Go Ahead, Mute Your Friends on Instagram and Twitter

A few months ago, while I mindlessly clicked through Instagram stories, I caught my friend staring into the camera, tears streaming down her face.

After she choked out a gurgle-y hiccup, she started vlogging her despair: her wedding—the best day of her life—was over.

I opened her Instagram feed, tapped the “Following” button, went through the options, and hit “Mute.”

I love my friends, but I don’t always love their social media presence. I’m sure they feel the same way about me. While my friend shared her post-wedding withdrawal story for her small audience, I was probably posting too many post-breakup thirst traps. We all have our vices, and that’s why the Mute button saves (digital) lives.

Social media is a cesspool of cringy behaviour, and most of us are guilty, but that doesn’t stop us from feeling righteous. Posts can trigger unreasonably hostile reactions: as if there’s nothing we’d love more than to stamp a big, fat NO ONE CARES on all of the posts in our feed. Did you just get married? How cliche. Is your baby cute? She looks like a thumb. Are you vegan? I assure you we already know.

My friend’s IG story was the last straw for me. I had spent at least a year and a half following her pre-wedding content, from the dress-shopping meltdown to the daily countdown. After experiencing content fatigue, I had to detach from her social media presence—I thought it was better to slink away silently than make a friendship-ruining comment.

In comes the glorious Mute button. A silent protest against well-meaning but grating content. A button that allows us to keep our friends after we’re finished rolling our eyes over their #plantbased post.

If you’re reading this, you know deep down you’re guilty; we’ve all muted and been muted.

In 2019, 3.48 billion people used social media—that’s nearly half of the world’s population. And all of those people have the potential to make everyone’s blood boil for posting useless shit online.

With that said, here are the top reasons your friends may have (lovingly) muted you, and what they’re probably too scared to tell you IRL:

We get it, you’re the first person in the world who has ever had a child. It’s a big deal. Obviously it’s fine to post photos of your offspring (preferably funny ones). The problem is when it becomes your whole brand—when you update your bio to say “mama” you know you’re heading in the wrong direction. And there’s also the whole passive aggressive, new parent posts where you complain about how tired you are and imply that your childless friends have nothing to whine about. It is totally true that we’re more well-rested than you, and that might even be why we chose to not have kids.

Sure, wedding photographers cost a lot. But getting your money’s worth by squeezing all of the remaining pulp from your big day all over your Instagram feed gets old real quick. Yes, #TBT and #FBF happen every week, but six straight months of the “best day of your life” should suffice. Just buy a bunch of blown up prints and hoist them next to your “Live, Laugh, Love” decal. Also, when did using customized wedding hashtags become a thing? That needs to end immediately.

Why did everyone who stayed in my hometown become a bodybuilder? Fitness posts are basically the least sincere thirst trap because every pose looks too sexy. I mean, who looks that good after a long workout?! I, for one, sweat ferociously and am often wearing a raggedy t-shirt that’s down to my knees. While I’m happy that you’re pivoting to health, there’s also a somewhat fanatical tone that fitness accounts take on, and it gets grating after a while. Let me enjoy my carbs in peace. Worst of all, #fitfam pics remind us that we don’t have six pack abs or Michelle Obama arms—and the preachy motivational captions just make us feel bad for not doing anything about it.

First, vegans. I say this as a vegan who’s done this and been muted: Before you post an inspirational recipe with overpriced, obscure ingredients like aquafaba, nutritional yeast, and carob—don’t. No one cares that you used chickpea water to whip up a meringue. Everyone experiencing schadenfreude at the expense of vegans right now, you’re just as guilty. Whether you’re posting the greasy pizza you ate after a night of partying or flavourless chicken and brown rice for Sunday night meal prep, just remember it’s all going to the same place: the toilet.

No matter how great you think these turned out, staged engagement photos are c-o-r-n-y. It’s either a romantic outdoor setting, reminiscent of a Bollywood dance number or the backdrop to a karaoke video. Or it’s “edgy” and you’re inexplicably on the roof of a former carpet factory in an industrial but slowly gentrifying part of town even though the reality is you sell real estate in the suburbs. The whole covertly recorded proposal thing is sweet I guess, but it also feels pretty thirsty to share that moment with the world in a quest for likes. But fully public proposals are worse, so there’s that.

Everyone actually loves these, but space them out a bit.

Do you not have a job? Honestly, props if you don’t but it’s making us all insanely jealous.

Unless you’re selling something, it just doesn’t feel like this is necessary. And if you are selling something, you probably deserve to be muted.

Listen, you can either be hot, or self deprecating, you can't have both.

This mostly gets annoying when you have semi-important friends and you’re clearly posting/tagging them for clout. When it gets to the point where you’re constantly sharing screenshots of your group chat, it feels a bit desperate.

If you do this, chances are you’re likely getting over a breakup. Or you’re a boomer.

Nothing screams Charles Manson like this white, culty shit.

You know you don’t have to do this, right? Like, it’s not part of the terms of service on Twitter that you must come up with an ill-thought out take on every single news event. If you have to read an entire Wikipedia entry before you finish the tweet, it may be best not to send it. No one is dying for your incisive commentary on Bolivian politics if you’re a transit reporter from Edmonton.

Stop trying to be Kylie Jenner.

There is an art form to dragging—it should be witty, and just the right amount of mean. Like this post.

This is when people try to be edgy and meta by complaining about all of the mutable social media behaviours we’ve listed…by doing the exact same thing. Think: starting your vlog with, “I don’t usually vlog because that’s lame, but…” Don’t try to elevate yourself from the masses when you’re as nakedly desperate for validation as the rest of us.

Pet photos are always OK, though.

With files from Manisha Krishnan and Taylor Rivers.

Follow Anya Zoledziowski on Twitter.