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How to Fight Like a Girl

Our new intern Gabe is apparently a seasoned girl fighter, so she put together this guide for how to fight like a girl.

The author, presumably in some kind of underground fighting dungeon, with a bruised face.

We’ve all seen catfights in movies and television and I think we can all agree that it’s pretty much the best, like when Blair and Serena from Gossip Girl start their own hair pulling and toe stepping action over Yale admissions. Maybe it’s because women are supposed to be so proper and ladylike, but there’s something both mesmerizing and breathtaking watching two girls completely toss aside societal norms and just go for each others throats like wild animals. It’s kind of fucking awesome. Catfights are almost the same in real life as they are on the silver screen. Just with way more average looking people, and it tends to dive into prison rules a lot quicker.

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I’ve been in my fair share of fights and I’ve learned a lot along the way. I grew up with three older brothers so sometimes play time got a little bit rough, also my obsession with Fight Club and Clockwork Orange hasn’t helped to extinguish my bloodlust. Much like Alex I learned that through conditioning I could give up my violent ways. Oh wait, that’s not how that movie ended.

Anyway, I realized I had to stop fighting last year when I woke up extremely hungover and there was blood all over my knuckles, which definitely wasn’t mine and hanging off my big ass ring was a piece of human flesh. I almost threw up all over my bedroom floor. Then I noticed the claw marks on my arms and my knees were scabbing over with day old blood. Although there is probably no better feeling in the world than that adrenaline that takes over your body in the middle of a fight (have you been to Fightland yet?) I don’t condone violence anymore, mostly because it’s pretty stupid. Most of the time, it’s better to just walk away, but every now and then shit happens where you have to defend your honor and the only way that can be done is through a good catfight. Sometimes it’s just completely unavoidable. Like when you find out your boyfriend cheated on you with a mutual friend. Or when someone you thought you could trust steals your rent money. Or, if you're a bit on the crazy side, when someone looks at you the wrong way after you’ve had a few too many drinks.

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So if you do end up finding yourself with no other option, I’ve put together a few things to keep in mind. By the way, this is a guide for girls fighting other girls. If you’re a girl fighting with a guy don't worry. That’s a complete win. Even if he does leave you with a black eye or broken nose, as soon as he throws the first punch whoever witnesses it will come down on him so hard and beat him to a bloody pulp to defend your feminine honor. Fact. However, for better or worse people think two girls fighting is purely vicious entertainment so no one is going to stop the two of you from clawing out each other's eyes, pulling hair, or ramming your pointy stiletto down the other girl's throat. And that's why you need to be prepared.

Bring boxing gloves to the bar if you can. via Flickr.

PRE-FIGHT: PREPARATION
It doesn’t matter if you’re the biggest girly-girl or more on the butch. Chances are you’ll be in at least one fistfight in your life. You might get the shit kicked out of you and that’s a risk you’re going to have to take, but trust me, it’s not as bad as you think. It’s kind of like ripping off a bandage.

I was a mess after the first time I got into a fight. I had a black eye, my eyebrow was split open and I looked terrible. But at least I learned that real life fights aren’t like TV, they’re not a huge deal. Therefore, being prepared is one of the most crucial steps to throwing down with another lady.

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Start with a little bit of practice, I recommend having a few play fights with friends. Try out wrestling and punching in order to familiarize yourself with the painful pressure points. Cover your bases and know your own strengths and weaknesses. For example, one of my weaknesses is my size. I’m only 5’4’’ and 100 lbs which makes it easy for me to be taken down. So instead I use my speed and agility to tucker out my opponent. Footwear is also a very important component to a fight and can be the deciding factor on whether you win or lose. I always wear big chunky sneakers or combat boots depending on the day. This automatically puts me in a better position to win a fight over a girl in heels. That said, if your female adversary takes off her heels and tries to use them as a weapon, grab the pressure point in her wrist, twist, and then disarm her. Or just rip them out of her hand. Whatever you do, get them away from her! Hopefully she won’t be able to find them later and will have to walk home barefoot. Those things are dangerous, and being hit with one feels like you’re being stabbed by a little knife. Which sucks.

See? No outside intervention. via Flickr.

FIRST PUNCH
Never. Ever. EVER throw the first punch. No matter how much you want to, you have to restrain yourself. If they won’t throw the first punch then walk away or call them names until they do. Provoke the beast. As soon as they hit you first, your next shots are just self-defense and you can’t get in too much trouble. Added bonus: if the cops come you can just turn, point your finger at her and say “Well SHE started it!” It will make you sound very mature.

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HAIR PULLING
The most common mistake girls make when fighting another girl is going for an immediate hair grab. Although this is a very painful maneuver, don’t use it right away. If you do it first they’ll be thrashing around a lot, which will force them to grab your hair, and then you’ll be stuck in this awkwardly savage attempt to tear off each other’s scalps. So save this one for when you really need it. The last time I had my hair pulled it fucking hurt. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry just to make it stop.

via Flickr.

ABSOLUTELY NO BITING
This is a pretty ineffective move to use against most girls. They’re not men. Men are big pussies when it comes to biting. Most girls who are actually going to fight, however, are probably into some pretty kinky shit in the bedroom so your bites are likely going to turn her on. Not to mention it’s super unhygienic.

Also, try to avoid getting bitten. It feels oddly hot and painfully tingly. I don’t know if that’s the adrenaline at work, but it doesn’t feel nice.

RINGS ARE YOUR FRIENDS
Bitches love rings. Especially big, chunky, gaudy rings. I know I do. As a girl, you’re definitely not punching as hard as you think you are. So you need all the help you can get if you’re going to scrap, especially if you’re a small girl like me. Think of it as an illegal boxing match where you wrap your gloves with barbed wire to make it fair.

Chances are your opponent will also be wearing rings. Being hit with a ringed fist smarts, but you probably won’t have to worry about that because most girls who are in their first few fights don’t actually use their fists to land a punch. They use the heel of their hand. I never understood that, but it’s simply what I’ve observed over the past few years. So wear rings and you’ll have the upper hand.

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An overly literal diagram. via Flickr. CAT SCRATCHES/SLAPS
I’m a nail biter, so I don’t have nice, long, strong luscious nails. If you do though, use them. Especially if you get them done on a regular basis. Remember in the movie Holes where Warden Walker paints her nails with snake venom and then slaps that douchebag? A good strong slap to the face is badass. I’m not suggesting you put poison on your cuticles for the fight, that’s probably illegal, but it just proves that slaps are handy. Especially if you have claws.

BOOB PUNCH / KNEE TO THE VAGINA
Men have balls, a very open and vulnerable spot to attack. Now you’re probably thinking that girls aren’t as sensitive in their nether regions—and they aren’t—but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when you grab them close range and ram your knee up into their cooter. Also anyone who has been punched in the boob knows how much it fucking hurts when hit with enough force. It’s enough to make a girl’s eyes water up with discomfort and pain. Which leads us to our next rule.

WATERY EYES AND TAKE DOWNS
Take advantage of any moment where your opponent is temporarily blinded by their womanly emotions and/or pain. Grab them by the collarbone and pull. Don’t be afraid to really dig in there with your talons. This is a great pressure point to throw your opponent off guard and it works really well on those skinny, lean girls. This is one of my main moves in a fight. It’s unexpected, and I just have an obsession with collarbones so I like to touch as many as I can. Is that creepy? Yes definitely. But anyway, it’s still a good move in a fight.

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Try and get them down at this point by wrapping your leg behind theirs and pushing them down. Now you can break out the hair pull, because it looks badass when you throw a girl down onto the ground by her head. Watch catfights from the show Mob Wives and pay attention to how Drita D’Avanzo fights . This lady is ruthless and amazing. She is my catfight guru.

A perfect opportunity for ground maneuvers. via Flickr.

ON THE GROUND
You’re familiar with the “Cow Girl” position, right? Do it. Get right on top of her. Try and pin her arms with your knees. From here on out she’s pretty much yours to play with. She’ll be trying to kick and squirm under you, but don’t let up. Start wailing on anything you can land your fists on. Face, boobs, and stomach. Whatever you can hit.

Your fists are going to hurt like hell and you’ll probably be really out of breath. But for the love of god you’re almost there. Stay in the game. From this point out all you need for her to do is submit, or for someone to pull you off her and hide you from the cops, because without a doubt someone has called them.

CHANGE YOUR CLOTHES AND DISAPPEAR
The cops are probably out there looking for you at this point. Even if you don’t know this for sure, it’s better safe than sorry. This is where I would suggest swapping shirts with a friend or borrowing their sweater. Try to get all the blood off you and take alleys and side streets instead of main roads. Put a solid amount of distance between you and the fight. Try to walk into busy places or escape into the transit system. Better yet, if one of your friends has a car, get them to drive you to a safe spot ASAP.

As I said before I do not condone fighting but sometimes you just have to put your fists up. So when that situation arises I hope that this guide boosted your preparation level. I wish you all the best in your fighting adventures and hopefully the blood will be spilled in your favour.

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I Got My Ass Kicked at an Arm Wrestling Competition

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Visit our MMA site Fightland.