Transcript Reveals Donald Trump Doesn’t Even Think About Canada, Surprise!

Well, there you go. Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings the Lord has prepared His praise, and in His infinite wisdom has called forth Donald Trump's disintegrating brain to give voice to every Canadian's secret fear: America is just not that into us.

What a punch in the gut. We call a Royal Commission on Canadian Anxiety every time a congressional intern in Washington so much as farts in our general direction, but you put the other two-thirds of NAFTA alone together and we are something lower than an afterthought.

Leaked transcripts of Trump's phone calls with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnball last January revealed that the US President laid his true feelings bare: "We do not even think about Canada," Trump said.

Chisel that diktat into the bottom of every Ten Commandments monument illegally erected on the lawn of a Southern courtroom.

It's fine, though. It's fine. Really! It's good, actually, that Donald Trump was never really thinking about Canada every time he got pissed off about NAFTA. We all knew his real preoccupation was a wall along the Mexican border that Mexico won't pay for and that he's not really invested in the softwood lumber dispute or supply management or any of the other drably Canadian hobby-horses we're supposed to care about.

I mean, you know, no news is good news for Canada. Oscar Wilde may have said that "the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about" but he also died broke of a brain infection, so put that gem of wisdom in your opium pipe and smoke it. We should be holding a ticker-tape parade through the streets of Toronto that the president finds no time in between golfing and screaming at daytime television to think about the Canadian trade deficit or recite the names of provincial capitals. This is a Godsend. We should feel liberated from our crippling obsession with what the American executive thinks about us.

You know how you only notice your internal organs when they're not working properly? Diplomacy works the same way, probably. Nobody wants an inflamed pancreas and nobody wants Canada making such a stink that the president knows we're up here.

Still, though. It stings a little. We spend so much time thinking about them and dreaming about Americans and putting them at the centre of our national life that it'd be nice to get a little reciprocity. The only thing worse than being in bed with an elephant is when they're also a selfish lover. We try out all the weird stuff they're into but they won't even entertain our very modest crushing fantasy. It's not fair. We have all these elaborate and baroque Canadian content laws designed to police how much attention we can pay to America and we're not even on their radar.

God! A good girl can't even go bad. I don't know, you'd like to think that an administration hell-bent on re-criminalizing recreational marijuana users would be at least annoyed that their northern neighbour is about to make weed fun and fresh for everyone from coast to coast to coast. Or maybe that a political machine powered almost exclusively by racialized resentment would pay more attention to the fact that they share the world's longest undefended border with the head cheerleader of the hyper-PC "diversity is strength" set. They don't even notice it when our army is subtweeting them for being transphobic. We're like chopped liver up here.

Millions of dollars spent on Canadian brand recognition for the 150th and it takes President Trump 10 minutes on the phone to Mexico to throw it all under the bus and then back the bus up over it and then set the bus on fire.

This will stand no longer. Trump will rue the day he stirred Canada to anger. Rivers of digital ink will flow from this slight into a passive-aggressive salvo of righteous fury so blistering that no mortal man could look upon it and live. It's just a tragedy that the man will call it "Fake news."

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