Because we have fewer guns, free healthcare, and good manners, Canadians like to think that they’re more civilized than Americans. But on the regular, our polar bear riding, snowmobile crashing, maple syrup chugging tendencies overtake us, and we are exposed for the hosers that we truly are.
Here are the Canadians this month who have done an outstanding job of solidifying our international reputation as toque-wearing buffoons.
LIKE MOTHER, LIKE SON
Last Sunday, in Innisfil, O.N., a 27-year old man was arrested for impaired driving. No big deal, eh. It happens everywhere, bud. But only in Canada would his mom come to pick him up hours later, just to get herself thrown in jail for the same charge after an officer allegedly smelled liquor on her breath.
Both the mother and her son got their cars impounded and their licenses suspended for 90 days. At least they’ll be able to split a taxicab en route to their court dates next month that unfortunately are booked just before Mother’s Day. It’s true what they say: the hoser doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Mother Nature is a hoser too. In recent weeks, mammoth-sized icicles have been causing shit all over Saskatoon. The frozen behemoths have been forming on the sides of buildings, threatening to crash down on neighbouring cars, apartments, and innocent Canucks who just happen to wander underneath one of these icy death daggers. One of the original icicles even has a Twitter account, @GiantIcicle, with more followers than me! For now… Heck, I’d be surprised if there wasn’t someone scripting a B-movie horror based on the imminent icicle apocalypse. The Saskatoon fire department is warning citizens to avoid going anywhere near the icicles as the weather gets warmer and chances of getting crushed by these melting ice-goliaths becomes more precarious. Is there a more hoserish way to die? I don’t think so.
ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM BASEBRAWL
Canadians do most of their fighting on skates. So, when the shit goes down in a sport outside of our comfort zone—like baseball—our hockey instincts still come through. On March 9, at a World Baseball Classic game in Phoenix, A.Z., a bench-clearing brawl erupted after Team Mexico’s pitcher Arnold Leon threw a malicious pitch that hit Canada’s Rene Tosoni.
For Chrissakes, they even broke out the most Canadian hockey fight move of them all: pulling the other guys’ jerseys over their heads! Baseball legend and Team Canada coach Larry Walker told reporters shortly after, “It’s Saturday night. We’re just trying to get on Hockey Night in Canada.” Well, they did. And unsurprisingly, Don Cherry came back with classic rock ‘em sock ‘em comments like, “Boom. He gets him down!” and “That’s the way to go! A good Canadian boy.”
LE PRISON BREAK
This past St. Patrick’s Day, instead of getting blotto, two men made Quebec prison break history by hijacking a helicopter and landing it on the roof of a Saint-Jérôme prison, where two inmates then grabbed onto ropes and flew away to freedom. A very temporary freedom, mind you. The two prisoners Benjamin Hudon-Barbeau and Danny Provencal (along with two accomplices that kidnapped and traumatized a 20-year old helicopter pilot) were arrested just hours afterward. This is clearly something that the hoser classic Trailer Park Boys should’ve scripted if they’d had the budget.
SUBZERO SWIMSUIT GRANNIE
Grandma Kim Bright from Brandon, Manitoba, has been making viral videos of herself wearing a bathing suit in subzero weather while snowmobiling, skating, snow shovelling, and all other things typically Canadian. In most of her videos, she yells, "Fight on, Manitoba!" while trying to cheer up her fellow Canucks who are still enduring the brutal cold. She told the CBC they started as joke videos she’d send to her friends who’d moved to warmer places for the winter. Like a true hoser, she opted to stay put and risk hypothermia in the name of lulz.
That’s it for March. We can’t wait to hear about all the new and exciting ways Canadians find to embarrass their country over the next four weeks. Fight on, hosers!
Feel free to send Greg local hoser news via Twitter: @GGRPike