NBA Dunk of the Week: Jayson Tatum, Look What You Did

Jayson Tatum, you poor, stupid, first-name-misspelled-ass Dukie bastard. Why would you do this? Why would you be granted a front row seat to the most dominant series of basketball one man has ever played on planet Earth, why would you see and feel and EXPERIENCE the pure fury of God and nature coursing through a human body, scoring on you over and over, and then lose your goddamn sense and challenge that power?

You moron! You complete moron! You didn’t need to dunk on LeBron. You could have laid it in, you could have passed out, you could have done anything, and yet, here you are, courting disaster, spitting in the face of Christ during The Transfiguration?

Really, man? A screaming chest dive? The most boring guy I’ve ever seen play basketball, deciding this was the moment to let the Shitty Kawhi routine drop, and jam himself into that dude? You think he’ll forget this? You think THE UNIVERSE will forget this?

Look at these lines, you fucking dumbass. Where do you think these come from? Did computer-boy Brad Stevens and Shitty Daddy Coach K so completely wipe your mind of the ways of the spirit, of Mankind’s connection to the Earth, that you can’t fucking see that this shit isn’t the product of working out, of skill, of singular basketball genius, or any of that horseshit?

Can’t you see with your eyes, feel with the hairs on your arms, sense, somewhere in your heart, hardened and shut off to the world by the barrier that “Basketball Science” built inside, that LeBron has exceeded the confines of the world your tiny eyes can see, and bonded with the deeper power of The Universe? He has left the world of mere “Titles” and “Wins” behind and has instead taken up the sigil of Nature’s Player, The Universe’s Representative on Hardwood.

Look at what happened after you committed this terrible, heinous sin! Did this dunk or the asinine chest bump “Get the crowd in it,” or “Drive your squad to new heights,” or “Prove anything is possible!?” NO! IT DID NOT! It did NOTHING but bring the whole wrath of LeBron James and The Universe down on your head. Your squad was in it, you went too far, and BOOM, YOU WERE CRUSHED, YOUR TEAM REDUCED TO NOTHING, YOUR FATE SEALED, LIKE YOU DESERVED.

You’ve taken too much from the pot of life, Jayson Tatum, you fucking idiot. You’ve gorged yourself at the buffet, drank straight from the jug, and sure, you’re fat and happy now, but the morning brings a hangover, and the hangover you can expect is terrible and evil.

Since rising to his current throne, all those years ago, LeBron has devoured everyone who has defied him, left them in the street to be dined on by rats. Gilbert Arenas, demolished. Paul Pierce, humiliated in public over and over, now living courtside to LeBron’s myriad accomplishments in his role as a terrible broadcaster. Dwight Howard, ground into dust. The Mavericks, declined immediately. The Spurs, found themselves tormented by Kawhi Leonard of all people. The Warriors, stained forever by blowing a 3-1 lead. Derrick Rose, rendered hopelessly broken and shitty almost immediately after stealing one of LeBron’s MVPs.

Fate conspires to destroy everyone who stands up to LeBron, sooner or later, and justice is coming for you, Jayson Tatum. I don’t know how it will manifest. Maybe your shot will leave you. Maybe Kyrie returning will throw your team into a state of perpetual malfeasance (Terry Rozier is already doomed to Death By Kyrie, and he didn’t even finish). Maybe Gordon Hayward will play you out of the rotation, and you'll be traded to the Pistons, where you will see your career slide down into the swamp of mediocrity until, one day, you find yourself plying a trade on a contender, but far away from the glory you dreamt of when you foolishly dunked on LeBron for no particularly good reason.

Is there a proper amount of horror on your face, here? Did LeBron strike the proper amount of fear in your young heart? You had to at least tremble when he sidled up to you, surrounded by cameras, leaned in, and whispered "...You will pay for what you did to me, 20 times what you expect… I am God in this world, and you are merely an ant…” It matters not, because you are now doomed to revisit this moment, this mistake from which there is no return, for the rest of your life.