Kanye West knows fashion, or at least thinks he does. The rapper is a staple on annual best dressed lists, true, but his forays as a designer haven’t always been the most fulfilling experiences for consumers or critics of high-end design. His fall Adidas line left much to be desired and made many of his models, and his beloved Kim, look like apocalypse survivors trapped in raw sausage casings. And let’s not forget his S/S 2012 self-titled women’s capsule collection which required lifeguards on duty because models were drowning in the pieces. They looked not dissimilar to when I don’t want to put a shirt on in my cold apartment so I drape the sheets over my shoulders during my waddle from bed to bathroom.
Mr. West has cred though. He’s delivered a couple of successful capsule collaborations with French label A.P.C., even if the line only featured the basics: jeans, long tees, and simple knits. His shoes for Nike and Adidas were hot sellers of an admittedly limited release, and are sort of only wearable once a month, twice tops (which, let’s be real, is not particularly effective cost per wear when you’re shelling out 200 plus bucks for a pair of sneaks). Hell, he even took lumps as an intern at Fendi, which is awesome because it conjures mental images of Kanye dodging traffic like Frogger in an attempt to retrieve and deliver coffee.
"I want to bring high design to the people," he proclaimed to the LA Times circa last fashion week. "I'm on a Robin Hood mission." Here's the thing about Ye: Even with a few blatant air balls, he will never stop shooting. The boy can’t help it, or himself, when it comes to the creation and alteration of garments. And though he sometimes struggles to conceptualize what his design will actually add to worldwide wardrobes, there’s no doubt he’s an excellent manager of his own. (And Kim’s. Remember when she used to dress like this? Kanye’s face woulda registered a lot of this.)
Which leads me to tangentially wonder how Kanye’s methods of dressing himself would apply to the fictional world where cars never run out of gas, people have super powers, robots hunt humans, or humans become robots. Ah, the world of the blockbuster! How would Kanye handle the sartorial decisions that coexist with dressing someone in the middle of a wasteland? These are fictional questions I want fictionally answered. Perhaps Kanye would lose his mind when faced with the plethora of responsibilities. Perhaps he would nail it, similar to his future venture in hotel design. Below are some mock-ups illustrating how I think Kanye would go about conquering his hypothetical endeavor…
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s T-800 model always had an affinity for leather. Even in this summer’s Genesys, he’s repping the black cowhide at the age of 67, proving the appeal of biker leathers and zips aplenty never dwindles. Kanye appreciates timeless art, always has (note his use of vintage soul samples). Even though I doubt Mr. West has ever ventured into a biker bar for the purpose of stealing another man’s wear, the fashion historian does share the T-800’s leather adoration, hell, he even goes out of his way to tout he’s created new ways to wear the stuff. Crucially leather lasts. Buy an investment piece in hide and you’ll rock it for life. It’s durable, it’s flexible and it’s dope. It even makes Steph Curry look like a dude at the club you don't mess with. Look, we all know Arnie’s ass-kicking cyborg is never going to walk the runway in digs bestowed to him by “the greatest living rock star,” so these clothes are chosen to elicit the Terminator ideology: “I’m here to destroy stuff, people, the world and look as intimidating as freaking possible, and I’ll be back.”
There’s always been a subtle method to Dominic Toretto's madness, a calm cool attitude emphasized by a low grumble of a voice that often sends shivers down the spines of baddies threatening his family, which now, for some reason, includes Kurt Russell. The other non-conspicuous attribute for Dom is his wardrobe. His all-encompassing closet only holds three notable garments: black pants, white v-necks, black/white tank tops, plus his black boots. While Dom does allow for brief variances in style, he’s a man who favors staples. Though Kanye definitely has a flare for the dramatic, he’s also not one to ruin an obviously successful trend. For Dom, Kanye would simply alter and accessorize, allowing the car-crazed maniac to be fashionable while maintaining his prominent look and color scheme. Besides, after all the fruitful heists performed by the Fast and Furious characters, one would figure at some point Dom and Letty went to a mall, right? OK, maybe not, but if Kanye were in charge he’d grab a fur coat, some black sneakers, leather pants, and a hoodie. Especially the hoodie. Kanye rarely leaves the house without the hoodie.
Tony Stark is a dapper man who rocks graphic t-shirts or expensive suits in nearly all his Marvel Universe appearances. Before his kidnapping in Iron Man, he was a playboy who did all he desired. However, over the years Tony has grown from irresponsible douche to upstanding partner in a long-term relationship and responsible protector of the innocent. Kanye can understand how dressing in Italian suits is no longer a necessity for Iron Man, especially when Stark is routinely underneath layers of armor. It’s time for this Avenger to embrace his monogamous side with the simplicity of a casual gray hoodie, long shirt combination (length is in for boys dontcha know?) complete with sweat pants and optional sweat shorts. Yeezus adorns Stark with these clothes because he understands the rigors of genius, and concedes that Iron Man needs to feel at ease while he saves the day. The outfit also provides flexibility, fit for cuddling with Pepper on the couch or jumping in the Iron Man suit without the need of a wardrobe swap. Of course, the outfit isn’t complete without a pair of Air Yeezy 2s, because we all know Tony and Kanye share a passion for flashin.
“Mad” Max RockatanskYE
When your life has been narrowed down to survival, it’s probably a difficult task to focus a millisecond of your time on clothes. And that’s before swole body painted weirdos are trying to extract your blood because they’re, like, dying. Basically: Max isn’t tryna run through the desert in Chelsea boots and skinny jeans like Drake does with his woes through the streets of Toronto. It’s a pain in the ass to walk for long periods in those beauts (bad pun alert) and skinny jeans. Try to imagine the amount of chaffing taking place in the FREAKING DESERT APOCALYPSE! No, this man needs functionality, he needs warrior garb! Accessories? Pah! Only if that pocket square somehow morphs into a flamethrower with the flick of the wrist. Lucky for him, Kanye is a versatile dresser with a penchant for military style garb—from cargo jackets to functional outdoor boots. Has Kanye ever dueled in the desert while balancing on a moving Twisted Metal vehicle? No, but he has been spotted in combat outfits trying to evade the paparazzi in pre-apocalyptic Los Angeles, so, same difference. This costume is simple: give Max a jacket to protect him from the sand storms, boots to protect his feet, and a hoodie to protect his head, and he’ll totally survive the next apocalypse. we hope.
Owen GradYE (a.k.a. Chris Pratt, because let’s be honest, no one remembered this character’s name)
Owen Grady is a veteran who somehow obtained a job as a raptor whisperer. While I would argue he’s not food because these dinosaurs are also inherently aware he’s undeniably attractive and thus know it would be a terrible tragedy to ovaries everywhere to eat him, it’s more than likely he’s simply an awesome trainer who’s bonded with dinosaurs in a way that makes me and my cats seem emotionally shallow. Grady lives on a tropical island surrounded by giant creatures capable of running amok and outsmarting Einstein at a moment’s notice, so I’m guessing fashion isn’t topping the list of goals, which probably starts with: 1. Don’t get eaten. Even still, this dino expert makes impeccable wardrobe decisions in Jurassic World with a sharp henley and leather vest combo. Because of the tropical climate, Kanye would probably hook Grady up with a hoodie, jacket combo, complete with jeans and boots fit for any terrain. Kanye knows zilch about dinosaurs, but he enjoys tons of first person knowledge about protecting yourself from the elements after his days dealing with Chicago’s preponderance for excessive amounts of rain, wind, and snow. Grady needs more protection on this unstable island than a vest, because what does a vest actually do besides look brilliant? [Arguable. Have you seen Mumford and Sons – Noisey Style Ed.] Kanye’s outfit guarantees that Grady is the best dressed man on the island, but in reality it doesn’t matter. The dude is Chris Pratt.
Trent Johnson may or may not have a man crush on Chris Pratt. Follow him on Twitter.