Still of Toad via Nintendo / Twitter; photo of Trump by Win McNamee/Getty Images
By now, you're probably painfully aware of why Toad and Mario Kart have been trending on Twitter, but if you've somehow been spared the stomach-turning explanation, well, allow us to ruin your day: It's about Donald Trump's dick. Which, purportedly, looks a lot like Toad from Mario Kart.The world learned of this alleged phallic-fungal connection from an excerpt of Stormy Daniels's new memoir, which was published in the Guardian on Tuesday. As she tells it, the president's dong is "smaller than average," though "not freakishly small," and—you know what, we'll just leave the rest to the excerpt:
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“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…
“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…
Countless poor, innocent souls out there on the web thought Toad might just be trending because there was some new Nintendo game coming out, or because the internet suddenly remembered how much we all love the little guy. But once the dark truth revealed itself, the denizens of Twitter collectively lost their goddamn minds.“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”
Some, understandably, felt the urge to scrub the image of Trump's alleged "yeti pubes" and "huge mushroom head" from their brains by just going ahead and demolishing the cursed machines that brought them the gag-inducing news in the first place:
Others seemed to entertain the thought of doing irreparable harm to their bodies, because no physical pain can amount to the mental and emotional trauma of having a first-hand description of Donald Trump's "unusual" Johnson:
A few damaged individuals appeared to feel themselves reverting into infant form, rendered helpless and aghast by what may be the most horrifying writing ever published about the male anatomy:
Then there was just sheer, unadulterated horror:
You can't help but wonder how Team Trump is reacting to the revelation, and what fresh hell we might still be in for if his aides—or, God forbid, the man himself—decide to weigh in here. A few folks already have some ideas.
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We're very sorry you now have to deal with the knowledge, for the rest of your life, of just how purportedly disturbing-looking Trump's dong is, but hey: As you can plainly see above, at least you're not alone.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.