All the Basics You’ll Meet on New Year’s Eve

Seeing as I am not a muggle, New Year's Eve isn't really a holiday I care about celebrating. My entire life is PTO (Paid Time Off), so no holiday is going to dictate how hard I'm going to go off. Last year I spent my New Year's Eve with two Australian men I met on Tinder and their Vietnamese escorts in Ho Chi Minh City. The year before that I was doing something extremely boring with my ex-boyfriend, we probably kissed at midnight in my sequined dress with a champagne glass in my hand, as I pretended I was Caucasian. Now only simps celebrate New Year's Eve like it's something special, but don't get me fucked up, not all simps turn up the same way. Here's a guide to all the basics you'll meet on the last night of 2016.

Type A: We see her at 2:45 AM on King Street (if you live in Toronto). She has her stilettos in her hand and black feet on the pavement full of crushed cigarettes. We see her with mascara running down her cheek, crying as she looks for her best friend who already went to the hotel with the opening act. This is the girl who gets ready with all her BFFs on New Year's Eve, pre-gaming with vodka-crans, applying her fake-lashes, contouring and highlighting her face, squeezing into her bandage dress, and dropping $720 to see Diplo play the same set he's played for the last 72 years. This is the girl who waited three hours in a lineup full of Pauly D look-a-likes to get into the club. The same girl who uses daddy's credit card to get bottle service for her and all her best friends at the club, but still flirts with an older Armenian man for a free drink. She's the girl who spends more time taking group selfies in the bathroom than on the dancefloor.

We all know this girl.

Type B: Her and her boyfriend prepare their signature couple cocktail for the special occasion. It's an intimate white-themed party with ten of their closest friends. They live in an "urban" studio in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. They serve toasted brioche with creme fraiche and caviar, a recipe she found on Pinterest, on plates that they bought from Williams Sonoma. They get too drunk on champagne and cocktails and pass out before midnight. They wake up in the morning to have missionary sex that they pretend to enjoy and then hit their favorite brunch spot for mimosas and huevos rancheros for a little ethnic touch.

Type C: Her Twitter handle is @deadmau5ever_69. It's 2 PM, and she is in the parking lot outside Buffalo Bills in Whistler. It's -1 outside, she is wearing a neon pink bra and neon green thong, but luckily she has the boots with da furrr *T-Pain voice* to keep her warm. Her and her "rave family" chase their molly with Four Lokos in her mom's Toyota Corolla that she stole for the weekend. She can't wait to bring in the New Year with her favourite electronic music duo, Odesza. When midnight hits and the fireworks go off, her and her rave family get lost in the lights as they clench their jaws and sit in a massage circle to comfort each other. As Odesza drops "Say My Name" and she holds her rave boyfriend's hand close to her heart, she is peaking.

Although I love being a cynic and hating on New Year's Eve, because I'm  lucky enough to celebrate living everyday of my life, some people aren't as lucky. So fuck it, if New Year's Eve is that one day you spend $720 on seeing Diplo in Vegas, or making fancy cocktails with your best friends or popping molly at a rave, then go the fuck off and enjoy your New Year's Eve. In 2014 I was in a dumb dependent relationship, 2015 I got deported, and 2016 I was recovering from my deportation. Every year I tweet "20__ is my year."

As I enter 2017, I am getting prepared to work on my debut album, and my first book and TV show. In the New Year I'm going to work toward growing Intersessions (an inclusive DJ project that provides a safe space for women + LGBTQ), DJing, and starting more projects that not only excite me, but help create community, and a cleaner, happier, safer world I can be proud to be a part of. Although 2016 has been a hard year for a lot of us, especially if you are a woman, POC, or on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, in 2017 we will come together, be there for each other and create safe spaces and opportunities for each other even if your government doesn't seem to be your ally. We can be there for each other. 2017 is not only going to be my year, it's going to be our year.

Follow Chippy Nonstop on Twitter.