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​Here Are All the Reasons Students Have Against Voting in the Federal Election

And why they're mostly bullshit.

by Sierra Bein
Oct 19 2015, 2:28pm

As if anyone cares about studying this hard. Photo via Flickr user Francisco Osorio

Finding a student who cares about students politics is hard. Finding a student who cares about real politics is near impossible. At my university this year, they've been rewarding anyone who votes with a slice of pie, which isn't as good as booze by the barrel but is tasty enough. Beyond that, however, most students have forgotten that they're going to have responsibilities in the future, such as paying back student loans and preventing the environment from dying and all that shit.

Whoever gets voted in today is going to be around for next few years, which means if you are in university now, this election is going to decide how much money you pay in taxes (and more importantly, where that money goes) when you actually find a job. But we young people have a pretty bad (and deservedly so) reputation for not giving a shit about voting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have your reasons for not voting, but I'm here to tell you why they are all lazy bullshit.

I don't want my name in a system

This is probably your friend who uses 4Chan as a news source, or really likes to watch those old YouTube videos about 9/11 conspiracy theories. You know, the nifty, "fuck the man," type of guy. But, the main question is: Why are you trying so hard to keep your name out of the system? What have you done (or plan to do) that is so badass that you can't register your name to vote? Maybe your friend thinks they can slay the drug selling biz for the rest of their life, or just doesn't want to be "watched." Either way, they've probably been trying to delete themselves from the internet since they were 14, and not super interested in heading into a polling booth. What you could do is remind them about bill C-51 and how a number of government agencies are probably spying on them at this very second and get them fired up enough that they'll stomp on over to the nearest polling station.

Harper is going to get in no matter what

Even people who aren't necessarily pessimistic might feel this way. But not voting because you think your vote won't do anything just makes you sound like a whiney bitch. If everyone had that mentality, Harper could stay in power forever, and you'd forever be paying for his goddamn haircut. He's already the sixth-longest-serving prime minister but history suggests most prime ministers are tossed after about 10 years. According to polls, there's a good chance your vote for "somebody else" will actually matter this time around.

You are going to want to watch VICE's Election Circus 2015 tonight.

I don't know how to register or where to vote

These people most likely can't do a thing for themselves because they live with their parents, which is a struggle in itself. Not knowing how to do the laundry might not seem like a huge deal, or how to do run the dishwasher (which you do know how to do, liar), but not knowing how to have a say in your government is going a little too far. It takes like two seconds, jerk. Let me explain it to you, in terms that you might understand.

1.You register your name and address online on the fucking computer.
2.Go find your closest fucking polling stations (and register there if 1 didn't work)
3.Go to said polling station with at least two pieces of ID (your student card counts as one)
4. Worst case: find someone who is responsible enough to do all of the above and have them vouch for you.

Is it all really that hard? Now that I've explained it, you'll have to find another excuse.

I'm drunk

Same. Us young people love alcohol. This is maybe your frat friend, or buddy who isn't ashamed to show up to first call at the campus pub (stop the stigma, people). But they don't test your blood alcohol level when you go to the polls, so you should still go and vote. (It's also a Monday, so you might have a problem.) It seemingly doesn't matter what's going on in your mind when you go, the main thing is that you write something that makes sense on the card. However, maybe don't vote on acid or any other hallucinogens—no need to piss of the next person by taking your time to look at the pretty patterns inside the booth. Also, voting lines can be excruciatingly long, so I don't necessarily blame you for wanting to get a little wavy while waiting. And having cast a ballot is a perfectly good excuse for a few more celebratory drinks. Cheers.

None of the leaders really appeal to me

Whether it's because they're all white, there are no women (besidesthe lovely Liz May), or no one who is fighting for your issues—I promise that there's always a reason to hate one more than the others. But more importantly, you DON'T VOTE FOR THE LEADER. You vote for your local candidate and there's a good chance there's someone in your riding that is not a total wank. Vote for that person.

I don't understand politics

How are there people who can learn to play games like Magic: The Gathering or keep up to date with the power struggles in Westeros, but can't understand their country's political system? The sad part is that most people won't vote based on their knowledge of the parties or of politics—a lot of people end up voting for the person they prefer. So with that in mind, what do policies even matter? You're concerned with charisma—the best smile, hair, and skin. Sounds eerily similar to your middle-school election for class president, which we all know was just a popularity contest that boiled down to who had the funniest speech. It's kind of the same thing here: Trudeau's got the hair and legal weed thing going for him; Mulcair is the happy old man who isn't racist; May is the only woman, and seems to give a shit about students' tuition; Harper has plans for the economy, and is good to the rich.

I don't believe in voting

What? What the fuck does this even mean. This is your friend who isn't dumb enough to say "I just don't want to vote," but not smart enough to say give a reason with any sense behind it. (There is at least one legit reason to not vote, so I am not talking about that.) No matter how many times I hear this, it still doesn't make sense to me. Articulate, motherfucker.

Democracy doesn't exist

This is your friend who studies politics and world issues in online communities. They also may or may not be a Tumblr Political Justice Warrior, but the bad kind. They're the student who speaks down to the teacher in front of the whole lecture and just can't seem to get the hang of those pesky social queues. Someone in the group brings up voting, and they scoff and subtly roll their eyes. I bet they don't even need to wear glasses. Of course "true democracy" doesn't exist—outside of textbooks from the late 1990s. This isn't a revelation, this is just a shitty truth in our shitty universe. Saying "fuck the system" isn't really effective until everyone is ready to smash the system. Besides, you can still rage against the machine from inside the machine.

With that happy note: go vote, kids.

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