Hey People, You Should Totally Follow This Advice to Get Laid from Online Dating

According to science*, about 80 percent of millennials are on the toilet at this very moment, furiously swiping right towards a future orgasm.

This is news to exactly no one. A full 90 percent of the considerable number of people I've fucked "dated" in the past three years were mined from the internet, and I don't see how I would possibly have met them otherwise. Like, do people really still get gussied up and step out of doors hoping to rub uglies with an as-yet-undiscovered friend of a friend, or—horror of horrors—a stranger? Why would anyone ever do that when they could lure someone in from home whilst guzzling box wine in their crustiest pajamas?

I'm an expert in online dating. I've picked up a few idiot-proof tricks of the trade from my years of whoredom. I have used them to find not one but two long-term relationships. One is still a sometime-lover of mine and a dear friend. The other is a worthless fucknut, but we did almost get married, so that's something?

Anyway, let's be honest with ourselves. Electronic mating is just online shopping. You've got to know what you're looking for, and you've got to have a strategy. People, I'm here to tell you how to get exactly what you want out of online dating.

Here, I bestow you with the chops, the ropes, the ultimate 411 on a straight path to love, multiple orgasms, a surrogate daddy with a big dick. Or you know, what have you.

K, with this one, you gotta clinch a person real quick. Be raw, be sensual. Definitely pose with your arms folded next to a swanky vehicle of sorts if you can find one. Even if it's clear the vehicle isn't yours. Ambition is hot.

In a similar vein, if you can find a tiger who will consent to posing with you, grab a photo of that and use it as your main image. That will go a long way toward illustrating the raw power of your personal essence. If you're a man living in a rural area, you should take advantage of that by posing with a litany of recently slaughtered animals. Put a moose head in your truck. Smile next to it. Feed some Alpine to a dead fish. Everyone will see that you are both carnal and unafraid.

Then, once you've swiped right and matched with someone, you gotta ignore them. That's the way to appear most bangable.

Once you've used these tactics to coerce charm someone into giving you their number, you've really got to make use of that privilege. Make sure to text them and see what's up, and if they don't respond, know that it definitely has nothing to do with you. Keep chatting to them about your day, and if they don't reply you should FaceTime them, then call. If they don't pick up, leave a voicemail letting them know you'll accompany them to wherever they're going this Saturday night, because you have no plans. Then, text to alert them to the existence of the voicemail. Call again for good measure.

Alright, so you want to start out by making your main shot a photo of you with at least three of your closest friends. People want to see that you got a squad, that you're desired, that you have a crew to choose from should one of you propose a threesome. People really want to wonder which one you are—it's a fun guessing game.

Once you've got that down, the key is to just keep trying. If someone ignores your message, just keep texting "hey what's up" to them relentlessly. Ask how their day was, ask what's new, ask when they're done work or if they're home from vacation. People love being pursued, so show them you want it. Eventually, they will hit you back.

Also, if you're successful in the fuck buddy department, it could be hard to remember basic things like their name, or where they're from. Make a mnemonic device to keep them straight, it works every time usually.

Let it be known. This should be reflected in your primary photo. Either a person in bondage, a woman's ass being spanked, or a shot of your nether regions encased in punishing leather garments. You don't want to lie by omission here, or bother to get to know someone before you share your innermost desires.

Start with something along the lines of "hey beautiful whats (sic) up." This a) lets the person know you find them bangable, and b) puts the onus on them to reciprocate the conversationality. Now, it's on them to amuse you, and you've started the whole thing off with the upper hand, which means you've set yourself up to be in the driver's seat for the entirety of the relationship.

Be sure to ask them a lot of questions about their work, what their average day looks like, and how they organize their fitness regimen before you ever meet. What people are really looking for on dating sites is to be seen. To be heard. To be understood. How can you be soulmates with someone if you don't even know what they tend to have for dinner, or if their job at the bank is rewarding?

When you meet up, be sure to bang on the first date. But just don't bang on the first date, because they might think you're just looking for a casual hookup and never text you again.

Also, if your match is a person of color, be sure to ask them where they come from a lot. If they say somewhere in Canada, really, really press them on it. They want to talk about it, trust me. They want to get in touch with their roots. If you keep at it, eventually they're sure to just admit that, actually, they're FOB from another continent. Relationships are built around honesty, amirite? It should all be put out on the table.

If you want someone to commit to you by law, the first thing on your list is get an iPhone. Green text bubbles are not to be trusted. It either means you think this is 2005 and are one of the last seven people on the planet still using a Blackberry, or you're the kind of person who jerks it to their own commitment to Android. Both disgusting. Invest the $600 for that soothing blue bubble. It will buy you not only dick/pussy/both/other, but true everlasting love.

If you're looking to get married, you obviously need to attract someone who is also voraciously looking to be wed. This person will be the basic of all basics. Here is how to snare yourself a husband: put on lots of glittery, shiny, wet pink lip gloss, purse your lips together, and thrust them out and as far away from your face as humanly possible. Really reach them out there! It reminds men of a vagina. If you're a man looking to get married, you need to include at least one shirtless mirror selfie taken at the gym. There is really no better display of virility. 95 percent of women want babies, and they have to know you have strong genes.

Further, if you are sexually active and living in a city, there is actually only one degree of separation between you and every other passably attractive person out there getting banged. If you're gonna keep up, you're gonna have to fuck like it's your job for a little bit. Plain old missionary sex is not going to cut it for anyone anymore. Your lovers should be able to tell you've been practicing.

And as for platforms: people on Tinder aren't looking to get married, you fucking tool. Tinder is for the first few categories. Try OKCupid or, if you're a freak of the largely undesirable sort, POF.

If you're looking to save yourself for a godly union or something, this entire site just isn't for you and I can't help you.

GTFO online dating sites. You're annoying as fuck and no one likes you so fuck off.

… And there you have it! Swipe right a lot, but never message your matches first. If they message you, make sure they can see you ignore them for a little while before responding. But make sure you don't ignore them, you want them to know you're real, and not afraid to get invested in something. Happy swiping!

*Not scientifically accurate.