Being cheated on is one of the most heart-wrenching things a person can go through. Not only has your heart been trampled, but trust in your partner and sense of safety has also been decimated. It's common for feelings of pain and inadequacy to linger for years.It's also confusing—many aren't sure what to do next. It can be overwhelming to know how to address the partner who betrayed you. We asked experts––a sexuality educator, a dating coach, and a therapist––and a few people who have either cheated or been cheated on to give their best advice about how to move forward. They cover what you should and should not do when the infidelity is discovered in order to keep your sanity and heal quicker.
Advertisement
Answers have been edited for length and clarity.If you find out you've been cheated on, you should absolutely not destroy property, hurt anyone, or threaten to do either of those things. It's not worth it, and it's not going to bring you peace.Is it ever possible to salvage the relationship after a cheating incident? Absolutely. People step outside the boundaries of relationships and that damages intimacy, but that looks different to everyone, and there's no single solution to conflict. It's about figuring out why this breach of trust happened, how to repair that breach and what the people in the relationship need to feel safe and loved.I think the people who are best at dealing with infidelity are polyamorous people because they don't think there's a universal right answer on what everyone should expect or do in a relationship. What counts as cheating to poly people is based on whoever's in the relationship, not the rest of the world. They are more likely to navigate the relationship as individuals, not by trying to fit into roles. So if you're cheated on, I recommend More Than Two, Ethical Slut and Poly Role Models as resources.
Timaree Schmit, PhD, sexuality educator
Advertisement
Laura Yates, dating coach
Lydia K., discovered her ex-husband's infidelity
Advertisement
When I was going through everything, I couldn't imagine how I was going to get through it. Everything hurt so much, and I was so sad. A divorced family member, who went through something very similar, told me that she found the process oddly empowering, and at the time I couldn't even begin to understand what she meant. As it turns out, she was right. This was probably the hardest thing I have ever been through, but the process also taught me how strong I am. With the support from family and some really amazing friends (and a little help from a therapist), I am happier than I've ever been.Infidelity is usually is a symptom of longstanding, deeper problems, and its discovery can be an opportunity for a couple to become more curious about what's not working in the relationship that led to acting out and betraying the other.If both members of the couple are motivated to salvage their relationship, they would be well served to seek professional help. I'm a believer in a yours, mine, and ours approach; that is, three licensed mental health professionals. If not already in treatment, each partner would benefit from finding his or her own individual therapist, plus a couples therapist for the relationship. As a side note, many people aren't aware health insurance covers both individual and couples therapy, but it really does.
Geoffrey Steinberg, PsyD., psychologist
Advertisement
What I see nowadays is that infidelity usually gets discovered as a result of digital fingerprints in one form or another. It can be tempting from that point to embark on a campaign of digital surveillance, but it's not usually productive. It tends to only reinforce mistrust, when the task facing the couple is to rebuild trust. This comes from real, honest, in-person communication that's not mediated by technology. When a couple has trouble communicating productively like this, that's where psychotherapy becomes essential. The challenge is to learn to put feelings into words rather than actions, especially destructive actions like cheating.I cheated on my first boyfriend with my second. My first girlfriend cheated on her partner with me for four months. Once they broke up and we were exclusive, she cheated on me for the length of our relationship.Make sure you have someone you can go vent to. You're going to be feeling a lot of things, and you need to get them out. Just choose this person carefully—preferably someone who knows your partner but is your friend and is guaranteed to have your back. I'm not saying you can never patch things up with someone who cheats, but that's a very personal decision and not one to be taken lightly.Also, know it is not your fault. Sometimes people cheat because they aren't getting something emotionally or physically from the relationship. Sometimes they cheat because they don't fundamentally understand the concept of monogamy. Sometimes they cheat because they're an asshole. Regardless of what the reason is, it is not your fault. And don't let them spin it as such, saying you weren't giving XYZ. You're a cool person (I'm assuming). You deserve better.
Anna R., has cheated and been cheated on
Advertisement