-rubbing her household appliances, the girl tries to call the police.
Arnold grabs the phone off her, shouts down it, and turns the policeman’s face into a Damien Hirst because, why not?! He does what he likes.
Arnold then smashes the phone on his monster cock, and raises an important question. Is he the first guy in the world to have a penis with superpowers?
To test this hypothesis, the girl starts throwing the rest of her house at his cornholer.
Soon, the house is a mess, Arnold’s main vein having obliterated everything in its path.
And then, just to prove that he really is the boss, Arnold smashes a plant pot on his spitting cobra. This is what I want to see happen the next time some douchebag uploads a video to Facebook, thinking he’s a hardman just because someone fired a champagne cork at his ballsack. C’mon bro. We’re in the ceramics game now.
And finally, to really ram the point home, Arnold uses his cock to remove the girl’s clothes for literally one-whole-second before she appears fully clothed again. Having wrecked one apartment, they vow to change the world, using Arnold’s penis to help get everyone turnt up. In order to do this, they go down a level, busting into the apartment below.
In order to do this the girl jumps on Arnold's face, helping them bust into the apartment below.
Here, more dry-humping occurs.
Including this position, which, really, makes me want to have a long lie down.
At first, the members of the family in the apartment below are disturbed, as would you be, if a couple fell from the sky and started reenacting the Karma Sutra while you’re trying to enjoy dinner. But pretty soon Arnold and his penis has them all dancing.
In some infinite version of the “Harlem Shake”, they fuck up another house before...
… falling through the ceiling into the next apartment!
In this apartment, everyone is turnt up and prepared. Sure, it doesn’t matter that they’re strangers. So what if they fell from the ceiling? They’re going to grab some tits and they’re going to have a fucking good time, so shut-up.
The policeman, who has assumedly received a face-transplant in record time, rocks up and starts motorboating. Everyone gets turnt up for approximately thirty more seconds before passing out.
All that’s left is Arnold and his superdick. Still throbbing. Still bouncing. Still feeling the music. It is confirmed. Arnold’s cock has superpowers.
Ryan Bassil is still confused. He's on Twitter — @RyanBassil