I Celebrated Every Made Up Internet Day for an Entire Week

People love making up reasons to celebrate, and the internet has only compounded our need to cram each day with as much tacky bullshit as possible. There are the traditional celebratory days and commemorative occasions—Christmas, Yom Kippur, Remembrance Day, etc.—that are steeped in cultural and spiritual significance. At the very least, many people generally agree these days are important and real, even if some might just be corporate cash grabs. Then there are the lesser days. These are the days that only exist because local radio DJs need something to talk about and because, again, there is money to be made.

Novelty occasions like Mustard Day, Something on a Stick Day, and Name Your PC Day are apparently legitimate. You've no doubt celebrated these, but just in case you are a godless heathen, daysoftheyear.com (a leading source of important day information) can educate you. For example, Name Your PC Day is on November 20: It's the holy time of the year when you "christen your PC once and for all." Of course, this day is not recognized by Apple users, who celebrate Steve Jobs Day on October 16 and iPod Day on October 23.

There are so many of these days, there are often several that land on the same date. Life can be one big party if you're bold enough. That's why I decided to celebrate all the days I could find for a week. I combined every theme, ceremony and tribute no matter how obscure. The end result meant I maintained a perpetual alcohol buzz and publically embarrassed my wife, Jill. I also learned that no day worth celebrating unless you strive to make the world a better place.

Day 1: Tequila Earhart Day
My brother Michael and I were on our way to pick up our cousin Nick Faye to celebrate Cousins Day by getting McDonald's. I'd already had McDonald's for lunch, seeing as how it was also Drive-Thru Day. When I picked up my earlier meal, I asked the clerk, "Why is it OK for George W. to start drinking again?"

"Huh?"

"Why not? He's got everybody else drinking!"

"OK," the clerk flatly responded. Tell An Old Joke Day information wasn't clear about how old the jokes had to be, so I printed off a bunch of George W. Bush gags to be my only conversation starters.

With my cousin fed and properly celebrated, we proceeded with our mission: to fly a kite across Wascana Lake in our home city Regina, Saskatchewan. Allow me to explain: I'd spoken to a museum manager named Katie Evans from the Amelia Earhart Birthplace Museum in Atchison, Kansas for Amelia Earhart Day. During the phone interview, Katie told me "Amelia Earhart accomplished so much in aviation, especially for women."

She also told me apparently the pilot wore pants because "she didn't like her ankles." Keeping these points in mind, and acknowledging Thermal Engineer Day, I wrapped my lower leg in duct tape. I don't know. I guess thermal engineering has something to do with air ducts or sometimes. Either way, I didn't have enough tape for both legs.

Ankle hidden, I tried to become the first person to canoe across the local lake while flying (a kite), for Amelia. I asked my cousin what he thought about my efforts and he said, "This is a stretch." I shut him up good when the kite took off though. I held the string like a god keeping the planets in orbit. It was majestic, an homage to one of history's greatest aviators. And then the kite crashed and sank under the murky water. I reeled up the tangled wreck, greasy with urban filth. Back at home, I ripped out a bunch of leg hair while taking off my duct tape tribute to thermal engineers. I dulled the pain of failure by honouring Tequila Day. "Why not? He's got everybody else drinking," I whispered into my glass.

Day 2: Hot Fudge Merry Cheese Wine Day
First thing on my list was to find somewhere to ring in National Merry-Go Round Day. There weren't any nearby fairs with carnival-style carousels, so I had to settle with the spinning metal contraptions commonly found on playgrounds. At least, they used to be on playgrounds. Word is, some nerds probably took the merry-go rounds away because they think they're dangerous.

But I didn't have time to process this setback: I had to hire a veteran. I called up Jim Lowther, president and CEO of Vets Canada, to find out about National Hire a Veteran Day. He said veterans have unique workforce skills. "They've had so much training in various trades and jobs. It only makes sense for companies to hire them … They bring knowledge and leadership." Jim, who is a veteran, was right.

"I would like to hire you," I offered, "I will give you $10 if you can answer my question: What do you think of merry-go rounds?"

Jim answered, "They make you dizzy?"

Ultimately, Jim would not accept my money, but I still technically offered him a job, which he completed. It was time to take in the comforts of Hot Fudge Sundae Day, Wine and Cheese Day, and Culinarians Day. Incidentally, my wife Jill is an incredible cook, so I challenged her to a contest to see who could best combine wine, cheese and hot fudge sundaes. She made a wine-infused chocolate sauce drizzled over vanilla ice cream with chunks of soft goat cheese. Her cheesecake-like dessert was delicious. By compassion, my creation—a blended smoothie of ice cream, chocolate, cheddar and a bottle of wine—tasted like carny hurl.

I was stuck on how to acknowledge Thread the Needle Day. To commemorate this, the internet told me I had to navigate my way through a difficult situation. Fueled by salty milk wine, I set out to fix this merry-go round situation by emailing Mayor Michael Fougere, Premier Brad Wall and the Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau. Only the premier's office responded, telling me my concerns had been forwarded to the appropriate ministry. A metaphorical needle had been threaded.

Day 3: Uncle Bagel Day
Wednesday was a day for spreading peace. I spoke to Karen Mosby over the phone, who was calling from Windyville, Missouri. She is the international secretary with the School of Metaphysics. I hadn't heard of this school, but I had to reach out for One Voice Day. Apparently starting back in 2003, according to Karen, the school wrote and read a so-called "peace covenant" to commemorate the dedication of the organization's first "peace dome." She said to celebrate, "The idea is to read the covenant to reach out to people."

I couldn't find a peace dome in Saskatchewan, so I ended up settling for a parking lot under a Domo gas station to read the peace covenant to anyone who passed. As several people rushed by as they exited a nearby gym, I projected the surprisingly long covenant at them. My wife, who I begged to take photos of the important occasion, chose to find peace in the car at a distance.

Cleansing myself in divinity made me hungry. Luckily Bagelfest Day and Coffee Milkshake Day meant I would soon gorge on a carb bonanza. The only catch is National Aunt and Uncle Day meant I would be eating food prepared by Vincent and Anthony, my 10 and 7-year-old nephews. We set them up with some dough and told them they had access to any ingredient they wanted to make custom bagels for uncle Devin. I would eat them no matter what. All or Nothing Day is for the kids. I shoveled down their art project bagels consisting mostly of sprinkles, marshmallows, grapes, hot-sauce and a pile of seasoning salts. It tasted like love.

Day 4: Existential Crisis Day
As a searing love dump obliterated my colon the next morning, I realized this was my first day as a 29-year-old man. July 27 is my birthday, and I had one heck of a theme party planned. I'd put out a public post on Facebook for a BBQ in a park. A bunch of people showed up to eat chili dogs and drink refreshments, both of which are celebrated things on my birthday. For activities, I brought some stilts I'd made and carried a houseplant around like a baby for Walk on Stilts Day and Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day. I did all this while wearing a new sports jersey for New Jersey Day. I realized later New Jersey Day is actually in recognition of the state of New Jersey. Well, it was my birthday so fuck you, state of New Jersey.

I balanced a chili dog in one hand and a lit sparkler while looking out over the people gathered. I saw their faces through the foliage of my houseplant baby from atop my stilt perch, and I realized I've already lived almost half my life, if I'm lucky. My chili dog meal slipped from my grasp and became a mound of inevitable waste. Just then, my wife asked to try the stilts. I could only manage a few steps at a time, but she strode with grace. Back at home, she surprised me with homemade scotch-liqueur flavoured creme brulee for Scotch Whiskey Day and Creme Brulee Day. She remembered.

Day 5: Get Gnarly Hepatitis Day
In an elevator with a computer expert named Steve Lloyd, I busted out a handstand move with a skateboard, while balancing a Hershey chocolate bar in my free hand. I made sure to wear tie-dye shirt with a big purple heart, both for System Administrator Appreciation Day and Get Gnarly Day. Talk in an Elevator Day limited my mobility on the skateboard, but Milk Chocolate Day celebrations made up for it.

"Cool, Steve," I stumbled. Elevator chats are weird. "Um, did you know the Buffalo Soldiers are an important part of American military history?"

"I did not."

This was the perfect moment to segue into Buffalo Soldiers Day festivities, so I pressed play on my phone to stream in the Bob Marley song written to commemorate the African American regiment. The song wouldn't play. There was no service in the elevator.

Later, I spoke to Dr. Mark Swain calling from the University of Calgary. He said World Hepatitis Day is an important occasion because people don't often think about hepatitis until it affects them or someone they love. "Roughly 250,000 to 400,000 Canadians are infected with hepatitis C, and the majority of those people are not aware of the infection. They have no symptoms." Dr. Mark said the best way to get involved is to get tested if you are at risk for the virus, which is a leading cause of liver cancer. You can find out more here. I ended up donating my veteran employee Jim Lowther's $10 to the cause.

I also made System Admin Steve aware of hepatitis.

Day 6: Lasagna Tiger
My gut was full of chicken-wing-layered lasagna and I was dressed like a pretty tiger. Using the only child sized orange shirt I could find for a my costume with lipstick face paint, I wondered how everyone else around the world was paying tribute to International Tiger Day and Lipstick Day. I spent mine by walking my dog, Abby, near a water park for Rain Day. You see, I was sweltering hot, having just danced with Abby on National Dance Day, and the province had been going experiencing an extremely dry July. I envisioned myself frolicking through the water park to simulate rain, but as I approached, several parents rightfully gave me worried looks. I didn't want to scare the kids with my tiger costume. Again, my wife didn't want to leave the car.

Defeated, we went back home. And then, at 11:32 pm, we heard a gentle pitter patter on the roof. Rain. A downpour opened up on the city. I'd done it. A Rain Day miracle.

Day 7: Whistleblower Cheesecake
This was an easy one: International Day of Friendship and Father-in-Law Day. My father-in-law Mike is one of my best friends! I Skyped Mike while he was away on vacation and made him watch me eat cherry cheesecake garnished with pages from Margaret Atwood's novel A Handmaid's Tale. Cheesecake Day and Paperback Book Day are a perfect pairing.

"What's the last book you read, Mike?"

" The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Wait, are you eating that?"

"Yeah," I said while chewing on Atwood's dystopian masterpiece. "What makes a day worth celebrating?"

"Family."

Jill interjected to complain to her father about the week I'd put her through. She had apparently suffered greatly, tolerating my need to honour the special days of the year. I wanted to object, but how could I on Whistleblowers Day?

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