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Someone Stole a Circumcision Ambulance, Also Turns Out Circumcision Ambulances Exist

But what 'is' a circumcision ambulance?

by Joel Golby
Dec 3 2015, 6:15pm

Photo via @ShomrimOfficial

On Wednesday a circumcision ambulance was stolen in London in a violent carjacking, with thieves making off with an estimated £30,000 [$45,000] circumcision-themed emergency response supercar. Again: circumcision ambulance. An ambulance for circumcision. Circumcision ambulance.

The vehicle was a private ambulance used by a home circumcision service. The driver was too shaken up by the carjacking to speak, but a friend told the Standard: "He believes they were waiting for him. They pounced on him, they ripped off his keys off his belt, and also stole his watch, before driving off with his car."

Now I am thinking basically the same thing as you, here, mainly: yo, what is a circumcision ambulance? Who needs to irreparably alter the end of his penis so desperately that an ambulance—and this is an Audi TT, this thing can move—has to race through traffic to show up at the front door of the patient's house for an ASAP snip?

"Hello, 911? Yes, my husband is having a heart attack. Convulsing on the floor in agony, shock turning him blue. Can you send someone immediately to cut the tip of his penis skin off?"

"Hi, 911, emergency: I'm stuck in a tree and I was hoping a medical professional could come and cut the last 20% or so of my penis away."

"Emergency services please, thank you. Hi, emergency, help: the tip of my dick needs severing or I will die."

I mean the police are on the case, anyway. People are sharing this photo of the ambulance on social media because that's how justice works now. But you've almost got to feel for the thieves, don't you? I mean, yes: they pounced on an innocent medical worker and stole his livelihood and his watch and left him so shaken up he can't speak, but you can't really move a TT that says 'Emergency Response' on it, can you? Quite hard to avoid the police in London traffic when you're in an extremely cognito ambulance with an overwhelming vibe of dick-chopping about it. "Hello Sir, it's me, the police. Can you tell me where you got this Audi TT that says 'ambulance' on it, please? Can you explain to me why you have a trunk full of foreskins, and where you are taking them?"

I just like to imagine the thieves waking up this morning and going to their lock-up under an arch in Brixton. "We stole something last night, didn't we?" They were high on those party drugs we talk so much about, they don't remember. And then they pull the tarpaulin off and whoomph: there's a badged-up Audi TT, £30,000-worth of immoveable vehicle, with an icebox full of dick tips and a load of extremely sinister tiny knives in the glovebox. "Ah," they are saying. "Shit." Sometimes crime doesn't pay, is the moral of the story here. The moral of the story is: do not steal an ambulance that is primarily designed for detipping the end off a penis.

HAPPY ENDING: They just found the ambulance in a pub car park in Newham.

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