The Five Types of Dudes Who Still Listen to Rap-Rock

Rap-Rock is so jam packed with bad vibes and awfulness, but it carries with it nostalgia. There was a time in the mid to late nineties and early thousands that rap-rock was really happening in the mainstream American consciousness. And people loved it. What follows is an account of the personalities who've loved rap rock that I've had the pleasure of encountering in my journey as an American youth.

THE ALT-HICK

I grew up in a small town in Upstate, New York where the bus ride home was often delayed by cows crossing the street. A place where Oxycontin was very popular along with muddin', drinking in fields, and joining the Future Farmers of America—which, if you are unaware, is a thing that exists in the more farmer-y parts of this great nation. Rap-rock provided the perfect mix of lyricism and aggression for these folks. Rolling in a dually, carting a load of mulch and listening to rap rock

THE MISANTHROPE

Whoo boy. This person definitely doesn’t fit in! That’s why they go to the mall and buy stuff from the weird people store. Usually this type has a weird home life, is secretly gay, is too fat, or too skinny or generally “hates people.” They can't sleep, because clowns will eat them.

THE WEIRD, STUNTED CALI BRO

Having spent some time in Southern California I’ve grown accustomed to this bro. He is white but friends with mostly Mexican thugs, has tattoos all over his face (eyelids included), and will still be wearing Dickies, tall socks, and Vans slip-ons when he dies at 50. He skates, drinks and has illegitimate children that make him sad but he covers that up with the aforementioned drinking, hating his exes like they’re Satan, and keeps busy surfing and living in his van on Hermosa Beach.

THE WHITE DUDE WHO GREW UP IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD AND DOESN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

These guys grew up in the Lower East Side back when it was a warzone and don’t you forget it! They’re into family, friends, friendship, family, blood ties, family, fucking people up, hurting people who don’t respect their family bonds, and they’re really into keeping their word. They stand for family, friendship, tattoos, overcoming hardship, caring for other people that grew up white mostly poor black neighborhoods, and not giving a fuck.

THE EERILY QUIET HUGE GUY

This guy is someone you maybe had a class with at junior college. He always kind of shuffled into the back and kept is eyes averted. He was much older than the other students, only wore black, had sausage fingers, a grown out chin-strap, light neck beard and absolutely never spoke. He was also huge. Definitely drank protein and whey or whatever and had these bulging arms that were super terrifying and alluring at the same time. You got the feeling like this guy would totally snap at some point and pull someone's face off,

chimp-style

.

Lindsey Leonard made a Twitter because her editor asked her to. Follow her - @landseylinnerd

Like random slander on the internet? We've got a shitload of that, trust us. We've also talked shit about your music fandom, your horrible scene tattoo, and the ungodly tacky ways in which you use Twitter.