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Gene Simmons Doesn't At All Regret Trying to Trademark the Horn Hand

"People said 'you can't do that.' Actually, bitch – I can."

by Lauren O'Neill
Aug 18 2017, 2:04pm

Imagen vía Wikimedia Commons

Honestly man. Can someone get Gene Simmons a softly-furnished seat? Just like, a cup of camomile tea? A hot water bottle, even. Anything that will just get the guy to chill out for one second of his life. Please. For me. I am begging you.

Basically he has done an interview with the Windsor Star, a local Canadian publication, where he was asked about that time he recently attempted to trademark the sign of the horns (among all the other shit he has also attempted to trademark). Here was what he, an adult human, had to say:

Windsor Star: Finally, there's been some backlash over your attempt to trademark the 'Metal Horns' or 'Rock On' hand sign. Any regrets about that?

Gene Simmons: I regret nothing. Wake up every morning and let your conscience be your guide. Did you know I own the money bag logo? The dollar sign with the bag of money. I own all kinds of things. I own 'motion pictures' as a trademark. Anyone who thinks that's silly – the silliest thing I've ever done is wear more makeup and higher heels than your mommy. People said, 'You can't do that.' Actually, bitch – I can. I can do anything I want to do."

I wanna just go over a few details here. Firstly, Gene Simmons owns "the money bag logo." Let's rewind to 2006, where he discussed this with the good people at Forbes, shall we? When asked, "What is the best thing about work?" he announced:

It's that you get paid. The poorest person in the world will always tell you that. The fat, bloated American will always tell you it's about doing work they love. People who are the salt of the earth get up and go to a job that they hate. I love money; that's why I've owned the money bag logo for 28 years.

I mean this is a trip in itself; even aside from all the really weird prejudices that are happening in that fairly short statement, there's also the fact that Gene Simmons has owned the money bag logo since 1978, according to my calculations. Just take that in. In 1978 Gene Simmons thought: 'you know what I would love to be the legal owner of? A literal drawing about money. Haha.'

I also want to draw your attention to the phrase "I own all kinds of things" because if there isn't a strong hint of the Trumpian about it to you, I don't know where you've been for the past few years. Finally: Gene Simmons apparently owns the phrase 'motion pictures'? I'm tired.

Honestly, I don't really know what the endpoint of this is. Probably we're living in a timeline where Gene Simmons will soon just own all of us. But for now, I guess the moral of the story is: live your life with the confidence of an ageing rockstar? You too can do anything you want to do, as long as you have royalty cheques earned from novelty KISS merchandise, with which you can buy commonly used phrases so that people have to pay you for them. Inspiring.

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