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We Investigated Those Damning Rumours About Fidel Castro Being Justin Trudeau’s Real Dad

An extremely serious VICE report.

Drew Brown

Drew Brown

The same luscious locks... the same steely determination to destroy capitalism... damn...

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau drew worldwide criticism last weekend for his fawning praise of revolutionary strongman Fidel Castro after the former Cuban leader died Friday night. While Castro is admired by many around the world for his ideological commitments to socio-economic equality and anti-imperialism, he is in equal parts reviled for Cuba's dismal human rights record and political repression.

Although Castro is an old family friend of the Trudeaus, it's certainly weird for the leader of a US-aligned liberal democracy like Canada to heap warm praise on the Commandante without also acknowledging the brutality that accompanied his revolutionary regime. Critics were quick to point out that this is irrefutable proof that the prime minister is completely vapid on major issues like international human rights or foreign policy. (Pay no attention to the tributes to the late Saudi King Abdullah behind the curtain).

Clearly, the only things Justin knows about the world he learned from his beatnik father Pierre.

But what if there's more? Because it's 2016, some right-wing internet sleuths have furnished a second explanation as to why Justin would gush with admiration for Fidel: because El Jefe is his real dad.

JT'S Two Dads

The theory is straightforward enough. Pierre Trudeau was cuckolded by Fidel Castro on one of his many trips to Cuba with his wife Margaret, and Justin is one of Castro's many bastards.

As yet, there's no smoking gun proving that Justin Trudeau is the illegitimate lovechild of North America's most successful Communist. Instead, proponents—like The Rebel's Ezra Levant—have trotted out three big pieces of circumstantial evidence.

First: Pierre and Margaret had a famously rocky marriage. She had an affair with US Senator Ted Kennedy and the Trudeaus' marriage ultimately ended amid rumours she was having an affair with Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones.

While they were married, she travelled with Pierre several times to Cuba. Under the Caribbean sun, both were evidently charmed by Fidel, as recounted in John English's Just Watch Me: The Life of Pierre Elliot Trudeau: 1968-2000:

Pictured: a swarthy Latin alpha cuckolding an effete liberal intellectual.

So, based on the above information, we can make the following deduction: Fidel Castro definitely fucked Pierre Trudeau's wife, because come on.

Second: Fidel Castro and Justin Trudeau basically look the same. Behold:

Our prime minister and his alleged actual dad, Comrade Fidel Castro.

You know who else hated wearing a shirt? That's right.

Somebody call Maury and tell him it's a national emergency.

Third, and most damning of all, is Justin Trudeau's obvious contempt for everything that makes Canada great: democracy, capitalism, and white men. Why else would his government promise to reform the electoral system only to back away from it citing their own popularity? Why else would his government use $15 billion of public funding to subsidize "revenue-generating" infrastructure projects while privatizing public facilities like seaports? Why else would this quote-unquote feminist flood the Great White North with dangerously un-Canadian Syrian refugees?

Obviously, it's because the genes of a Communist superman flow through his veins. The chief architect of Cuckada is himself the product of a cucking. The right-wing circlejerk has come full circle.

As you can see, the case is ironclad.

Oh, wait. Justin was born December 25, 1971, nine months after Pierre and Margaret's honeymoon in British Columbia and long before the couple travelled to Cuba. Dang.

I guess you actually can't believe everything that semi-professional agitators post on the internet.

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Editorial note: This story has been updated from an earlier version.