These Stupid Internet Beauty Products Might Help You Get Laid

I'm not sure about you, but I’m the kind of woman who has been socially conditioned to need all men to find me attractive, all of the time, as though without their lust I'd dwindle away to nothing but a pube with tiny, unloved breasts. But this dating game is tough. You’d think a slutty backless dress and a nose full of Dutch courage would be enough to get me laid, but in the age of porn and Tinder, sometimes it feels like I’m just not sexy or easy enough :(

Thankfully, there are some hard-working people out there who’ve designed a bunch of products to make women irresistible to men. Things like labia dye, stupid disappearing plastic bras, and—wait for it—mouth-stretching devices are all a part of our world now, and even better, they're all available at the click of a mouse.

Here are some of the dumbest beauty products, and things in general, that I've been able to find on the internet. At the end there is a poll, which you can use to destroy my life by forcing me to trial one of these products myself for a whole week.

ESSENCE OF A WOMAN PHEROMONE PERFUME

Photo by the author

Chances are you've read all about pheromones: odorless chemicals that supposedly do wonders for your pulling potential. BUT did you know that you can also buy them? For real? On the internet? THANKS, TECHNOLOGY!

I went for the sensually titled Essence of a Woman. Aside from kind of sounding like that movie, Scent of a Woman, in which Al Pacino is blind and goes around nose-fucking chicks, Essence of a Woman is a copulin (sex pheromone) fragrance designed to make you smell like an ovulating vagina.

By some cruel twist of irony, the only downside to the pheromones was their actual scent. They smelt disgusting and kind of like baby puke. They smelt so bad that one of my friends had to leave the room, retching. I shit you not—they were so horrendously awful that they immediately began to repel people rather than attract them. Finally, after about ten minutes, the piss and the puke and the ovulating vagina and the broken dreams dried down to a mild parmesan musk.

So if "mild parmesan musk" is something that you wanna smell like, and if you're willing to pay $100 to smell like it, I guess this is the fragrance of your dreams.

THE BYE BRA

Photo by the author

I’m all for sticking things onto myself in the name of unrealistic beauty standards but I didn’t have high hopes for what was essentially double-sided sticky tape attempting to hold my boobs up. Also, nipple covers? I’ve been known to accessorize with a nipple. Sometimes you just can’t beat a couple of cold ones when it comes to screaming “I might have sex with you in a cupboard!” or, “I’m probably French!"

The deceptive photoshopped images of the before and after photos on the box didn’t get Bye Bra off to a great start, and by the time I’d awkwardly stuck it on, it definitely wasn’t on my good side. To hand it to the inventors, the adhesive tape did instantly give me a boob lift and it did stay on for a good while, but what Bye Bra giveth in zer -gravity, it taketh away in the aesthetic stakes. Simply put: It didn't really disappear. I don’t actually think I’ve seen a pair of boobs look so much like two pieces of miscellaneous meat in plastic wrap before.

I guess the whole point is to wear the Bye Bra with higher-necked, backless styles, but I feel like we all threw our body suits out three years ago, right? I mean… maybe someone, somewhere would be totally excited to move their nipples a few centimeters higher, but getting women to stick their skin together in the name of "self-esteem" is just all parts shady and wrong. I don't want to sound overly critical, but I’m pretty sure these would have got burnt alongside all the other bras back in 1968 and everyone would have choked on the fumes and died.

VAGINA-COLORED LIPSTICK

Photo by the author According to evolutionary theorists, and women's magazine urban legends, the most flattering lip color for a lady is one that matches her, uh, other set of lips. Going commando and straddling the stands at MAC didn’t quite seem like a viable option, so instead I pioneered a totally legit Dulux-style color-matching technique that involves computers and doesn’t involve complete public humiliation. I simply compared my vagina color with a paint chart I picked up at Wickes, then held up my paint chart to an internet inventory of lipsticks, before deciding on MAC’s aptly named Modesty—a "muted, neutral pink." It didn’t exactly sound inspirational: the boring Switzerland of vaginas. But to give those vagina-lipstick theorists some credit, the color turned out to be incredibly flattering, and I smeared my Modesty all over my face. I was a vagina siren blazing into the night.

P.S. I’m super sorry if you thought there was going to be a picture of my vagina, but you get to see the exact shade, and isn't that more exciting, somehow?

MY NEW PINK BUTTON LABIA DYE

Photo via My New Pink Button

How many times has someone been about to go down on you and then exclaimed, suddenly, "Uggh, this vagina is way too pale! I've changed my mind"? Probably about as many times as you've thought, I know—I'm going to change the hue of my vagina with some labia dye before it turns the color of a four-week-old corpse. Do vaginas really lose their youthful glow? How? Do they fade in the sun? If so, maybe stop getting your vagina out in the sun.

Thankfully, there is some sanity in the world, and a lot of the people that took time out of their busy lives to review the product have sarcastically ripped it apart. "Ideal Mother's Day gift" and "Doesn't your man deserve perfection?" are personal favorites. Oh, and then there's the guy who claims to have enthusiastically tested it out on his dick, which he refers to as his "potato." Sure.

F-CUP COOKIES

Photo via the Daily Mail

I already know a cookie that makes your boobs bigger… it’s called a regular cookie. Seriously, Japan? Sixteen science Nobel Prizes and this is the best you can come up with? Get your shit together.

The cookies claim to boost your cup size by acting as an herbal estrogen supplement, but honestly, what part of this sounds good: syncing up a dessert with your menstrual cycle? No. Increased vaginal secretions? No. Feeling less stressed? Maybe. A soy milk flavored snack? Gag.

BETTY FUN PUBIC-HAIR DYE IN HOT PINK

Photo via Betty Beauty

Is your vagina fun? OK, maybe I worded that wrong. YOUR VAGINA ISN’T FUN ENOUGH. That’s what Betty thinks, anyway, or why would they invent this? Maybe they thought it would be cute, like having a tiny Nikki Minaj asleep betwixt your thighs. Maybe they hate you. All I'm saying is, if sea punk was a bad look on your head, it's an even worse look in your panties.

FACE-SLIMMING MOUTH-STRETCHER

Photo via Amazon

If pink pubes weren't enough to make you look completely insane, then this thing exists: a device that trains your muscles to make you look wider in the mouth and slimmer in the face. Although, if the Amazon comments are anything to go by, it's actually a subterfuge sex toy: less about slimming your face and more about teaching you the "no teeth" rule the hard way. Or just making you look like a human blow-up doll.

I can’t help feeling that this is one smug man’s backhanded revenge on women for all those pro-teeth sex tips in women's mags. We softly nibble your penis, and you make us look like idiots. Touché, douchebag.

Time to vote:

Which one of these moronic products shall I use for an entire week?

Follow Rosy Cherrington on Twitter.