A composite sketch of who the Fars News Agency believes is actually running the United States. Image by Matt Smith-Johnson.
Last summer I met Paul Hellyer at his cottage in Muskoka. Mr. Hellyer used to be Canada’s Minister of Defence in the wild and swingin’ sixties, and has since become the world’s foremost advocate for an addictive conspiracy theory that claims the United States is run by a shadow government of alien forces that have been visiting and controlling human society ever since we developed the atomic bomb; because as you should know, all of the cosmos is connected, and horrendously reckless events like blowing up a large portion of Japan affect all of our planetary brethren.
Anyway, news broke earlier this week through the Fars News Agency (an Iranian media outlet that the Washington Post describes as “semi-official”) that Edward Snowden provided documents to Russia’s Federal Security Services (FSB) which provide “’incontrovertible proof’ that an ‘alien/extraterrestrial intelligence agenda’ is driving US domestic and international policy” in a snappy news item titled: “Snowden Documents Proving ‘US-Alien-Hitler’ Link Stun Russia.”
If you’re not familiar with the Fars News Agency, in 2013 they erroneously reported that a 27-year old scientist from Iran had invented a time machine, and in 2012 they mistakenly ran a story from The Onion that satirically claimed most rural Americans would rather vote for Iranian leader Ahmadinejad than Obama. So their record is a tad on the unreliable side. And yet this news item has been picked up by the likes of Foreign Policy, Forbes, the Washington Post, and The Huffington Post UK—according to a Google News search for “Snowden Nazi Aliens.”
Apparently Fars News is getting its information from WhatDoesItMean.com, a crackpot news site that looks like it was designed in the bowels of Geocities headquarters sometime in the late 1990s. A visit to WhatDoesItMean’s homepage on Wednesday morning presented explosive news items like an Obama plot to “destroy” Duck Dynasty, a claim that all Obamacare signup info has been snatched by a Russian hacker, and a supposed warning from Russia that a US-China-Japan Pacific war is weeks away.
Their report about America’s alliance with secretive space aliens, entitled “Snowden Documents Proving “US-Alien-Hitler” Link Stuns Russia” insists that a species of aliens called the Tall Whites—which Paul Hellyer previously detailed for Motherboard during our visit—is secretly running the United States, and that PRISM and other NSA spy tools like it have simply been designed to continue to conceal the extraterrestrial presence on Earth in order to further their goal of enslaving humanity. WhatDoesItMean, and by extension, Fars News Agency in Iran, claims that these Tall Whites previously worked alongside the Nazis to help them build submarines; though as Max Fisher pointed out in the Washington Post, “It does not explain why aliens with access to interstellar travel built subs that were so grossly incapable against the British navy, or why all-powerful extraterrestrials were unable to help the Nazis resist an invasion by Allied forces that are mere cavemen relative to their own technology. So far, these are pretty unimpressive aliens.”
From what I’ve heard about the Tall White conspiracy, they strongly resemble Eastern European models with very light features. One story Paul Hellyer told me described a day in which the Tall Whites left their military stronghold in Nevada to go shopping, undetected, dressed as nuns in Las Vegas. They’re so human-like that, apparently, no one screamed: “Oh my God those are Nazi sympathizing aliens!” while they picked out dresses. Believable, right? I thought so too.
While this is an incredibly entertaining story to follow and report on, it is somewhat concerning that these kinds of conspiracies have legs in one of the world’s most volatile societies that also happens to be aiming to develop a nuclear arsenal. As Michael Peck wrote in Forbes: “This is almost a funny story, until one remembers that Iran is a moderately powerful nation of 76 million people, with a possible nuclear arsenal, relatively large conventional military power, extensive terrorist capabilities through its intelligence agencies and Hezbollah, and a fundamentalist government that could easily engage in hostilities against the U.S.”
Hopefully this Nazi-Alien shadow government conspiracy doesn’t develop into any sort of geopolitical hysteria that can cause severe damage; and I suppose if anything it’s proof of the deep level of paranoia and mistrust many people on this crazy planet have towards the United States. Unfortunately, Paul Hellyer was unavailable to comment in time for this story, but if the former Minister of Defence provides VICE Canada with any further information we’ll be sure to report back.