I suck at video games and my mother is to blame. Besides a bulky, grey Game Boy that I smuggled home in the mid-90s, my house was relatively Nintendo-free because my granola-hippie boomer parents thought that Super Mario was the devil.
My only opportunities to bust throat-ripping attack combos playing Mortal Kombat (“FINSH HIM!”) or slam some sweet dunks in NBA Jam were at friends’ houses. Still, it just wasn’t that fun for me. While video game mechanics came naturally to my bros, I could never keep up with the pace or figure out which button did what, causing my character to usually die within 15 seconds of pressing START.
That’s why I appreciate the simplicity of the old school Atari 2600 video game console. There’s a joystick, a red button, and that’s it. The games are not only simplistic enough for any video game-deprived 80s baby like me, but there are also pornographic ones that let you play simultaneously with both your God-given and Atari-manufactured joysticks.
Since only a special breed of nerd actually owns an Atari 2600 console today, I downloaded an emulator program that let me play these games on my laptop for free. The downloads are quick and easy because it’s 70s technology. So, if you want to try them out, read these reviews and see which pervy, old-school title is for you.
Mystique created several adult-only games for Atari in the early 80s, and Custer’s Revenge was their most controversial release. Feminists, Native Rights groups, and video game critics were outraged at its depiction of a naked cowboy scurrying across the screen while avoiding falling arrows, in order to thrust his pixelated boner into a busty Native American woman tied to a pole. Every 50 rape-thrusts get you an extra life. While it’s pretty easy to avoid the slowly falling arrows in the beginning, like intensely weird sexual relationships in real life, shit gets crazier the more you bang until eventually the sky comes crashing down and everything falls apart.
The 80s graphics and sound effects are pretty crude, but even in 2012, it’s pretty clear that you’re playing interactive racist pornography. In fact, the game’s instructions say, “If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just dancing.” While I’d never use that half-assed excuse or play this game anywhere near children, I’ll admit that the gameplay is super addictive and fun despite its racist reimagining of Custer’s Last Stand.
Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em
Even though Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em has the best video game title ever, it has been hailed by critics as one of the worst games in video game history. While they’re probably right in terms of its misogyny, I found it to be user-friendly. The sound effects weren’t annoyingly repetitive, and the pixelated way the two girls lick their lips after they swallow the yellow cum almost made me barf-laugh.
The goal is to not let any cum touch the ground, with every 69 drops of cum swallowed earning you an extra life. The graphics are so bad that even though you know it’s a guy jerking off, it looks like he’s either lifting his giant balls up and down vigorously, or using a beige-y skin-coloured jackhammer that leaks tiny bricks of butter.
People always talk about bachelor parties being wild fuck fests. In actuality, they’re usually just a bunch of chongos staring at bored-looking strippers, waiting for their boners to subside so they can get up and drain all the cheap beer they just chugged. How awesome would it be if they were more like this game though? In Bachelor Party, a giant bottle of the aphrodisiac Spanish Fly pushes a naked guy towards a bunch of nude women who subsequently disappear after getting slam-banged. It’s basically the dicks-and-tits version of Breakout, and it was definitely the most fast-paced and difficult of the three games I played.
My favourite part is that the little guy has a rock-hard boner flying toward the women, but when he’s deflected back, it’s saggy and sad. This happens back and forth until he dies by missing the paddle, averaging out to popping one boner every four seconds. While this is totally unrealistic at real bachelor parties where boner-killing coke and booze flow like crazy, it’s fun to be optimistic.
Rating: 5/10 (good game but minus points for being too hard, no pun intended)
You can download the Atari 2600 emulator here. Find the games with Google, if you want 'em.