No One Asked, But Duterte Says He Has A Big Dick

Sometimes, when I’m doing my business in the toilet, when my phone is out of reach and I’m done reading labels off shampoo bottles, my mind goes places. It’s the painstakingly loud hum of boredom that calls me to think of things that are beyond the edge of what people think about daily. Things I can’t apply anywhere in my life. Things I can’t let other people hear. Things I don’t want other people to hear. You know what I mean.

Nothing that I’ve thought about, let alone manage to say in public, has come close to what Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte sputters out of his mouth in an almost weekly basis.

In a campaign rally just last week, Duterte said that he has a very turgid dick, one that “points all the way up.” That during his trips to the YMCA as a student, he would draw admiration while walking nude. That he thanks his father for gifting him long dick genes.

After calling opposition senatorial candidate Chel Diokno “ugly” (not the first time he’s done this), Duterte then said that a man is measured by his character. He then said that a man’s good looks won’t matter if he has a small penis. This is not the first time he’s talked about his dick either.

He would have been unhappy if God gave him a tiny penis, he said. The crowd laughed, as they always do.

It’s baffling to consider that he’s still spewing new material since being elected three years ago. His explicit language may be expected at this point, but whatever he says is most likely entirely something new. Add this to the catalog of Previously Unsaid Sentences in Human History.

Imagine transcribing his speeches. Imagine being Salvador Panelo, his presidential spokesperson (with a penchant for fancy threads). Better yet, imagine working under him. How you have to spin his words, or make it sound… better.

I have an idea. Collate all the bonkers shit Duterte says and make a Duterte Headline Generator. “Duterte tells crowd he has a big penis in campaign rally.” “Duterte tells Barack Obama to not make statements about extrajudicial killings in international forum.” “Duterte jokes about Australian missionary in campaign event.”

One thing is for sure: there is no stopping this man from letting him say his piece. But it sure doesn’t hurt to call him out.