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Meet the Nieratkos

Scientists Have Cloned the World’s Most Handsomest Skater

Alien Workshop’s Dylan Rieder is undeniably the hottest man on Earth. It only makes sense, then, that scientists in Belgium have replicated him so that their citizens can bask in his beauty the same way we have in America.

by Chris Nieratko
Sep 26 2013, 6:25pm

Long before pro skater Dylan Rieder became the international heartthrob that he is today, psychic rapper Keith Murray prophesied in 1994 that the then six-year-old would one day become The Most Beautifullest Thing In This World and wrote a song about him. It would prove to be Murray’s biggest hit.

Nearly 20 years later Murray’s prescient words, “Stop tryin' to see where your eyes can't follow / Say goodnight to the world and goodbye to tomorrow… (because Dylan is more gorgeous than Jean Harlow),” have come to pass.

Behold:

In 2013 everyone be loving Dylan. Girls pee themselves when they see him and all the fellas are on his jock because of the way he holds a piece of nicotine. His style of dress (highwater pants, dress shoes, and wetsuit-tight shirt) have been adopted by confused skaters the world over. You’d be hard pressed to find a skatepark anywhere from Saskatchewan to Mozambique that doesn't have a resident Dylan doppelgänger.

Recently I found myself in Aalst, Belgium, at the Flesh and Bones skatepark on a Vans tour when I swore I saw Dylan skating the park. I found it odd that he would be there since he hasn’t ridden for Vans in a number of years, but looking at his trademark wide-legged stance and chiseled jaw I was absolutely certain it was Dylan. Dylan’s Alien Workshop teammate, Gilbert Crockett, was with us, but Dylan completely ignored him. I wondered if there was a bigger riff at Alien than just Anthony Van Engelen and Jason Dill leaving to do Fucking Awesome.

So I went up to him after the demo and asked him a few questions.

Turns out I was mistaken and it was just one of those Dylan clones. It all struck me as very surreal that someone could emulate a person’s every mannerism. To be fair, I did adopt a chain wallet in 1990 and try to play the accordion because of Matt Hensley, but I didn’t mimic his every facial tick and stance. That kid in Belgium had Dylan down pat.

I sent the video to the real Dylan to see what he thought. I also threw the same questions his way. Seems the kid even nailed Dylan’s interview style: speak softly and choose your words wisely.

VICE: How do you feel about Ave and Dill leaving Alien Workshop?
The Real Dylan Rieder:
Those guys are my family so I support any decisions they make. Of course I'm a little sad that we're not all on the same program anymore, but it's all good. They had to do what they felt was best for them.

Are you upset they didn’t ask you to ride for the team?
Not at all.

Are you happy Mikey Taylor is off Alien Workshop now?
Isn't he starting a board company with P-Rod?

How do you feel about kids all over the world emulating you?
I don't know what you’re talking about.

Does it make you feel flattered or uncomfortable?
Both.

How often do your friends send you photos of a Fake Dylan?
I've seen some pretty spot-on ones.

Have you ever come across one of these doppelgängers in real life? What was that like? Like looking in a mirror?
A few times. It's always funny.

Have you ever thought about hiring a Fake Dylan to stand in for you at autograph signings?
I would love anyone to stand in for me at demos and signings—doesn't everybody?

Which is your favorite Dylan Rieder photo to beat off to?
HA!

For more on the most beautiful man to ever set foot on a skateboard, watch our Epicly Later'd epiosde on Dylan:

Follow the real Dylan Rieder on Instagram @swankfuck_inc or check out 3 Shades of Blk.

Previously - Jordan Baumgarten Packs Heat Instead of Film

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or @Nieratko.