Two Guys Tried to Castrate Justin Bieber

One of the alleged Bieber ball-clippers.

Famous people have a pretty good life. Unlike the average Joe, they can afford to pay their mortgages and get laid regularly. Plus, they don't have to worry about whether or not that garish neck tattoo will hinder their chances at employment. On the other hand, being famous does have its drawbacks. Overzealous fans might ask for your autograph at the airport (annoying!), anonymous strangers might mock you on the internet for being too melancholy, or a crazy person might hire some hitmen to remove your genitals with a pair of hedge clippers.

That's what allegedly occurred to Justin Bieber, a young Canadian singer that happens to be very famous, and his bodyguard. The CBC reports that Dana Martin, currently incarcerated in New Mexico, allegedly hired two men to castrate Bieber and his bodyguard with a popular garden tool and then suffocate him to death with a paisley scarf. Fortunately for Bieber (and his bodyguard), this murderous plot was foiled when the alleged assassins accidently drove into Canada on their way to a Bieber concert in New York City. At that point, one of the men, Martin Staake, was arrested on an outstanding warrant and I assume the other guy, Staake's nephew Tanner Ruane, didn't have the balls to finish the job himself. He was arrested after further investigation of Staake revealed their plan.

Speaking of balls, Bieber's are apparently worth $2500 each on the open market, which is how much Martin was to pay Staake and Ruane for carrying out his plan. Considering the probable value of Bieber's life insurance policy, $2500 per testicle probably seems low, but my testes certainly aren't worth $5000 and neither are yours if you got 'em, so don't scoff.

A few days ago, Staake got on a local Vermont news channel and claimed that Martin's story was bunk, stating he "couldn't stop laughing for 45 minutes" when he heard the plan and that "I would have had a better chance of… kidnapping Osama Bin Laden and killing him than getting anywhere remotely close to Justin Bieber." While I commend Staake for recognizing, in hindsight, how bonkers his plan was, his alibi doesn't hold up to the released phone calls that have Ruane discussing "the Bieber thing" with Martin, claiming "We went and we bought some, you know, the fucking hedge clippers" before confirming the price of Bieber's testicles.

Martin claims that he organized the plan because "he was seeking a measure of notoriety." He was very forthcoming with investigators about the plan, probably because he is currently serving two lifetime sentences (one sentence for raping and murdering a 15-year-old in 2000), so he doesn't really have anything to lose. Martin's appeal for "notoriety," however, seems to be a little self-serving. He also claims that he had "become infatuated" with Bieber while in prison and has a tattoo of the Biebs on his leg. He allegedly made the decision to have the singer killed after Bieber ignored Martin's multiple attempts at getting in touch.

Why would anyone want to mutilate this young man?

There is a strong likelihood that this man has an unhealthy obsession with the pop star. Being a "Belieber" isn't in itself a crime. If it were, then millions of pre-teen girls, Bethany Cosentino, and Lil B would all be guilty. And while I'm curious about the quality of Justin Bieber tattoo a man can get in prison, that's not illegal either (though I would recommend you steer clear of this guy). More sinister displays of affection have been shown by the young girls who may or may not have been duped into cutting themselves by the trolls of 4chan in order to get Bieber to stop smoking marijuana, but wanting to cut off the guy's balls with hedge clippers is even more sinister than that.

Of course, these unnatural obsessions occur in all kinds of environments. Lisa Nowak, a highly-trained and highly-educated astronaut, allegedly drove from Houston to Orlando to kidnap and murder a romantic rival. The catch? She wore high density "space diapers" so she wouldn't have to make any bathroom breaks on the way. However, famous people are especially vulnerable to these sorts of crazy plans. Sometimes the star-crazed and emotionally unstable attempt to assassinate presidents for the love of Jodie Foster, sometimes they succeed in killing John Lennon, and sometimes they'll wander into Nicolas Cage's house and eat a fudgesicle while watching him sleep. Celebrities can even be targeted by international terrorist organizations, like the time al Qaeda wanted to kill Russell Crowe.

What I'm trying to say is that famous people don't have perfect lives. They have problems. I mean, you can be jealous of Bieber's success (I am), but you likely have not been the target of a castration plot. On the other hand, if someone did want to mutilate your genitals, they'd have a pretty good chance of doing it. They could just roll by your house while you're watchingBig Bang Theory, knock down the door, and have at you with something sharp. You don't have an oversized bodyguard to protect you like Bieber does.

Given that the would-be murderers referred to Justin Bieber's bodyguard as "M.B.," there's a good chance they were referring to Moshe Benabou, who recently sued Bieber for $420,000 in damages after the singer allegedly berated him, punched him, and didn't pay him for overtime. Bieber, if you're reading this, you might want to reconsider how you're treating Moshe. You're one of the most well-known entertainers on the planet, and there are people out there who quite literally want your balls, and not just in a sexual kind of way (which could be nice), but in a morbid, delusional, using garden tools to procure them kind of way. The only thing between them and you is a good chunk of stupidity and a large man paid to protect your body. Have you ever seen that movie The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston? Well, Moshe is your Kevin Costner. You should treasure him.

Follow Alan on Twitter goddammit: @alanjonesxxxv

More on Bieber:

Justin Bieber Barfed Because He Hates Himself

Wondering… Beware The Bieber

Does 'The Love Song of Johnny Valentine' Explain Why I've Seen Justin Bieber Naked?