Illustration by Kat Aileen
When we left off in part two of "Owls," Drake had just finished arguing with Skepta about whether or not BBK could absorb OVO and then made fun of Skepta's British accent. Drake then forced 40 make a beat out of Jewish folk songs. Now, we return with our hero, the 6 God, maybe facing down Eminem, the Rap God, in a beef that was predicted by Ebro on Hot 97. Read part one and two of "Owls: A Drake Story."
*Aubrey Drake Graham does the Ginobli dance to "In We Blood" by Machel Montano in his posh living room. PartyNextDoor pretends to ignore him, perusing random models' snapchat stories on a red BAPE couch*
Drake: Doesn't it feel like colors are brighter since Gucci got out?
PartyNextDoor: I guess
Drake: You're no fan of Guwop, Jahron.
PartyNextDoor: Name one song off of Back to the Trap House.
Drake: So Icy
PND: lol no
Drake: Who cares? I know him in real life. I'm Drake, for goodness sakes, man.
Drake: I'm lit, OVOfest list, Toronto is lit,Canada is lit right now, fam.
PND: And Joe Budden is lit.
*Drake laughs so hard that he begins to crumple into a ball on his cashmere carpet. He spreads out and stares at the ceiling as his laughter subsides.*
Drake: Joe Budden is not lit. He's a pop culture commentator now. Joe rapping now is like Steve Francis going back to the NBA.
The Weeknd: People seem to think he's getting your goat.
PND: Oh, great. It's creepy me.
Drake: Where did you even come from, Abel?
Weeknd: I came to say hi and got lost on the other side of the house for 4 days.
Drake: Oh yeah. You're in OVO too, right?
Weeknd: Hahaha, your sarcasm is so unpredictable and hilarious. No wonder Saturday Night Live asks you to make Kardinal Offishal jokes.
Weeknd: How are things going with you and Kylie, Jahron? I see her in public with her light-skinned otter of a boyfriend, but I know your MO. You're like a career side nigga.
PND: How are things going with you and your disposable clothing rack, my nigga?
Weeknd: Very cokily
Drake: You two sound like teenaged girls.
Weeknd: Speaking of immaturity and confusing emotions, you said “fuck Joe Budden” on a stage?
Drake: Yeah. Fuck that guy, man.
Weeknd: Wow, this is exactly what I feared.
Weeknd: It was one thing to have your little personal vendetta with Rahmeek.
Weeknd: You destroyed your friendship with Nicki and got a Grammy nomination for asking man if he was on his girlfriend's tour. It was hilarious.
Drake: He answered, by the way. He admitted it was his girlfriend's tour.
Weeknd: Now you're "beefing" with Joe Budden? The "Focus" guy?
Drake: He dissed me twice, Abel. He tried to Me me!
Weeknd: So you respond on a French Montana song and make fun of him at a concert?
Drake: French didn't mind
Weeknd: Of course he doesn't mind. No one listens to French Montana songs for French Montana.
Weeknd: His fans are leftover Max B fans. It's like the rap equivalent of Bernie fans voting for Hilary.
Drake: Were you getting to a point or did you need to provide our oxygen with more similes?
Drake: Did you even see Joe chase those kids down the street?
PND: Yo, I was cry-ying
Drake: He was outside of their car in a damaged wife beater! Holding rocks! It looked like bum fights!
*Drake and PND begin laughing. Weeknd lets out an unsure giggle. Drake begins doing a humorously accurate impersonation of Joe Budden's voice.*
Drake: "Hey, man. Don't run up to people, man. I'll kill you like you were in Esther Baxter's stomach, man."
Drake:" If you roll up on me like that you might die, unless Raekwon sent you." lol
Drake: Come on, Abel. I'm having fun with Joke Budden.
PND: That's a good one.
Drake: Yeah, I use it in my next diss "Not Yet".
Drake: No disrespect badman fi bants make mans a duppy seen
Weeknd: Please fucking not do that anymore
Drake: You wanna hear it.
Weeknd: For the sake of exposition, sure.
*Drake takes out his iPhone and presses it a few times. A Wondagurl beat that sounds like 808s driving past starts playing from the ceiling speakers. The drums drop and Drake smiles at the Weeknd as his voice begins rapping.*
Drake: They try to pull my card, that's the wrong gambit
Drake: My cards accepted in every store on the planet
Drake: You walk inside my garage and think you in traffic
Drake: I look inside your garage and start laughing.
Drake: You really plan on driving that?
Drake: I hope nobody see you hopping outta that.
Drake: Lord, why you even throwing shots?
Drake: Your glass house shattered, boy, why you holding rocks?
Weeknd: I've heard enough, Graham.
*Drake turns down the volume of his home speakers*
Weeknd: What's next? Are you going to beef with Busta Rhymes? Method Man? Everyone from Def Jam Vendetta?
Drake: That doesn't sound like a bad idea.
Weeknd: You are high on success.
Drake: And it's grand. Speaking of success, I need to call someone.
*Drake takes out his phone and makes a call. He begins to crack the knuckles on his right hand with his thumb as the phone rings.*
Dj Khaled: Blessings.
Drake: Khaled Khaled, the man with the plan.
Khaled: We all have the plan, fam. When you plan you're successful. They don't want you to plan. They want you to be aimless. If you don't aim, you can't hit your target.
Drake: I see Major Key is doing well
Khaled: That's because we make good music for the good people. The people from the hood and the not-hood can find a key in every song, Drake.
Khaled: We're not just making hits, Drake; We're making anthems. Classics. Monuments.
Drake: For sure.
Drake: So I have an exclusive for We the Best radio. You'd be very interested in this one.
Khaled: Absolutely. Who turns down a Drake exclusive? No one. Nobody. Not me. Not you. Not them. Nobody.
Drake: I'll e-mail you directly. I can't have this leaking out. You never know who to trust nowadays.
Khaled: You can trust me. I have honor. Integrity. The streets honor me. I love the streets and the streets love me back. I do it for them. The streets. The hood is--
Noah "40" Shebib: Hey, Drake. You might want to hear this.
Drake: Hear what, 40? I'm on the phone.
40: Well, your buddy Ebro just told everybody you're gonna diss Eminem.
Drake: What? Khaled, I'll call you back.
Khaled: Word, Drizzy Drake, you know I got you. I hold you down. I got your back. I'd give you the shirt off m--
*Drake hangs up*
40: Ebro got on the radio and said he told you Eminem was gonna diss you and you said "I got something for him"?
Drake: What? That was taken out of context.
Weeknd: You're going to battle Eminem, now? Oh, goodie, you'll get the Detroit gym badge.
PND: I don't know why you let that guy Ebro into the fold. He's one of those weird new york niggas.
Weeknd: I heard people in New York name their Timberlands.
Drake: I have to call him and clear this up. When I said Eminem wouldn't do that, I meant like "we're cool". Not like "He's a bitch".
PND: I met a dude from Brooklyn that has a closet with the same wife beater and jeans over and over. Like a cartoon character.
40: Too late. It's all over the Internet that you said it.
*Drake takes out his phone and proceeds to call Ebro Darden. Drake checks the bottom of his shirt for loose fabric as it rings*
Ebro: Yo, Drake! What up, man!
Drake: You told everybody I wanted to beef with Eminem?
Ebro: No. I told my co-hosts.
Weeknd: I fucked a girl from Brooklyn once. She couldn't cum unless you put a gun to her head and told her she was from Brooklyn.
Drake: On the air, man! What the shit? Not badman ting.
Ebro: I didn't think it was a big deal You, Nas, Jay and Eminem are the best rappers out right now. If you two guys clashed--
Drake: Get on twitter right now and tell everyone you were joking.
PND: I was at a party in Harlem where people communicated by gettin lite.
Drake: I need you to collect your shit so it's together, okay? Don't do that anymore.
Ebro: Yes, sir. It won't happen no more. I put that on Fredro and Sticky, my favorite pair of Timberlands.
Drake: Good bye, Ebro.
*Drake hangs up his iPhone and tucks it into the pocket of his OVO joggers*
PND: Hey, Drake, did you know that they have Timberland pageants?
Drake: Ron, what are y-- Nevermind.
Drake: This isn't good. This is no good at all. Eminem is, like, on the face of 2000s rap Mt. Rushmore. This risk was uncalculated.
Weeknd: Didn't I tell you? I said "you want to act like we're G-Unit" and now you're attracting "beef" from the guy that put G-Unit on. You're a big fish swimming in the wrong lake, Aubrey.
Drake: I could call Eminem. We did Forever together.
*Drake suddenly receives a phone call. He looks at the screen and sees “unknown number”*
Drake: Oh, jeez, Joe Budden is calling me again.
Weeknd: He has your number?
Drake: He got it from Tory Lanez.
Weeknd: How did Tory Lanez get it?
Drake: I don't know, Abel, I don't work for Bell.
PND: You gonna answer it?
Drake: Might as well.
*Drake picks up the phone and rolls his eyes*
Drake: Aubrey Graham, October's Very Own.
Joe: Drake. It is your arch nemesis.
Drake: Being broke?
Joe: Hahaha, how droll. You know it's Joey, Aubrey.
Drake: Ah, yes. You just went viral for offering to clean some boys’ car windows.
Joe: Haha, fuck you, Aubrey. You're an affront to rap music. You use ghostwriters then have the nerve to demand respect?
Drake: Whoa, whoa, Joseph. You have little ground to stand on when it comes to demanding a respect.
Drake: How you remain afloat under the weight of all the Ls you've taken is awe-inspiring. Having popular twitter sycophants as your PR team seems to be working well for you.
Joe: I'm sure you've heard Em is coming for you. *sniff*
Drake: Oh? You're sic’ing your new daddy on me? Too bad you couldn't do that for Hitman Holla, huh?
*Drake hears what sounds like something being slammed into the phone receiver repeatedly*
Drake: Are you. . . are you on a payphone?
Drake: Hahaha, you're so not me.
Joe: Drake, we're going to finish you. Em is going to set you up and then me and slaughterhouse are going to end you.
Drake: Slaughterhouse? That's you, Royce the 5’7” and I-Ball, right?
Joe: and Joel Ortiz.
Drake: Who? Is he new?
Joe: You're a fucking dweeb, Aubrey *sniff*. You're so phony. everybody can see it but no one cares because you're Canadian.
Drake: And handsome. And rich. And a great rapper.
Joe: Stop calling yourself a rapper! Yo a pop star.
Drake: And you're a podcaster. Did you want me on your podcast? Is that what this is about
Joe: Well, you wouldn't know since you don't usually answer my calls. Yo-
PND: So you might want to see this
Drake: See what?
*PND hands Drake his phone*
Drake: Funkmaster Flex is premiering an Eminem song? Right now?
Drake: What? How?
Weeknd: Me and Bella have been talking about conspiracies and shit, so ignore me if you're stupid, but this might have been a set up.
Drake: What do you even mean?
Weeknd: Ebro says you want to beef with Eminem and then a DJ at his radio station just happens to have the diss immediately?
Drake: He didn't say it was a diss. Where can we hear it?
PND: You have to download the HOT97 app.
Drake: Never in my life.
*Weeknd takes out his phone and finds a periscope stream titled "EMINEM DISSING DRAKE OMG"*
Drake: I thought periscope was a fake snapchat.
Weeknd: You should do things besides surf instagram for up and coming rappers to quote, unqoute "put on".
*The 4 OVO brothers crowd around The Weeknd's phone to watch the stream of someone else's phone playing the HOT97 app*
Funkmaster Flex: Its time
Funkmaster Flex: Its the time we've been waiting for
Funk Flex: Y'all know it's only one place to get the real exclusives
Funk Flex: This is real radio. This not some company streaming on your phone and making you pay monthly to hear rock music by mistake.
Streamer: Oh my God, shut the fuck up!
Funk Flex: Drake said he had something for Em. Em said he already got it.
Funk Flex: The wait is over. No more waiting. Eminem said "forget that waiting mess.”
Funk Flex: Here it is. I don't think y'all ready.
*a beat comes on that sounds like the theme music for a scary sitcom with trap drums*
Funk Flex: New Eminem. "I Got Something For You". Let's go.
Eminem: No more subliminals ima get to you
Eminem: individuals that think that Marshall put up his "I'ma come kill you" boots
Eminem: They say they Owls, I say I'm fowl.
Eminem: I piss in their mouths and howl and run off into the woods like. I'm wild.
Eminem: Its views from six feet deep when my clique eats
Eminem: We feast just like beasts and fight like Mike T
Eminem: That means Tyson, that means bite him
Eminem: I eat him alive shit on his guys
Eminem: They'll scream "oh my God, whyyyy?"
Streamer: HE IS GETTING IN DRAKE
PND: Dog, this is butt.
Drake: It doesn't matter. Eminem is one of the most popular rappers in America. I can't openly beef with people that win grammies.
Drake: Not to mention he's still considered the best rapper alive by anyone in a state that's more than 60% white people.
Drake: Making Eminem look foolish won't be easy. He does that himself with his self-deprecating humor.
Weeknd: I thought you had something for him?
Drake: It was said mostly in jest. It was bravado talking. I mean, I could handle him, but I wasn't, like, prepared.
Weeknd: So you acted tough to impress the guy that gets into twitter arguments with Rae Sremmurd?
Drake: That doesn't matter now.
Weeknd: It does matter. You're tarnishing the OVO brand with this fake street guy, badman bullshit.
Weeknd: I believe you may be. . . unfit. I would suggest that I should be leader of OVO, but then that would mean I have to help you.
Drake: It also means you'd have to be better than me. That's impossible when I made you.
Weeknd: But what happens when you unmake yourself?
Weeknd: Yeah, you think too hard about that. I'm going to go get some cereal.
Weeknd: Oh, I'm having a party, so don't be surprised by the 142 women in the west wing of the house.
*the Weeknd walks out of the room*
PND: I mean. . .
Drake: There's only one thing to do in this situation.
40: and that is?
Drake: We need a plant. Get our meme guy to make memes about Eminem being played out and how he hasn't put out a good album since S Club 7 was out.
PND: Couldn't you just put that in a diss?
Drake: No, dummy. If we get these memes circulating, it will seem like more people are in support of me than there really are. Meanwhile, I can pretend I'm ignoring the whole thing and look all nonchalant and cool.
PND: Don't call me a fucking dummy.
Drake: Whatever, Jahron.
Drake: 40, notify your 14 year old cousins to begin "Operation: Memeandneme".
40: Meme a neme?
40: Bro, I--
Drake: Tell them to make Eminem memes. Make sure to use the Arthur fist and the "Mind if I Wild Out" ones.
40: Um, okay.
Drake: Autumn has come, gentlemen. It is our season and no one can take it from us.
Drake: No one
*Several owls hoot in the distance ominously*