Illustration by Kat Aileen
Drake: Badman ting dem
40: Dude, you have to stop
Drake: Hating such wasteman ting innit
Drake: lol I'm sorry man, I'm so excited. I got Canada. I got the US. Now I'm about to get Britain and probably West Africa. It's very lit for me right now. BADMAN TING INNIT.
*The Weeknd lazily thumbs through a Vanity Fair magazine, searching for the next waif to put in a future video. A music video in the future, not the lean man.*
The Weeknd: With every victory comes enemies, though
Drake: What enemies, Abel?
*Drake walks over and gingerly removes the Vanity Fair magazine from his hands*
Drake: I can't see my enemies from the 6. They can't touch me.
Weeknd: This is a different continent, though. One of those BBK guys could be your next Meek Mill.
Drake: lmao and you saw what happened to him. Besides, Skepta is like my brother an—
Weeknd: Skepta barely knows us, fam. He's probably playing the game as well.
Drake: But who's better at the game than I am, Abel?
Weeknd: You thought you had Kendrick.
Drake: Kendrick slipped through my fingers. Black Hippy is stronger than I expected.
Weeknd: He'll come for you soon
Drake: And I'll be hitting no. 1 in South Korea doing fucking songs with Taeyang. Rap music. Is. Mine.
Drake: Besides, I have more pressing issues, like why Beyoncé keeps killing my envoys...
*PND walks into the studio*
Drake: wahgwan badman ting top bwoy
*PND walks back out*
Drake: This guy
40: So listen to this joint me and Metro did for you
The beat: If Young Metro don't trust you, I'm gon sh—
*Drake proceeds to feel out a trap beat that old white women would run bathwater to*
Drake: Baby, don't answer your phone when I'm around
Drake: Baby don't answer that phone, no no nooooo
Drake: Is that another nigga on the phone?
Drake: Then girl hang up the phone ohhhhhhhh
Drake: give me feelings so intense
Drake: Purple OVO pants, feeling like I'm Prince, yeah
Drake: When your real life is like a dream
Drake: a nigga tried to shoot me yesterday so sorry if I'm mean, yeah
Drake: 40 you're a genius. You and Metro are both geniuses.
40: Thank you. So this is gonna be "Don't Answer Your Phone"?
Drake: Nah... call it "Son of Prince"
Weeknd: But I was gonna name my mixtape that.
Drake: Now you're not.
Drake: Turn the beat back on
Drake: mmmmI'm the son of Prince
Drake: I won't fuck up my hair, yeah
Drake: I got the same suit my dad always wear
Drake: So girl give me some pussyyyyyy yeeeeaah
Drake: Onlyyyyy if you want to, thoooo
*Drake’s phone rings*
Drake: Aubrey Graham, October's Very Own
Birdman: What it do pleighboi. coo
Drake: What's up, Bryan? I see you started a new clothing line. Talk about making lemonade out of lemons, huh hahaha
Birdman: Ain't no le—
Drake: Nothing, you were saying?
Birdman: Ain't no lemons, pleighboi, just money yerd may
Birdman: They think they can go viral wit me, I go viral wit dem, feel me
Birdman: You can't play a real playa the big Bs come thru, the Big Bs get respek yerd may
Drake: For sure
Birdman: I need you to kill Charlamagne
Drake: Exa— abeg? Are you mad, badman?
Birdman: Yes, I'm mad, nigga, that's why I'm asking you to kill him
Drake: You owe Wayne money. I don't see where you have the leverage
Birdman: I'm squashing your collab with Thugger
Drake: Oh wow
Birdman: That, and ya ain't welcome in Louisiana and ya ain't welcome in Miami, wherever my fam—
Drake: I'll see what Rick Ross says about tha—
Birdman: *hangs up*
Drake: Okaaaay. Rude much?
Drake: Turn that beat back on
Drake: I'm sorry, I have to make a phone call. Something’s bothering me.
*Drake bites his nail as he waits for the phone to pick up*
Young Thug: Drake, my good man, how are you today.
Drake: I'm fine, I just talked to Birdman, actually.
Young Thug: Yes, he's quite perturbed over the interview.
Drake: He asked me to
Drake: *whispers* he asked me to kill Charlamagne
Young Thug: For true?
Drake: I put it on the 6, where my soul was created and my ashes shall fly
Young Thug: Well, that's no issue.
Drake: Yeah, I'm not gonna kill a radio host. Especially not one whom assisted in my most dominating victory to date.
Young Thug: Ima do it.
Drake: What? Why!?
Young Thug: Because Birdman took me under his wing, pun not intended lol. And as a fellow Blood, his honor must be defended.
Drake: Understandable, but surely there's another way. If we get a good meme going
Young Thug: No. I'm going to shoot him in his mouth.
Drake: ...That's definitely attempted murder. My killers in Houston taught me that.
Young Thug: lol okay
Drake: Anyway, Baby mentioned that he would squash our collaboration.
Young Thug: Oh, no worries, my Canadian compadre. I shall speak to him on the matter.
Young Thug: Would you like to hear a freestyle I’ve kept for it
Drake: I could never imagine saying no
Young Thug: Okay
Young Thug: Ima pull up in a Porsche
Young Thug: Got on glasses like a dork
Young Thug: She gon suck me through my shorts
Young Thug: She gon fuck me on a horse
Young Thug: That's just the code, no Morse
Drake: damn it
Young Thug: High as fuck on a golf course
Young Thug: Shine like lightning, I'm a cord
Young Thug: I'm no Muslim eat the pork
Drake: As always, Jeffrey, you make the most beautiful rap music of our generation.
Drake: It still amazes me that Elton John appreciates you more than me.
Young Thug: I'm actually having dinner with him this evening. I'm to play him in his biopic.
Drake: Oh. Kay.
Young Thug: Yes, very avant garde. Netflix is the shit for doing this.
Drake: Well I'm glad I have spoken to you and cleared this whole issue up.
Young Thug: Certainly. I must speak with you at a later time. I'm taking my sisters to buy matching Lamborghinis. Again lol.
Drake: Good day
Young Thug: *hangs up*
Drake: That was close. Birdman always has a thing for botching my plans.
Drake: Absorbing Young Thug's essence is very difficult. It's very wild and... awkward.
Weeknd: Once you're done with all this Afrobeat nonsense, maybe you'll be more focused.
Drake: I'll have to see where it takes me first. I haven't met any women in London whose information I can put on a song.
Drake: And I'm still getting used to pronouncing Yoruba names properly
Weeknd: What about Makonnen? You're just going to let him leave? He was still doing good on the beach party circuit.
Drake: He can have the beach party circuit. I've transcended trapstep collaborations. Sometimes I look at you and feel fortunate.
Weeknd: And what are you implying?
Drake: You're almost like a test subject to see what I could've been. You should be proud.
Weeknd: If such delusions fill your ego, Aubrey
*PND walks back into the studio*
Drake: wahgwan bad boy bad boy whatchagonnado
PND: Man, if you don't stop, I'm going to kill myself
Weeknd: Like Kehl—
Weeknd: ...like Kehlani tried to do
Weeknd: what? did she die?
Weeknd: At least my women are good at it.
Drake: Boys, boys! Gentlemen! Guys! Bros! Come on! Views from the 6 is dropping soon and unexpected Beyoncé album aside, things are looking like smooth sailing
*the studio door buzzer sounds, announcing a potential guest*
Drake: More celebrators for celebrating, I presume
*40 walks over to the security camera and his eye widen*
Drake: Well, let them in. Who could possibly come that I wou—
40: Its Nicki
Drake:... Well. Fantastic.
40: What do I do?
Drake: Let her in.
PND: We don't even know why she's here
Drake: Clearly it's important
Weeknd: Clearly it's about Rahmeek
Drake: I'll be heading down. You guys, I don't know, bounce some ideas off of each other and then I'll come use them
*Drake walks down the marble steps of his main base studio, coming to the lobby. The door opens and Nicki Minaj walks through, her ass looking immaculate*
Drake: How awkward, we haven't spoken since
Nicki: Hm, I wonder why
Drake: I've kept my bitches on a leash, why can't you
*Nicki runs her fingers down Drake whole face, though*
Nicki: You have no right. I was there for Meek's career. I was going to make him the man he deserves to be and you threw it all away in some macho dick slinging contest.
Drake: This is rap, Onika! Hip Hop! Dog eat dog, kill or be killed!
Nicki: You could've squashed it. You usually don't even acknowledge rap beef.
*runs both of her hands down Drake’s shoulders*
Drake: Well, I'm not usually betrayed by people that freestyle over my songs the day after I release them
Drake: I loved Rahmeek like a brother and you know it. I donated to his school, I put him on my Club Paradise tour and HE threw it away, Onika. Remember that.
Nicki: He says he's going to drop his new mixtape the day you drop Views
Drake: hahaha who gives a shit!? Are you even going to listen to it?
Drake: That name is no longer for your tongue
Nicki: Be honest: this is about me isn't it
Drake: Haha what do you mean
Nicki: You know what I mean
*Nicki drapes her arms around Drake’s neck and begins to lean back and forth seductively*
*Drake rubs his face and looks down nervously at his lap*
Drake: You want my honesty? Yes, that is part of it.
Nicki: I've already told you that it couldn't be.
Drake: And so you date Meek Mill!
Nicki: He was there for me.
Drake: SO WAS I
Drake: DO YOU THINK I ENJOY WORKING THIS HARD TO COME HOME AND SEE THE WOMAN I NEED IN THE ARMS OF A FRIEND TURNED ENEMY. A FRENEMY.
Nicki: You weren't always enemies
Drake: And one of us wasn't always fucking you
*Nicki cruelly runs a finger down Drake’s arm*
*Drake gasps involuntarily*
Nicki: Look, I need you to apologize to Meek
Drake: When he apologizes to his fans and mine, I shall officially tell you “no.”
Nicki: You know, ever since you grew that beard, you've been a real dickhead.
Drake: This isn't even my final form.
Drake: Return home to your battle rapper. Hopefully you and an R&B singer can help him get on the Billboard charts again.
Nicki: Fuck you, Drake.
Drake: lol its too late now
*Nicki storms out of the studio like a fine ass monsoon.*
*Drake collapses to the ground and punches the specially made walls that are soft enough for Drake to punch and not hurt himself, but hard enough for him to not look like a bitch*
Drake: It’s... It’s not too late
Weeknd: Didn't go as expected, eh?
Drake: Now is not the time, Abel
Weeknd: She's the reason you refuse to crush him isn't it
Drake: He's already crushed. I received a Grammy nomination for embarrassing him.
Weeknd: Not a Grammy win, though
Drake: Who cares? I can't have Nicki. I have to be someone I'm not in order to please her
Weeknd: A better you, perhaps?
Weeknd: Hey, you should come hear this melody PND came up with
Drake: I'll be up soon. I'm going to call a friend
Weeknd: Fine. Don't, like, go chase her and embarrass yourself like you did after the Moment for Life video shoot
Drake: Who even told you about that
Weeknd: She did
*Weeknd heads back upstairs and Drake makes a call on the phone. He bites his nail as the phone rings*
Drake: It’s Drake
Drake: Ha duh lol
Drake: are you... lean drunk
Drake: lol I can't get over you guys calling it mud
Future: I can't get over you calling Toronto the 6
Drake: I got 99 problems plus the other one, dog
Drake: I was about to say
Future: About to say what
Drake: I saw Russell Wilson taking selfies with your son at the Batman vs Superman premiere. He had a stuffed panda.
Drake: I just thought you should kn—
Drake: Nicki came by
Future: You fuck
Drake: No, no, not at all
Future: That's ya problem
Drake: lol what
Drake: Fuck her fuck her?
Future: Nigga fuck her or fuck her
Drake: Sex can't always be the answer though
Drake: You don't ever think about that. If you truly loved your baby's mothers?
Future: I love the mothers of my children dearly and although I may disagree with Ciara, I love her deeply. You don't simply plant your seed in a woman and forget about her. When you create a human being, you'll always have a peace of each other's hearts.
Future: “Wow” shit. fuckawmuhphoan
*Future hangs up*
Drake: ...lol wow he opened up to me. Things are already looking up!
*Drake giddily runs upstairs*
Weeknd: so she's on the ground seizing and her mouth’s foaming and I just got super inspired
Weeknd: Shit, I zoned out and wrote the whole song right there
Drake: This was... I came in at the wrong time
40: No this is perfect. PND was just about to lay some shit down
*40 turns on a beat that sounds like Marvin Gaye singing underwater with 808s on it*
PND: You a bitch I'm a niggaaaaa
PND: aren't you coming wit ussss
PND: that nigga lame it's a shame
PND: that nigga is not me, I am that nigga
PND: rolling on a Sunday
PND: smoking on a Monday
PND: You my bitch, you my nigga
PND: I knew you'd leave Kyrie Irving someday
Drake: You were supposed to write this for Jamie Foxx and you put Kyrie's name in it?
PND: Well he can put whoever's name he wants. Didn't he take Tom Cruise bitch?
Drake: Touché, but such poor taste.
PND: That's what Ima name it, “Such Poor Taste.”
Drake: Ahem, what I named it.
Drake: I love working with you guys and bouncing ideas off of each other
Drake: You are my brothers under the owl, looking like a damn football team.
Drake: The Toronto Argonauts, if you will
Drake: With the release of Views, my fans will be done edging and we will enter a new era for the OVO family.
Drake: I've found my revenge, and now my only focus is doling it out
Drake: Cheers gentleman, to being heroes for our country and taking over the world.
*Drake wipes a single tear from his eye*
Drake: I'm just so proud of everything we accomplished
Drake: We are the new Grammy family
Weeknd: Here here!
PND: Yeah, that
40: Here here
*Drake goes over to the laptop and begins surfing the internet*
Drake: Let's see what they're saying on the Views hashtag
Drake: "This is beautiful, why won't this nigga love me back"
Drake: "Drake gets me so wet, I love it"
Drake: "Views the song is flames. I'm only listening to this album when I'm butt naked"
Drake: and a bunch of "Daddy"
Weeknd: It’s nice that your fans are enjoying it.
Drake: This makes me want to jerk off onto a picture of myself.
Weeknd: Been there
Drake: Wait what is this?
Drake: No no No No NO NO NO
*Drake flings the laptop into the wall*
40: Wayne Gretzky gave me that...
PND: Dude relax, what's the problem?
Drake: ...Kendrick just dropped another surprise project...
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