Baseball

Real Or Fake Banned Supplement Name: A VICE Sports Quiz

Marlon Byrd's 162 game suspension gives us an opportunity to test your knowledge of banned supplements.

by David Roth
Jun 1 2016, 10:09pm

Photo by David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

On Wednesday, the well-traveled and completely rectangular outfielder Marlon Byrd was given a 162-game suspension by Major League Baseball after testing positive for the human growth hormone secretagogue Ipamorelin. He didn't appeal the suspension. Given that Byrd will turn 39 in August and was already on the sort of late-career path—sign with crappy team late in Spring Training, perform surprisingly well, get traded to a contender for a 19-year-old pitcher, rinse and repeat until fully washed—that suggests a proximity to the end, this might well be it for him. It's no way to go out, really, but players like Marlon Byrd don't get farewell tours. They just look progressively more like the baseball spuds in the original RBI Baseball until the whole enterprise is just too oblong to be feasible. Doofs like me can and will get sentimental about players like this, but mostly this is just the way it goes. Anyway, there is nothing much to say about Marlon Byrd. Let's talk about secretagogue Ipamorelin.

That's the name for a particular growth hormone that has anabolic steroid properties, and while it is catchy enough—Secretagogue alone sounds like the name of a philanderer-rich Long Island town in a particularly overdetermined John Updike novel—it lacks shelf appeal. If you look at the FDA's (long) list of banned supplements, you'll see that this isn't a problem. There are many other problems, which we can presume are reasons why these particular supplements are banned, but eye-catching names is not one of those problems.

Read More: Can You Guess Which MLB Draft Names We Made Up? A VICE Sports Quiz

The list includes steroids, weight-loss and muscle-building supplements, and a truly awe-inspiring roster of boner pills, and while we can assume that there are things wrong with them, credit where it's due—these guys might be selling Jolly Rancher extract, aluminum shavings, and "carp solids" as a weight-loss method, but they did name them well. Below this picture of Juan Uribe with several minions (FYI, we are not implying that Uribe has used banned supplements or PEDs, but we just like Uribe and we just like the photo), you'll find a list of supplement names. Half of them are real, and half of them are made up. Your challenge is sorting out which from which. No chemistry expertise is required. Good luck.

It only gets more difficult after this. Photo by Jayne Kamin-Oncea-USA TODAY Sports

BANNED SUPPLEMENTS: REAL OR NAH?

1) Revenge

2) Obedient Paenus

3) Mood Swings

4) Nasty Mass

5) Cave Diver

6) Bulker Stack

7) Stiff Days

8) Stiff Nights

9) Fast And Bulbous

10) Clalis

11) Throbbinol

12) Serious Rage Complex

13) Strong Testis

14) Extra Loin

15) Ejaculoid XXTREME

16) Stacked Dysmorphoplex

17) Miraculous Evil Root

18) Mass Destruction

19) Waingro X

20) SXSW

21) Intimate Intentions

22) SexVoltz

Answers can be found after this photo of Marlon Byrd looking furtive.

No one suspects a thing. Photo by Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

Actual-Existing Banned Substances: 1, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 13, 15, 17, 18, 22

Not-Yet Actual-Existing Banned Substances: 2, 3, 6, 9, 11, 12, 14, 16, 19, 20, 21

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