Photo of author courtesy of Twitter
Bootymath is a modern renaissance man. There aren't many people who are more immersed within the internet, and when he's not dropping wisdom on his Twitter or making artful illustrations, he's watching terrible music videos on YouTube. But unfortunately, he's American and has therefore missed out on growing up around terrible Canadian music videos. So to help him catch up, we've decided to send him small batches from the treasure trove of Canada's worst videos for a new column we're calling Under the Fridge with Bootymath, dedicated to exploring the mouldy remains of Canadian culture.
Choclair - "Rubbin"
"Rubbin" is about a dude from Zion (Choclair) who hacks into the Matrix on the weekends to have leathery drunk sex. His Muslim friend, Saukrates, logs in to hotel mirrors so he can harass girls from a remote location. I wish I could smell this video. Whenever it starts to get dull the director throws lower backs in your face like sand. The girl at 2:56 needs a ride home. She look like she set it off and it came back on. Her hair said “don’t taze me bro.” Rare bootymath cameo at 3:54
Jellestone - "Money Can't Buy Me Happiness"
I officially dub this “Speed Stick rap.” This gentleman looks like Michael Vick in Madden 2K4. The hook sounds like he has nickels in his mouth. His eyebrows look like Nike checks. Fan me please I’m sweating. What magical ghetto is this? I wanna go. Everybody looks like a Bratz doll. That lay up at 1:27 was the limpest shit I’ve ever seen. I wanna meet the guy who had to cue the crip-walking toddlers. Jelleestone got on a bikini bottom blue du rag. If you look closely, his wife beater is drafting divorce papers. The baby at 1:43 has an untouched ice cream cone. That never happens. Babies always drop ice cream because their thumbs are shitty. This video reminded me to scare my cat.
Kardinal Offishal - "Ol Time Killin'"
This has everything. Darkskinned women, confusing features, and Kardinal’s notoriously big ass teeth and pants. Did he just like… Google “patois”? Nigga look like Arsenio Hall and J-Kwon had a baby. This is a great video to clip your child’s toenails to. Two giraffe hooves down. Kardinal’s dance moves are in foster care. Skip to 1:43 and check out Barely J. Blige. If you’re bored, dab every time you see a Jamaican flag.
Avril Lavigne - "Sk8r Boi"
A hip-hop classic. The occupy movement stole their whole swag from this. Avril’s socially disruptive band does a slew of cool things while she sops up the remains like an arrogant piece of bread. Pause at 2:47 and pretend to clean her boyfriend’s lip ring. I can’t help but lose it when she tries to break the windshield with a guitar. Bitch got paper mache arms. Wheat thin muscle head ass.
b4-4 - "Get Down"
A kid puts acid in his eyeballs and is transported to a terrible world where Rocket Power characters sing about cum. This video is a smashed up bag of turkey throats, in a good way. B4-4 looks like they backyard wrestle but in the house with no clothes on. I feel okay watching this while people die. I’m pretty sure ISIS released a shot for shot remake. The video gets saved when the young black hero dunks on b4-4, rendering their sperm useless, and then manifests a sports car for no goddamn reason. The “yeah yeah yeah” at 1:07 is the sound of finding out you’re adopted.
Bootymath is everywhere. Follow him on Twitter.