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Ten Things I Learned from Watching The Weeknd at Radio City Music Hall

Only attend Weeknd shows if you're on birth control. Just sayin'

by Georgie Okell
Oct 9 2013, 5:14pm

1. Ridiculous hair is sexy. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Girls will go totally wild for hair that looks like this. They want it. They will probably burst into tears over said hair if the girl standing (and crying) next to me was anything to go by.

the weeknd radio city music hallthe weeknd cartoon cats radio city music hall

2. Fans of the Weeknd like to have hair like The Weeknd. Which makes it hard for the rest of us to see, but that’s okay, we can feel the music anyway. In our loins.

3. Japanese cartoon cats are sexy. They must be sexy because everything The Weeknd does is sexy and there were Japanese cartoon cats everywhere. There were even several Japanese cat ad intermissions where everyone cheered profusely, and I imagine, got turned on by.

4. For all his sexual braggadocio, the maximum number of orgasms you will have during a night with The Weeknd is four. He states this quite clearly during the show. But that’s okay, he's tired. He's exhausted from all the singing and hip-thrusting and boning and touring, so four will have to do. Take it or leave it.

5. Turns out the Weeknd, for all his talk of oral sex, does not know how to give head, as evidenced by his serpent tongue flicking, directed down the barrel of the lens and into the soul of every audience member. Said oral stimulation technique is only ever used in terrible pornos and should never be referenced IRL. (This video is an example of what I’m talking about. It is not NSFW, don't worry, but it is too icky to embed.)

the weeknd radio city music hall

6. Regarding previous lens-barrel tongue flicking: We all want to get close to our idols, but it turns out there is such thing as too much of a good thing. Dear Mr. Weeknd, I love you, but I never, ever want to see your face this close on multiple screens ever again. Your image is now seared into my eyelids. Thanks.

The weeknd radio city music hall porn

7. An interesting social experiment is this: Fill a room with all different types of groups—colleagues, parents and their offspring, couples, innocent young fans—and then play a five minute lesbian porno that takes up the entire stage and just watch people try and deal with THAT unexpected situation. This is entertaining.

the weeknd radio city music hall color blocking

(And btw, those girls’ nails are far too long for them to be having any actual fun. You’re welcome The Weeknd, I guess we’re all learning something today).

8. Wearing pale grey skintight jeans which—due to color blocking panels makes it look like you've layered on a pair of black short-shorts and knee-high leg warmers—is distracting. It harder for us to concentrate on your hip thrusts.

the weeknd merch

9. Only attend Weeknd shows if you're on birth control. Even if you are not touching distance from a penis, you will probably get pregs at one of his shows. That's how heavy the air was with pheremones, weed, and probably sperm. Even if you don't get pregnant at a Weekend show you will probably become fertilized post-show because his music will make you crazed and horny. Just sayin'.


Hai! Thanks instagram!

10. Sex sells. Literally. After an hour and a half of the raunchy onslaught that was The Weeknd live at Radio City Music Hall, I walked among throngs of sweat-and-pheromone-soaked Weeknd merch, the extent of which I have never seen before. If the man would only go ahead and release a Sex Panther-esque fragrance, I guarantee it would outsell J-Lo and the Beckham’s collective efforts a thousand fold.

Georgie (and Kim) survived The Weeknd. They have not yet purchased pregnancy tests, but plan to do so later today. Georgie is on Twitter - @GeorgieOkell.

Tagged:
Music
Noisey
The Weeknd
Noisey Blog
Radio City Music Hall
Silly Hair And Sexy Times
Abel Tesfaye
Thank God For Birth Control
Ten Things I Learned