Have I Been Pwned, the most popular database of compromised usernames and passwords, is up for sale. Creator Troy Hunt has received worldwide praise for his commitment to security and education, but now that torch must be passed, allowing rapid growth and inevitable franchising. With that in mind, I propose a Have I Been Pwned family of similar business ideas to whichever companies have their sights set on the acquisition.
Have I Been Cloned
A discrete and secretly backdoored video/image database, Have I Been Cloned aims to revolutionize the bulk data collection landscape. Simply upload all of your most intimate personal files and The Algorithm™ will immediately email you if someone has set up fake accounts using your face.
For premium customers, enjoy the comfort of knowing whether or not you’ve physically been cloned—enter your address and we’ll post you a blood vial, several marked tubes for hair, saliva, and skin samples, plus a set of free limited edition laptop stickers! Pop your biological materials over to one of our many anonymous P.O. boxes and we’ll store your DNA securely in The Cloud using a quantum blockchain.
While there are currently no known examples of malicious human cloning, rest assured that if there ever is, we’ll have your back.
Have I Been Stoned
So you recently learned how to use Tor, purchased some overpriced cocaine from the first marketplace you found, and now you’ve unwittingly snorted a fat line of paracetamol. You return to the seller ready to angrily dispute the transaction and the entire site has been seized by the FBI. We’ve all been there. That’s where Have I Been Stoned saves the day. We require all dark market sellers to send us samples of their goods for rigorous user testing. If we deem the drugs to be of high quality, we verify the account with a blue baggie icon.
Need extra security? Send us your drugs too and we’ll test them free of charge and tell you exactly what they are.
Have I Been Phoned
It’s getting harder and harder these days to tell the difference between incoming phone calls from sophisticated scammers and your own mother. You stare, sweating, at your vibrating smartphone shimmying across the table inch by inch, the screen lit with “Dave calling.” Is it your good friend Dave, or is it someone trying to convince you to wire money, donate your kidneys, or worse, offer feedback on a recent experience? You don’t answer. A knock at your door: “Mate, it’s Dave, I need your help!” You turn off the lights and sit in absolute silence, not wanting to risk getting scammed, beads of sweat still racing down your forehead.
Alleviate these nightmarish scenarios by uploading your entire contacts list and call history to Have I Been Phoned. We’ll tell you the true identities of every individual you’ve ever communicated with, using bespoke, highly aggressive snooping techniques. Illegal in your jurisdiction, legal in ours! And as an added bonus, we’ll pipe your home security camera footage directly to our sister company, Have I Been Cloned, to ensure your visiting friends and family are not evil duplicates.
Have I Been Droned
If you pose a big enough threat to national security, you can and will be monitored 24/7 by a team of intelligence agents using fleets of spy drones, some of which take the form of pigeons and mailboxes. Excessive? No, simple mathematics.
At Have I Been Droned, we’ve used a supercomputer to give you a proprietary score assessing your likelihood of making a government watch list. We can help you stay below the threshold with an 81 percent success rate. Have you read an entire book in the last three months? Own more than one Reddit account? Do you know how encryption works? If so, you may already be in danger.
All new customers receive our Unquestioning Model Citizen starter pack, including a subscription to Netflix, a Starbucks loyalty card, a bespoke indie Spotify playlist including hits from Imagine Dragons, a new internet history that mostly centers around 2 minute YouTube clips of lighthearted state approved comedians, a year’s supply of clothes purchased from known highstreet retailers, an Marvelmovie box set, and six organic avocados. The kit is guaranteed to instantly lower your threat score.
Have I Been Friendzoned
It’s a single page that simply says “Yes.” Seeking $50,000,000 initial investment.
This article originally appeared on VICE US.