Mayor Rob Ford, performance art genius and Canada’s greatest embarrassment since this lady knows a lot of things.
He knows how to drink like a motherfucker, supposedly downing half a 40-ounce bottle of vodka before 9 PM during a legendary bender last St. Patrick’s Day that ended with the 320-pound mayor charging a dance floor with a bellyful of poutine and (allegedly) a nose full of cocaine.
He knows how to eat pussy, at least according to his public pronouncements, although the mayor’s wife has been suspiciously silent on that point since his braggadocios claim in one of the most unbelievably stupid press conferences in Canadian history on Nov. 14.
He knows how to please the people, with an approval rating hovering in the low 40s, and one-third of Toronto still likely to vote for him in the next election, even after months of headlines about the ridiculous shit he’s supposedly been up to while in office. This includes, but is not limited to: using crack cocaine and possibly heroin as well, hiring his buddies to work high-paying jobs on the taxpayers dime, and generally being the hard-partying, female-groping Van Wilder of Toronto City Hall.
But I’ll tell you one thing: Rob Ford does not know shit about football.
No, Canada’s most famous NFL fan might wear his football tie to apologize to the city, but it’s all bullshit. I can prove it. The man-of-the-people shtick is wearing pretty old, Rob, especially when you’re a millionaire who doesn’t know his ass from an endzone.
On Thursday, the former offensive lineman from Scarlett Heights Collegiate Institute (one of the few positions in sports where being an overweight man is actually an advantage) was on 106.7 The Fan in Washington, D.C. to talk about his love of the game, why the Washington Redskins’ racist name isn’t actually racist, and how the fuck he’s still in office when everyone he works with hates him.
“I’m a football fanatic,” the mayor said. “I played years and years of football. I coached for 22 years. I love the game.”
The mayor proudly said he keeps numerous footballs and jerseys from a bunch of teams in his office. Which is weird because he appears to not watch NFL football on TV, which he inadvertently revealed when the braying hosts of The Sports Junkies (fill in your own joke here) asked Ford to make some picks for the NFL games this weekend.
Now, picking a winner in a sports game is inherently difficult. In the NFL, where most teams are evenly balanced because of the salary cap and even a superstar is just one of 22 men on the field, it’s even harder. But a rhesus monkey, even a pretty stupid one, could pick better NFL outcomes this weekend. Let’s break it down.
Pierre Garcon of the Redskins. via Flickr.
Washington Redskins (3-9) over Kansas City Chiefs (9-3)
Let’s start with Rob Ford’s dumbest pick. Even though he was talking to a Washington radio show, Ford picking the Redskins over the Chiefs is lunacy. The Redskins quarterback can barely walk and the rest of the team sucks. The Chiefs are pretty good and they’ve lost as many games as the Redskins have won. Ford also said the Redskins name wasn’t racist, which it totally is.
Stupidity of pick: Adam Sandler in The Waterboy.
The Buffalo Bills at their futile training camp. via Flickr.
Buffalo Bills (4-8) over Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-9)
A team cursed by God, versus a team coached by an asshole that thinks he’s God. This one is actually a pretty close call—but in the end, as everyone knows, God hates Buffalo. Plus, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a super badass pirate ship that fires off cannons when they score.
Stupidity of pick: Adam Sandler in Grown-ups.
Punt on, Andy Lee. via Flickr.
San Francisco 49ers (8-4) over Seattle Seahawks (11-1)
The Seattle Seahawks are by far the best team in the NFL right now, hugely skilled at nearly every position, and are coming off an absolute stomping of the New Orleans Saints on Monday night—in what was supposed to be a close game. Last time the 49ers played the Seahawks, the final score was 29-3 for Seattle. Note: Gamblers in Vegas think this one will be close, so apparently gamblers in Vegas are idiots too.
Stupidity of pick: Adam Sandler in Billy Madison.
The unstoppable Colts at work. via Flickr.
Indianapolis Colts (8-4) over Cincinatti Bengals (8-4)
The Colts have one good player, whereas the Cincinnati Bengals have a ton of awesome players, including coolest-name-in-the-NFL: Vontaze Burfict. What is Rob Ford smoking? Oh right, crack cocaine.
Stupidity of pick: Adam Sandler in Little Nicky
It doesn’t appear that Rob Ford has the football know-how to make even somewhat plausible predictions on NFL games, but to make matters worse for the alleged pigskin die-hard, his football failures extend far beyond the dominion of the NFL. Case in point: the Don Bosco Eagles, the high school football team Rob Ford so proudly coached until he was unceremoniously ejected in the midst of his ongoing crack-fuelled scandal, won their second straight Catholic High School Football Championship last week without the help of coach Robbie. The team lost the Metro Bowl last year under the guidance of ol’ Rob—a game that was, according to the Toronto Star, in “shambles from the start.” Also, check out this list of awful football picks the mayor made in week three, where he went 2/11 against the spread. Nice going, coach.
I’ve been playing and watching football for 20 years and it’s obvious that Rob Ford is not a knowledgeable football fan ain’t one of them. The crack-smoking mayor doesn’t seem to do much at his day job, and he’s obviously not watching football on Sundays, so what exactly does that guy do all day?
Anyway, check back on Monday to see if I look like an asshole if and when any of these ignorant guesses from a football poseur pan out.
Peter Henderson was a member of two championship-winning football teams in high school. One time he scored a safety.