Two Arkansas men got all dummied up on the good stuff and allegedly did something most of us, at one point in our lives, have probably wanted to do—they shot a friend point blank in the chest, police said.
According to a police affidavit, after riding the liquor train hard for a few hours, our two pissed-up-protagonists, Charles Ferris, 50, and Christopher Hicks, 36, decided it would be a great idea to test the quality of a bulletproof vest by each of them taking a bullet while wearing it. Then, police told local TV station KFSM, when the cops came and asked what was up, they lied their asses off to not get caught. (Narrator’s voice: they got caught).
The tale starts, as it should, on an Arkansas porch—Ferris’ porch to be specific. For some ungodly reason, Ferris was already wearing a bulletproof vest as the two started crushing cold ones. Soon enough, the conversation turned to what it would feel like if buddy got shot in it—something I’m sure comes up everytime boozin’ is mixed with kevlar vests.
According to the affidavit, Ferris—being the scientist of the pair—told Hicks to shoot him in the chest. Hicks, being a good friend, obliged. As it turns out, being shot in a bulletproof vest smarts something fierce. This pain “pissed” Ferris off, he told the cops, and he soon got Hicks in the vest to get his revenge. When Hicks was all dressed up, Ferris, according to his own words in the affidavit, "unloaded the clip into Christopher's back.”
Neither of them were seriously hurt, but as was said earlier, getting shot fucking hurts, so they were both in some significant pain. When Ferris complained about how much he was hurting to his wife—the only rational one in this story—she convinced him to go to the hospital.
Hicks ended up at the hospital complaining about chest pains. When Hicks was being treated, the coppers talked to Ferris, who concocted one hell of a tale to cover for his buddy. According to KFSM, Ferris said that he was working as a mercenary-type guy and was hired to protect an “asset” for the tidy sum of $200. He said that they went out into the woods and a dang gunfight broke out. Ferris stated that he was hit six times in the vest but—like the professional he is—managed to escape with the “asset.”
Hell yeah, dude. I’m sure the cops were totally buying what Ferris was selling, but then his wife showed up and told the cops the two were wasted and shot each other. Ferris quickly changed his story and told the truth. The two men were arrested on March 31 and have since been charged with aggravated assault. If found guilty they face a maximum punishment of six years in prison and a possible fine of $10,000.
Totally worth it.
Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.
Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter.