This article originally appeared on VICE Germany.I adore Gwyneth Paltrow. But much like my love of blue cheese and the Macarena, it's a devotion my friends don't necessarily understand. "Gwyneth Paltrow—isn't that the one who tells people to sustain themselves on algae and sprouts and to clean their vaginas with steam?" they often ask.Sure, Gwyneth Paltrow is one of these celebrities with a bag full of life-improving advice. In general, I hate people who try to tell me that my lifestyle isn't good enough. I, more or less, eat vegetarian—plus I did two sit-ups last week. I'm living my life the best I can. To me, keeping up with the newest trends in healthy eating is just as stressful and superficial as following the "crazy antics" of the Kardashians.
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This time last year, agave syrup seemed to be the it-thing for my health-conscious friends; last month, I baked a cake with it and was treated as if I was trying to slip them some crack. Apparently agave syrup is no longer healthy—it causes cancer. Why does food always have to be either super healthy or give you cancer?It seems as if the only person I can truly trust when it comes to life-optimization is Gwyneth. A few days ago, I came across her cookbook It's All Good. In it, she presents healthy recipes that are, well, all good, I assume. The blurb on the back promised that this book would help me look better. Bought!Reading the foreword, I realized that me and GP are two totally different people. Living like me means drinking barrels of wine and taking the phrase "all you can eat" far too literally. If you want to live like Gwyneth, you have to say goodbye to the following things: coffee, alcohol, milk, eggs, sugar, shellfish, deep sea fish, potatoes, tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, corn, gluten, meat, and soy, a.k.a. everything that makes life worth living.Shocked at this puritanism, my jaw dropped, and I'm pretty sure I spat out a few peppers and an entire deep sea fish. Would I be able to, at least for a few days, lead a "proper" life and eat like the queen of pretentious lifestyle optimization? I had to try it out and see.
DAY 1
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Throughout the day I snacked on almonds that I'd soaked in water for six hours. Gwyneth says they're the "ideal snack." Obviously she's never tried chili cheese fries. She also forgot to mention that this snack doesn't taste like anything. But, whatever, I was going to a dinner party that night.Fun fact: Gwyneth loves dinner parties but only when they're in Europe, because she feels the conversation is more refined here. One time, she was at a dinner party in America, and the person eating next to her asked her where she bought her jeans. JEANS! Ghastly.I decided to be a good guest and bring Gwyneth's most mindful dessert: a gluten-free berry crumble with quinoa flakes. The crumble was a downright hit at the party. My friend Sarah, who's an amazing chef, complimented me for bringing such a tasty pudding. All the compliments were getting to my head. I wondered if Sarah had ever soaked almonds in water. Overall, the dinner party was a huge success, and nobody tried to steer the conversation toward denim.
DAY 2
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The soup tasted amazing even without bonito flakes. While eating I decided to watch YouTube interviews with Gwyneth. I felt so connected to my mentor that I noticed myself talking to the screen: "Gwyneth, I wasn't able to find bonito flakes, unfortunately…" I whispered, embarrassed. I could sense she forgave me. "I still can't believe you ate this soup twice in one day!" I giggled before realizing I might have far more serious issues than I'd thought.Later that night I met up with some friends at a bar."Did you know that Gwyneth only smokes one cigarette a day?" I asked them.I didn't even wait for an answer. It's just one of many Paltrow truth bombs that I dropped that night. I could tell that my mates were silently weighing the pros and cons of being friends with me. "She also doesn't stick to her diet all the time, so my exception is totally fine!" I said way too loud as I sipped on my beer.After our third round (ooops), one of my friends suggested we do yoga together this week. This was obviously a thinly veiled attempt to shut me up. I ecstatically agreed, of course. Let's do yoga together and not talk about jeans. Gwyneth would love this shit.
DAY 3
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I decided to work out to a fitness DVD called Metamorphosis. It was made by Tracy Anderson—Gwyneth's trainer and the mastermind behind "Tracy Anderson Method." I decided to try the "Cardio Workout" where Tracy says absolutely nothing, only hectically dances to porn music for 30 minutes. After a half-hour, I wasn't just sweaty, I was about to drop. I laid myself down on the floor and reminisced about the days when I could ingest all the gluten I wanted.
DAY 4
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I definitely liked yoga more than Tracy Anderson's dance spectacle, but my favorite position is still shavasana, where you have to lay on the floor with your legs spread as if you'd eaten a bad curry.