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We Have Some Questions About This ‘Game of Thrones’ Dildo

Winter is cumming.

by VICE Staff
Aug 23 2017, 9:27pm

Spoiler alert: There might be some, but who really knows when it comes to Game of Thrones. This is, after all, a post about a goddamn dildo.

Game of Thrones is one of the most popular shows of all time, and it's easy to see why. The show is full of death, boning, CGI dragons, nudity, and more. Until now, only the most dedicated LARPers have been able to roleplay all the stabbing and sexing at home.

Just in time for the season seven finale, one Australian sex toy company has released a Jon Snow-inspired dildo. Because of course.

The 'Game of Moans—Long Shaft' is a replica of The King In The North's Valyrian steel sword Longclaw, and the attention to detail is quite impressive. They even put the Stark direwolf on it for good measure! (Sure, the sword actually belongs to House Mormont, but a dildo inspired by Jorah's sword just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

In any case, we have some questions about this intriguing item (not the least of which is: who would pay $110 USD for it?).

Does it kill White Walkers? Obviously a dildo is a poor choice of weapon to vanquish your enemies, but false advertising if not.

Is it bigger than Jon? 11.5 inches seems like it could make a hero feel inadequate.

Is there a Lannister version—an Oathkeeper dildo? We're already imagining the dueling dildo fan porn this will spawn.

How many cease and desist letters does this company get in a month? This Spider-Cock also looks like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

What are its thoughts on incest? Doesn't say anything about this in the directions.

Is it a bastard? Does it know its true parentage? (These are all very normal questions to ask about a dildo.)

Is it safe to use this dildo in a cave north of the wall?

Is it possible for a dildo to be brooding endlessly?

Has this dildo looked into the Night King's eyes?

What's the silicone equivalent of Valyrian steel?

Do you have to declare it as a weapon at the border?

Should this dildo be passed down from generation to generation in a family's house like the real thing? Please advise, thanks.