If I Had Coronavirus I Would Simply Live, Laugh, and/or Love It Away

Bonjour Bloggerinas, it's me, Melissa. I’m just such a mess lately, what with all the coronavirus nonsense I’m seeing on Fox News. At least I can rest easy at the edge of my infinity pool with the knowledge that the president is handling this mess. I mean, when has he ever steered us wrong before? I am a woman of anti-vaxxing experience, and I demand the right to cure my family’s deadly illnesses with Peloton classes and vibes, as I see fit.

You see, I know what’s best for my family—even my little Eighva, who just told me that “Barnard is fucking stupid” and that I’m, quote, “a fucking bitch” for wanting to cut her birthday trip to Aruba one week short this summer so that we could tour colleges in the Northeast. At least we are still going! Her parents’ friends are canceling all their future travel, because they don’t know, like I do, that as our President says, coronavirus is absolutely nothing to be worried about.

When Trump appointed Vice President Mike Pence to oversee the federal government’s coronavirus response, I thought: Who better to decide how the U.S. handles one of the greatest global pandemic threats of the modern era than a politician with such a spotless record on managing public health crises as Michael? And when I heard that the government had decided to bar all foreign nationals who’d recently visited China from entering the country in an effort to prevent the spread of COVID-19, I felt more alive than I did watching that episode of The Goop Lab where that lady had an org*sm, pardon my French. Using global pandemics as an excuse to block people from entering the United States has always been a good move and definitely never a mistake, so me? I thought this was great, as well.

The relief that washed over me when I heard the President say this week that coronavirus will “maybe go away” on its own… Not since I heard that the Horse & Harbor Country Day parent-teacher night would have a bottomless bellini bar in the cafeteria have I felt such blind trust everything would be OK! My one fear in all this was that the government would make us all vaccinate our kids against the virus, as vaccines definitely don’t prevent the spread of unnecessary, dangerous diseases like putting potatoes in our socks and doubling our dose of morning açai extract does!

As for my little Eighva, I know she’s only nine, but Stephanie—the junior college consultant that my spiritualist, Sarah Jean, recommended—told me it’s never too early to start looking at colleges! Maybe I should just let her go by herself? That’s what Danielle—the energist that my junior college consultant, Stephanie, recommended—told me to do. It’s settled then. I’ll make sure to pack some crystals and bless my Eighva’s carry-on with extra good vibes just to keep her coronavirus-free in her travels.

Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.

Follow Harron Walker on Twitter .