Meet the British Men Using Comedy to Challenge the Stigmas Surrounding Mental Health

For most of Bryony Kimmings and Tim Grayburn's show Fake It 'Til You Make It, Tim's face stays covered. Bryony says her boyfriend is hiding behind binoculars, jumbled up rope, and clouds of cotton to avoid looking into the eyes of the audience because he's nervous to be performing for the first time. In truth, it's because Tim has been hiding for much longer. Tim suffers from severe clinical depression, and Fake It is the first time he's revealed the depths of it to the world.

While the way Tim tells his story is unique—most sufferers don't deal with their illness through interpretative dance—the fact that he's suffered in silence for so long definitely isn't. In 2014 [three-and-a-half times](http://www.samaritans.org/sites/default/files/kcfinder/files/research/Samaritans Suicide Statistics Report 2014.pdf) more men committed suicide than women. Despite this, women are still 75 percent more likely to seek professional help in the case of depression. Men are dying because they feel like they can't speak up. Some guys like Tim however, are using comedy to come to terms with their problems, and in doing so encouraging other men to break their silence.

Tim used to work in advertising and Bryony made performance art about things like chlamydia. Unsurprisingly, it was Bryony who talked Tim into making a show about his illness. She first discovered his depression six months after they met, when she found his medication tucked away in a backpack. Tim thought that would be game over: finding out the person you've spent half a year falling in love with is on a medley of prescription drugs can't be easy.

In fact, Tim told me that Bryony was the first person to really understand: "She was amazingly supportive. Because she had another family member who was struggling, I think she was a bit more aware about it—a bit more understanding."

As Tim continued to struggle, Bryony came up with the idea for the show. Throughout Fake It, the couple address their own problems, as well as driving home the point that millions of men and women suffer, but men tend to suffer alone. Tim's now reduced his medication, and is hoping to come off it in the near future. I asked him how getting up on stage has changed the way he deals with depression and anxiety: "I had no idea how helpful this was going to be for me. I honestly just thought it was going to be worse after I got up on stage in front of everyone. I thought, That's not going to do me any good, not with my anxiety. I had no idea the whole process would be so therapeutic."

Tim thinks that researching the show has been a massive help, too. Now that he understands his illness, he feels more prepared for when it strikes. Before his diagnosis in his early twenties, he just thought the headaches, sickness, fatigue, and even his suicidal thoughts were normal.

"I thought I was being a pussy, basically. I didn't actually believe in depression myself, I thought it was just people who couldn't hack life." In reality things were beyond his control. "It's why I got so bad, because I ignored it. I didn't take any medication, I drank to hide the way I was feeling. It all got too much and I got really ill. We're trying to encourage [people to open up], blokes especially, because we're idiots and we don't talk about it."

I spoke to Dr. Joyce Benenson, a psychology professor based in the US, who carries out research into why men are less willing to appeal for help when something's wrong. She's observed behavior in boys as young as three that shows they're more stubborn than girls, and believes this could be biological, rather than simply stemming from society's image of the strong, resolute male.

According to Benenson, "It's not that much of a leap to posit that females are just wired biologically to take better care." No matter what causes men to go it alone with their problems, Benenson sums it up alarmingly frankly when she quotes another suicide study: "Women seek help. Men die."

Phil Wang is a stand up comedian who's used to revealing his deepest anxieties to rooms full of strangers. He suggests comedians and performers are naturally more honest: "I think because our job is to think about ourselves all the time, we do get to some harder truths about ourselves." Despite this he admits men often hide their feelings, telling me "They want to keep it under wraps, don't want to talk about it at all. Men are probably in touch with their emotions, but they're not expressive with them. And it's traditionally seen as emasculating to be so."

For Phil, as for Tim, performing helps him to come to terms with what goes on inside his head: "It's a release, a form of therapy. That's a bit of a cliché but talking it out—establishing a recognition from the audience of what you're talking about—it makes you feel less crazy and alone." Even as a professional comedian, though, the nerves still get to him, and he'll push his glasses down his nose until the audience's faces are blurred. "People think it's condescending but it's just because I'm too nervous to look them in the eye."

Carl Donnelly is another stand up, and he's spent the last few years making people laugh while living on antidepressants. He's off medication now, but still finds it easier to speak about his illness on stage rather than with friends. Humor is a way to explore his issues, but he sees too many men hiding behind humor. "I think too many guys use it as an end point, if something's upsetting them and someone asks if they're all right they'll just make a joke about it."

Carl reckons that a male reluctance to talk about mental health issues could be a hangover from a previous generation: "A lot of men at the minute feel quite lost. I think since the roles of each sex have changed, most guys have made the transition quite well, but the older generation are still like, Don't talk about your feelings. I think there's still a part of the new generation that's very similar." According to him, attitudes might have changed, but the way a lot of men behave hasn't. "Although now you're allowed to accept that you're broken and to talk about it, I'm a bit worried that there's a new wave of old school blokes coming through."

Tim doesn't know exactly what makes men go it alone, but he does think society's gender roles are stopping guys from speaking up. "I can't help but think that it comes from centuries of conditioning. At the end of the day, [men and women are] made the same, we've got a cock and balls and that's the only difference […] I don't think there needs to be any emotional differences."

One of the best outcomes for him has been the reaction of his friends and family. Tim used to be a roofer, and he tells me how loads of his mates are builders and carpenters: "I was terrified they'd treat me differently, be more sensitive around me because they didn't understand what depression was, they'd just think, He's a bit sad, we better not take the piss out of him."

In reality little has changed, and Tim's given his friends the courage to confront their issues. "I've started getting messages from loads of friends telling me they're going through this or that, or they have done like five years ago but they didn't want to tell anyone. And it's not just mental health problems either; it's any kind of problem. A mate had a gambling problem and he feels now that he can completely open up and talk about it."

Male stubbornness surely goes some way to explaining the shocking suicide rate, which keeps increasing despite a steady erosion of the stigma surrounding mental health. Whether this is down to Dr. Benenson's biological theory or, as Carl suspects, the legacy of his Dad's generation, humor has long been used to hide anxieties and fears. For Tim, confronting his problems through humor hasn't smothered them, but it has made them manageable: "It doesn't make you feel so alienated." If comedy makes more men realize they don't need to alienate themselves, they might finally seek help, too.

'Fake It 'Til You Make It' is playing in the Traverse Theatre, Edinburgh, from August 6 – 30.

Both Phil Wang and Carl Donnelly are playing in the Pleasance Courtyard, Edinburgh, from August 5 – 30.

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