There's plenty in the way of unspoken rules and tacky etiquette when it comes to navigating nightclubs as a single person. Pick-up artists have filled sordid books with negging techniques and terminology like "dancefloor real estate," in order to provide guidance to hapless dweebs in their pursuit of the mythical lay. Yet there is a gaping hole in the literature. It's all very well recommending pick-up lines to Iron Man fans who've just discovered protein shakes, but what about the rest of us?
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Let's posit that, somehow, you've managed to convince another person to enter into a consensual relationship with you. You've started watching House of Cards together, your parents ask how you both are, your laundry cycles have begun to overlap, like the confused merging of two orbiting cyclones. By and large this means domestic harmony—finally, making enough pasta slathered in pesto for two people is actually an appropriate portion—but there's a big wide world beyond the four walls of your hastily shared bedroom. At some point you'll be forced to take your new union into other, more challenging environments, and none provide more in the way of obstacles and moral question marks than the nightclub.A successful night out with your other half* can have a profound impact; nothing is likely to bring you closer to the One You Love than half a pinger and a Tom Moulton edit. Yet "the club" can you also transplant you back to the rampant individualism of your single days. Look around you: the writhing bodies, the unfettered availability of booze and drugs, the dodgy signal and bleak basements. The ideals of monogamy and mutual-respect can soon lose their appeal. You've had a few pints and a bump of some cheap drugs and nobody gets to tell you what to do, do they? Well, while this approach might make you a free-wheeling, inconsiderate legend for a night, you will also likely wake up the morning after with stinging memories of a shouting match in the cloakroom queue and a loveless night bus home. So, below are just a few golden rules and cardinal sins to consider when you next decide to get the cans in with your dearly beloved.
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*A housekeeping note: writing this article has made me realise how totally fucking impossible it is to write about people in relationships in a gender-neutral way, that doesn't involve words and phrases like "partner," "other-half" and "significant other." So please excuse my gradual transfiguration into a tabloid agony aunt/sex therapist.
Photo via Flickr user Elvert BarnesA big, steamy, noisy night out can be a great way to introduce your new life partner to your friends, but: don't be dick. There is no contempt greater than the scorn you'll earn if you leave your new love to fend for themselves in a room full of people they don't know. Don't swan into pre-drinks like Michael Corleone, disappearing into the kitchen with your core squad, your girlfriend/boyfriend catching a final glimpse of your face as the door closes, leaving them perched awkwardly on the arm of a sofa nodding along to whatever music is playing, while 15 people they don't know talk around them.AKA: drop at the same time.If you're in a bigger group this doesn't matter as much, but if you want to enjoy a night out just the two of you, it's worth trying to stay on a fairly even footing when it comes to general waviness. Communicate throughout the night about how you're feeling and when you're thinking of dropping again. Synchronicity is key. Your relationship will not be enhanced by one of you droning on about the "elemental power" of smoke machines, while the other silently contemplates how much their feet hurt.
1. DON'T FUCK OFF WITH YOUR MATES ALL NIGHT LONG
2. EMPLOY A COORDINATED INTOXICATION STRATEGY
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3. STOP ACTING LIKE A PERSONAL BODYGUARD
4. BEWARE GRAND DECLARATIONS
5. WHEN IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER
6. PDA POLICY
7. BRING CHEWING GUM
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