The Five Worst People You'll Find at Any Indie Rock Concert

Looking to enjoy a low-key indie rock show? Good luck with that.

Jul 23 2014, 6:32pm

Due to its growing popularity in popular culture, the indie-rock demographic sees a lot of strange groupings of people coming together to enjoy their favourite acts. Whether it’s in some dingy downtown bar, the patio at a hip new café, or a sold out amphitheatre, people of all ages and backgrounds are turning their backs on larger music festivals and all the bros and douchebags that come with the territory. You know exactly who I’m talking about, and if you don’t, then you’re likely part of the problem.

But while a smaller, more hush musical event may seem like a viable outlet from the frustrating presence of such musical spuriousness, these events offer a completely different breed of walking stereotypes. Nobody wants their live music experience to be ruined by a bunch of attention seekers, so put on your stylishly large glasses and grab a pen and paper to take notes, because here are five types of posers you’re probably going to bump into at your next indie rock event.

1) The Trying-Way-Too-Hard Dad

This guy is easy to spot in the largest of crowds. Usually trying to hide his baldness with a soul patch and a fedora, the Trying-Way-Too-Hard Dad prides himself on keeping up with "youthful" "trends". He’s out at the club at least four times a week, and he’s got the divorce sttlement papers to prove it. His basement walls are lined with cool paraphernalia of bands that we’ve probably never heard of, like Steely Dan or The Modern Lovers. His steady diet of kale juice and flax seeds keeps him energized for the head-bopping, foot-stomping, and glass-raising that his usual night out consists of (and let’s not forget the importance of staying regular at his age). The Trying-Way-Too-Hard Dad often cuts his lawn with a manual mower and reads Adbusters Magazine to his kids before bed.

2) The Only-Here-For-The-Likes Girl

You’ll see a plethora of hot chicks at any concert, but these beauties’ dedication to their social media profiles separates them from the rest. This girl knows that all of her Facebook friends, Twitter followers, and Instagram stalkers depend on her to post pictures of her flower headband and 60s influenced halter-top online. How else would the world know how down-to-earth she is? By the end of the concert, this girl has probably spent more time choosing Instagram filters than watching the actual band, but she couldn’t care less; that video of her dancing cutely to “whatever band this is” had to be shared. If you can’t seem to spot these lovely ladies, wait till it gets dark and then follow the light of their cell phones, or try looking at the front of the merch line where she’s undoubtedly buying an oversized band-tee which will be the focus of her next #ShamelessSelfie.

3) The Middle-Aged Couple Who Finally Got A Babysitter

Usually travelling with other couples in their age group, the middle-aged husband and wife duo often start the night on a very conservative note. They arrived at the venue early so they could get a good parking spot, they’ve called to make sure the babysitter is fine, and they’ve already enjoyed a nice glass of wine with dinner at that great little bistro that Dave from work always talks about. But as the night grows older, and the band delves deeper into their musical repertoire, the middle-aged couple starts acting out. The collar on the husbands’ perfectly ironed polo shirt becomes more uneven with every sip of beer. The wife’s responsible mannerisms go out the window as she gulps back another glass of wine and subtly grinds her summery white capris on her husband’s khakis. By the encore, the wife is ready to start her new life as a rock and roll groupie, while the husband very timidly inquires where he might be able to score some weed.

4) The Conforming Anti-Conformist

Bowler hat? Check. Paisley patterned polyester shirt? Check. Moccasins? Check. Follow the scent of black coffee and complete arrogance to find this ironically dressed fan in any rock audience. A distant relative to the emo kid of yesteryear, this concert goer has spent more time choosing his outfit than actually listening to the headlining band. Dressing weather-appropriate is too “mainstream” for this Kerouac fan-boy; in the blazing hot climate of a summer festival, the hipster kid can be seen wearing winter attire such as denim jackets, flannel shirts, and beanies. He’d rather die of heat stroke than conform to the normalcy of a t-shirt and shorts. Unlike anyone else at the show, the hipster kid only came to see the opening act because they’re music is “real”.

5) The Rockstar Who Never Made It

Looking like he came straight out of a scene from Wayne’s World, the washed-up rocker’s basement is still filled with old demos of his 80s rock band that never made it, but should have. What’s left of his once long, flowing hair dances along the back of his withered Motley Crue t-shirt which is so tastefully tucked in to his acid wash jeans. He left his landscaping job early so he could get home in time for an episode of Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels before heading out to the concert with his band mates in his 1984 Chevy Cavalier; a car ride accompanied by the sweet sounds of Van Halen coming out of the tape deck and the lingering smell of old cigarettes. At the concert, look for this time-warped rock veteran standing cross-armed beside the stage taking mental notes of the lead singer’s on-stage charisma; moves that will surely be recreated at the following night’s gig (his sister’s wedding).

Adam Lalama is a writer living in London, Ontario. He's on Twitter.