Remember when Olly Murs shat himself in Selfridges? It's been a long time since 2017 now, so it's probably hard to remember exactly, but he did: last November, in the midst of a country-wide panic about terror following a number of incidents in London and nearby European countries, Olly Murs – who you know from coming second on The X Factor once – started a mass evacuation-cum-terror panic after tweeting to his 7+ million followers that a maniac with a gun was firing shots in the Selfridges he was in.
Nearby office workers locked themselves in buildings. The thousands of members of the shopping public stampeded to the nearest Tube station, or hid out in shuttered shops. People were calling their mums, convinced they were going to die because of what Olly Murs had said. Anyway, turned out it was nothing – there had been a fight on a Tube platform, people had run away, more people had run away from that and a gun squad had been called, prompting everyone to believe something serious was happening. There had not actually been any gun shots.
So, to re-iterate: Olly Murs started a terror panic for no discernible reason at all. That, I would argue – second only to Fabio killing a goose with his face that time – is the greatest celebrity story of a generation.
Anyway, Olly Murs is back, now, and he still believes. Speaking to Danny Wideshoulder at The Sun, Murs doubled-down, saying there was definitely a gunner in Selfridges that time – in the beauty aisle, specifically – and that there must have been a cover-up, or something, because it definitely happened. Here he is explaining how Selfridges is ruined for him now it's tinged forever with the taste of terror:
I am obsessed with this: Olly Murs, the most embarrassed man alive, going full tin-hat over the mythical Selfridges Shooter, maps printed out on his wall at home, pieces of string linking all the clues together, daubing "WHERE ARE THE BODIES? WHERE WAS THE BLOOD?" in Sharpie on the wallpaper when he should be sleeping. Olly Murs is demanding the CCTV. Olly Murs hasn’t slept properly in weeks. He’s the moderator of a whole conspiracy sub-reddit about it.
Can you imagine being locked in a potential Selfridges terror attack with Olly Murs off of X Factor? As best I can tell, Olly Murs has about three useable skills, which are: putting hats on and then cheekily adjusting the brim of them; making mums wet; and putting a decent shift in during an ITV-screened 11-a-side charity football match. Few of these can be used to distract a shooter inside the complex stations and side-stores of Selfridges. Olly Murs, sprinting into touch in a slightly-too-tight full England kit. Olly Murs, licking his lips and trying to flip a fedora onto his head, dazzling terrorists while the rest of us slink away. Olly Murs, winking to the camera and doing that cheeky smile. Olly Murs, taking a hail of bullets so we don’t have to, his body contorting and exploding to a perfect doo–wop beat. Olly Murs, buried a hero beneath the Union Flag, a mass parade to carry his coffin down the Mall towards Westminster Abbey.
But Olly Murs saw the truth in Selfridges that day. If he could find the people he huddled in the changing rooms with (didn’t get the names, didn’t get the numbers) then they would tell you: there was gunfire, there, despite all evidence pointing otherwise. Something happened in the Selfridges beauty aisle, and They don’t want you to know what. Olly Murs knows, though. Olly Murs will get to the bottom of it.
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.