VICE Sports will be recapping the new reality television series Very Cavallari to specifically highlight the goings on of former NFL quarterback Jay Cutler because above all else, we love and cherish Jay Cutler. The first two episodes are recapped here, with weekly coverage continuing from now until the end of time.
The advent of Kristin Cavallari’s new show, Very Cavallari on E!, appealed to me initially because there was no person more effective at striking fear in the hearts of the tanned, rich teens in Laguna Beach and later, The Hills, as Kristin Cavallari. You want to talk about BDE (OK, nobody does anymore, I know), Cavallari served it in spades, usually from a pool, using only her flip phone or flipping her long side bangs as conduits. Who was going to Talan’s BBQ? Who cares! What was Kristin going to say to LC? On The Hills she showed up as the series started to falter, joining as a full cast member in season five to light a proverbial and a few real beach bonfires under LC’s ass, yet again, and mess with the drama-free demeanor (Fake! We all know who brought the drama) of Brody Jenner.
So why, then, in Cavallari’s return to the small screen am I immediately magnetized to a lumbering oaf with vacant, bedroom-as-in-still-asleep eyes named Jay Cutler? Because as it turns out, Cutler is the star of this show. If you don’t really care about affordable necklaces or the smiling hey y’all drama of middling Nashville musicians and the women Kristin hired to do the social media of her lifestyle brand, Uncommon James, you will be drawn to Jay Cutler as if you were a vampiric body who only chose to feast on bored, rich men with probable head injuries who watch live deer-cams all day.
As someone who knows nothing and cares even less about football, I did know that he played it. Heaven’s sakes, I’d lurked Cavallari’s ‘gram before. But what I wanted to know after Cutler’s first few dazzling seconds of on-screen time was: Does he know he played football? Does he know where he is? Does he know winter vests are not for indoor wear anywhere, let alone Nashville? I had a lot of questions, and sensing I was not going to get answers but ready to fall face-first into the cult of Cutler, I continued watching. Assuming you don’t have as much time on your hands to watch a man-sized goldfish swim blissful circles around his Tuscan-inspired Nashville mansion for 43 minutes a week, I am happy to recap the best of Jay Cutler from a show he doesn’t seem aware is being filmed around him eight-ish hours of the day.
After a nice monologue from Kristin on her and Cutler’s magical first date, a 24-hour trip to Nashville that later made both of them want to relocate and raise their kids there, Jay enters carrying a gigantic Yeti cooler, wearing a puffy vest and backwards hat that seem, size- and style-wise, to be pilfered from his young sons. He slams the cooler down on the clean butcher block counter and proclaims, without being asked, “Uh, meat.” Then, “That elk my dad killed,” then, “Why are you so dressed up?”
Kristin is, in fact, wearing a shirt that fits. “To work?” She says, in her classic Cavallari this-is-so-obvious-you-idiot-that-I’ll-phrase-it-like-a-question deadpan. After a bit of poking around what seems like it will be the recurring issue on the show of Jay Cutler not having anything to do and staying home all the time, Kristin asks him point blank, “But honestly what do you do… all… day?”
“I like to keep myself pretty free so if something does pop up, bounce right into it.” Then he takes a big sip from his big mug.
Jay Cutler really likes teaching moments. For example, after one of Kristin’s employees comes over and parks her car on their football field sized front lawn, the next time she is over Jay has her accompany him to the garage. There, he has a stack of traffic cones. It’s unclear if he has always had these, because he also has those tall ones with lights on the top used for road closures and construction. Anyway, Cut’s got cones.
“We’re going to play a game called ‘Where would you park in the grass?’ and then we’re going to put a cone there,” which, Jay, shitty game but sure. After some protest he reiterates, “If you guys wouldn’t park in the yard so much we wouldn’t have this problem.” As far as we, the viewers, know, this has only happened once.
It should be noted that Jay is wearing a toque (“beanie”) and we have yet to see his head on this series premier.
Date night, baby! And the big reveal of Jay Cutler’s head. Jay and Kristin are making more of an effort to go on not-at-all producer-prompted dates so the topic of Jay’s unemployment can be broached over candlelight. But to Kristin’s dismay, Jay doesn’t really have leaving the house on the radar.
“Not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking for the exact opposite of that.” Amen, Jaybird.
Episode two opens with Jay coming home from a haircut. It’s the morning, so he must have gone early. When he’s asked what he’s got on tap for the day he responds, “Buy a house,” like you or I might describe swinging by store on the way home to pick up some paper towels.
“Is this just because you need something to do?” Kristin asks, “You need a hobby?”
He is watching deer feeding on adjacent properties from his iPad so it’s safe to say he doesn’t need a hobby.
Let it never be said that Jay Cutler doesn’t protect those that he cares about, especially things that are smaller and weaker. It is revealed that Jay has a fish tank which he maintains and Kristin find him in the kitchen (90 percent of the time Kristin finds him in the kitchen) watching those fish. Typically, Jay operates from a place of mild- to needs-medical-attention comatose, from which he is rarely rattled. However, Kristin calls one of his fish ugly, and his fluttering lids fly open.
“No,” he shakes his head, “no. You’ve probably spent, maybe, two seconds looking at that fish tank. Do you know how many fish were in there?” He pauses only for dramatic effect, not waiting for an answer, “We had five at one point and all five of those expired, so.”
“So you got replacements already?” Kristin asks.
“Yeah,” he shrugs, “and they’re thriving. They love their life.”
Out for a round of driving range and drinks, Jay and Kristin are joined by Kristin’s best friend and Jay’s recently out friend. The talk turns to dating, with Jay asking his bud if he has had any love connections on his visit to Nashville. Talk turns to Jay and Kristin, and how they started dating. Turns out, Jay wrote love letters to Kristin back when she was still living in Los Angeles. An anomaly, Kristin says, because Jay has “no game.” This is said with footage of Cutler leaning wayyyy back in his chair at Topgolf, visibly cleaning his teeth with his tongue. Whatever this is, I want more.
This article originally appeared on VICE Sports US.