You know what the best feeling is? The moment someone leans towards you, looks you in the eye and goes, "Can I tell you a secret? But you have to promise not to tell anybody…" Because everybody knows that—unless it's something horrible like "I'm dying"—secrets are lit.
This is where Glastonbury comes in. For as long as the festival has been up and running, it has thrived on the magic of secrets, whether that's the "hidden spots" that Time Out London are always banging on about, or whatever the devil's spawn of the Primrose Hill set are getting up to in the winnebagos after hours. And then, most importantly, there are the secret sets, which happen every single year and are usually good. Here are some people who have played in the past, unannounced: Lady Gaga, Pulp, Radiohead, The Libertines, Florence Welch, and Skrillex. See?
With that in mind, as soon as I trudged through the gates of Worthy Farm this year, I made it my mission to find out who would be playing secret sets, because what's a secret worth if you can't find out what it is? There were probably easier ways of doing this—such as emailing some PRs—but that's not very interesting for content.
Instead, I sidled through to the Healing Fields (the section of Glastonbury where there's loads of tipis inhabited by people with names like Astrid who are topless and eating lentils laced with hash) and tried to find someone who could bless me with their intimate knowledge of the future. Almost immediately I spotted this extremely wise-looking wizard, who told me that he was in fact psychic, and I knew he'd be the one who could tell me all the secrets I needed to know.
Noisey: Hi! What's your name?
Of course. So can you tell me who will be playing secret sets at this year's Glastonbury?
I'm sensing Hawkwind.
Oh wow. What will they be wearing?
Not much. The drummer has known to be naked because he gets too hot.
Where will they be playing?
In the mandala space. Over there *points*
Nice. And how is all of this coming through to you?
I can just sense it. I can feel the vibe. In the air.
So when exactly should I be hanging out by the mandala space to see Hawkwind?
I'm sensing either Friday or Saturday night. Nick Turner will be there from Hawkwind, and at least other two members will turn up.
Do you not think, like, Harry Styles is going to show up?
Harry Styles? Or Smash Mouth?
No, they're not. Not this year.
Oh. What is that thing you're holding? Does it help you with your visions?
This is a moon opal. When there's no light, it just looks like a moon and when the sun is really bright it looks like there's a red flame in it. In my pouch I have a very special crystal from Tibet, which I use for ceremonies.
Have you got any other secrets that you think will happen over the weekend? Any other gigs I should know about?
There are quite a few travellers and storytellers in the tunnel in the green healing field. I just feel like there will be a lot of people there tomorrow and something interesting will happen, but I don't know what.
I guess while I've got you, I should ask you when the world is going to end?
Oh, I've predicted so many world endings that now I just feel like… been there, done that. I once bought everything: rice, cans, enough food to keep half a dozen people going for two months. But every time I predict it, it hasn't happened. But at least I'll be prepared when it does happen.
It's wise to prepare. Otherwise people will be killing each other for food.
Thank you, Merlin.