Hello there, uncorrupted young person.
You’ve discovered this article because you are about to embark on a lifelong relationship with alcohol, which will likely be the longest, most expensive and most complicated relationship of your natural life.
What kind of drinker will you be? Where will you go? What kind of people will you encounter and not remember along the way? Well, this article is here to help make sense of it all and our ace staff developed this definitive list of all of the types of drunkenness in existence that we’re aware of.
It’s probably not wise to see this as a bucket list; rather, perhaps view it as an unhealthy choose-your-own adventure. But, don’t let us limit you: There really are an infinite number of ways to get intoxicated if only you believe in yourself.
If you don’t have much money in the bank, the level you’ll be trying to get to might mean that you don’t even make it to the main event.
Drunk at Work Drunk We definitely wouldn’t know anything about this.
Angry Drunk You probably drank whiskey.
Bar Fight Drunk You were probably Angry Drunk at some point and someone bumped into you at the club/bar/outside and mumbled ‘sorry’ and you said “watch where you are going, buddy” and they said “I’m not your buddy, buddy” and you said “I don’t like your attitude, buddy” and they said “Have another drunk, buddy, really sounds like you need one” and you said “Go fuck yourself bud” and they said “why don’t you go home” and you said “Fuck you and your stupid hat” and they said “what you say” and you got in really close and said “I think your hat is stupid” and they said “Do you want to take this outside” and then you did and got the shit kicked out of you. So now you are drinking away the physical and emotional pain of losing a fight. Way to go.
Your transitions are choppy and terrible, but everyone is hopefully too drunk to notice. You end up playing “God’s Plan” at least five times throughout the night and make a point to turn down the volume so everyone can yell “I only love my bed and my mama, I’m sorry” in unison. An up-and-coming Soundcloud rapper with regrettable face tattoos convinces you to let him plug his USB into your computer. It seems like a good idea at the time, but you wake up the next morning and realize he posted his mixtape on all of your social media feeds. Congratulations. You get to spend your day being hungover and deleting tweets.
It’s Monday and this case of Stella ain’t gonna drink itself.
Mommy needs her juice!
Cracking Open Some Cold Ones with the Boys Drunk
Ahhhhhh yeah, baby. The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
What Am I Doing with My Life Drunk
An all-too-familiar and unfortunately evergreen variety of inebriation for some of us.
Drinking Game Drunk — Winning Edition
How the fuck you and your friend Jim have owned this court of beer pong/beers-bee/quarters is anyone's fucking guess but you're on like your eighth game. You are fucking hammered but just keep winning. The only thing keeping you standing is because you’re a competitive maniac. You’re shit talking super hard and just sucking back booze—this is as close to being god as you will ever get in your sad, miserable drunk life. Your winning streak will end when either you or Jim just drunkenly wander off.
Drinking Game Drunk — Losing Edition
FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING GAMES! WHY DO WE NEED TO PLAY A GAME TO GET DRUNK ANYWAYS! NO JIM, I’M NOT MAD YOU FUCKING DICK, WE WOULD HAVE WON THAT IF YOU HAD ANY GODDAMN SKILL!!!
Wedding Drunk, Guest Edition
This is your best, lowest-commitment scenario where you can pretty much handily take full advantage of the (hopefully) open bar. Nobody will care if you disappear into the night or test out your acrobatic abilities on the dance floor. If you cause injuries and people start asking questions, you can say you’re someone else’s plus one.
Wedding Drunk, Bridal Party Edition
Without fail a member of the bridal party will take the commitment to be The Most Fun One a little too far and become the Drunkest Person at the Wedding. Yes, you’ve paid way too much money thanks to Bride and Groomzillas but don’t fuck up their perfect memories!
Wedding Drunk, Getting Married Edition
Possibly the closest you’ll get to feeling like a drunken king or queen your entire life. After too many speeches praising your ass and toasts supporting the statistically dubious decision you’ve just made, you’ll continue to be fed so many signature cocktails and glasses of sparkling wine that you are inches away from blacking out the entire reception. DO NOT BLACK OUT. The night will end in an attempt at hot drunk wedding night sex but you are both too tired to really put any effort into it and you both pass out. Little do you know this will come to define your sex life for years to come. Years later, you’ll look back on this regretful day and night as a huge waste of money but think, Hey, that was a pretty good drunk.
Happy Hour Drunk
Drink specials are great, but if you’ve found that you are experiencing this type of drunk more than once a week, it might be time to make a conscientious effort to cultivate friendship outside of work. That said, 4pm, when the sun is still up but it’s not too hot is a lovely time for drinking and longingly looking out a window.
You spend the entire ride annoying your driver in the following ways: asking for the aux cord (and for him to “Turn it the fuck up!” when you put on Drake), backseat driving, inquiring about his personal life, discussing politics, and insisting he gives you five stars when you stumble out of his car. You forget to tip.
Ladies’ Wine Night Drunk
Everyone drinks out of their own magnum bottle while you comfort your friend Jessica, who’s crying that her boyfriend cheated on her AGAIN. (You’ve all begged her to dump him for months, and this exact scenario has played out like deja vu at least six times now). You end up watching one of the following: Mean Girls, The Craft, Jawbreaker. You type up a lengthy text message on Jessica’s behalf to dump her boyfriend for her and take thirst trap pics of each other for Instagram. They get back together two days later.
Celebratory drunkenness is some of the best in life. Just try not to think too hard about the student loan burden you’ve accrued over the last few years.
Sports Drunk A: The Arena
You are drinking arena beers which are somehow like 17% alcohol—your friend told you once it was because they don’t clean the lines but he’s usually full of shit. Nevertheless you are thusly slammed as hell off two beers. You are cheering and sharing emotions with 16,000 other drunk people. You will never be this happy again.
Sports Drunk B: The Sports Bar
This is the Epcot version of Sports Drunk A expect you are not happy and the beer isn’t as good.
Sports Drunk C: Tailgating
Strip Club Drunk
You have to buy a drink just to get in, so you might as well keep going. It won’t be long til you’re emptying your chequing account out of the ATM that has a $6 fee and making it rain like you’re in your own rap video. You’ll come to while on stage getting whipped with your own belt by a dancer named “Cookie” and your wallet empty.
Your Sports Team Won the Big Championship
AKA the Boston drunk.
When everyone starts asking who wants to pitch on the dial-a-bottle, you realize you should have just taken that cab home. Always take that cab home.
Wedding Crasher Drunk
You gotta go big or go home for this one. For starters, make sure the wedding is big—you’re not going to be able to blend in at a small wedding. Once you’ve infiltrated the reception, make sure you have a backstory, something that won’t prompt too many questions. Don’t go alone either, make sure you have your own personal Vince Vaughn with you at all times. From there, just make a bee-line for the open bar and go to town.
Election Day Drunk
This is the level of intoxication you achieved when you realized Donald Trump was actually going to be president.
See ‘Election Day Drunk.’
Office Party Drunk
You’re playing with fire. Avoid managers and arch-nemesis coworkers.
This is the most regularly acceptable form of day drunk because, A.) it’s a weekend, calm down and B.) did you fucking see the mimosa special, omg.
Country Bar Drunk
It’s the end of a hard week in the plants and you and your group of friends are headed up to the big city for a hootenanny. So, you get on your best wranglers, belt buckles, and button up flannel shirt and hit up a bar that will be for sure called something like Oil City. You can only drink (bad) whiskey and beer here. If you get a cocktail someone will fight you. You better have caught up on all the moves the the Cotton Eyed Joe line dance because there will be a time when EVERYONE gets up and starts dancing to it. They will be robotic in their line dancing proficiency. You will get some mad side eye when you undoubtedly mistake move No. 7 (clap your hands) for move No. 12 (stomp and turn.) The night will end with one of your boys fighting someone outside of the country bar.
A close relative of Pre-Drink Drunk if only because the drinks here are so fucking expensive ($9 for a bar rail, are you joking?). You’re only getting through this one if you let the finance bros eyeing you and your friends up at the bar buy you shots. You spend the night trying to dance to the DJ’s poor taste in music (a mix of Top 40 and EDM, but at least the sound system is good) and evading non-consensual grinding. Your Instagram story when you replay it in the morning? Regrettable.
House Party Drunk: Hosting Edition
You are hosting a house party. Do you:
- Keep yourself barely buzzing all night because you’re trying to stay on your toes to make sure everyone has a good time.
- Wake up the next day covered in vomit amid the smashed wreckage of your coffee table only to discover that someone stole your priceless collection of racially insensitive misprint stamps.
House Party Drunk: Random’s House Edition
You think it’s cool to spit on the floor in here? I’m just gonna spit on the floor.
Almost guaranteed to end in a blackout and regretful text messages. Bonus points if you wake up to find you messaged more than one ex.
You totally knew you were coming down with something and decided to go out anyway. You wake up the next day with a fever, a sore throat, and a headache regretting everything.
Drunk on Antibiotics
You know you shouldn’t be doing this. But you will probably be fine.
Prescription Medication Interaction Drunk
Also maybe don’t do this.
Social Anxiety Drunk
You started drinking when you got to a networking event because you felt awkward, didn’t know anyone, and thought alcohol would help you loosen up. Now you’re just wasted and gave out all your business cards (you end up noticing one in the trash can in the bathroom later). You end up cornered and listening to some dude on coke talk about his startup for an hour.
Literally the only thing beaches are good for is getting drunk on.
An age-old tradition.
Airplane Drunk: A
The first kind of airplane drunk comes because you’re not a good flyer and you decided to take a sleeping pill but because you’re stuck in a death trap in the sky you can’t sleep so you get a drink. Now you’re fucked and not in a fun way. You’re slurring your words, the person next to you thinks you’re a slob, and you’re like one bad moment away from causing an international incident.
Airplane Drunk: B
Basically a socially acceptable bender that includes more ice-blended fruity beverages than straight-from-the-bottle swigs
A particularly Canadian version of vacation drunk. You get so wasted you think you see Justin Trudeau paddling up to your dock. Then you realize Justin Trudeau actually paddled up to your dock.
One-Night Stand Drunk
Enjoy treading the fine line between “drunk enough to make this seem like a good idea” and “too drunk to fuck.”
You are hammered by nine in the morning. You don’t know where the fuck you put the Sidekicks. This is bad because the only thing you’ve bought for sustenance on this four-day excursion to a lake is 69 beers (nice), a bottle of whiskey, and four packs of Sidekicks. You will die here.
Bush Party Drunk
A time honoured tradition for rural high school kids. You have a special place in the woods just outside of town that you and your friends have taken to calling it “the Box” or something. All week you’ve been hyping up a “Box party” at school and 30 to 40 people showed up. At the centre of the party is undoubtedly a fire being stoked by pallets you stole. You’re standing with your friends chugging a bottle of whiskey and chanting “circle of death, fear no evil.” All around you is chaos and vomit, but you love it. You can see a fight brewing across the fire and go to investigate it. Someone has somehow, someway pulled their truck into the bush so you can listen to some tunes. People are fucking in the trees and think the party can’t see but everyone can. The party will end when your friend Jim puts too many pallets on the fire and you can see the smoke from miles away. The cops, who have nothing better to do, will now come break up the party causing you and your friends to scatter into the woods. Fucking Jim.
Wine Tour Drunk
Not the kind where you sip, swish, and spit. Hope you are good at biking drunk.
Alleyway Beers Drunk
There’s not much better than life than drinking some 40s on the curb during the summer.
Hazards include dehydration and sunstroke, if you can even afford to get to a decent level of intoxication with the inflated prices. Or just be like this guy and bury booze on the festival grounds weeks before. Added benefits include perpetually having to piss in festering porta-potties and losing your spot (and friends) in the crowd.
Drinking Someone Else’s Bottle Service at the Club Drunk
After sneaking into the VIP, you find the richest drunk dude with a booth and who is pouring Grey Goose into Instagram models’ mouths in a thinly veiled sexual metaphor. You line up, open your mouth, and continue to participate in this cycle until you’re so drunk you don’t care how vapid the entire scene is. When you start dancing on a table and screaming, a bouncer picks you up and carries you out of the club. You puke in your Uber on the way home.
God, you’ve been waiting for this concert for soooooo long and it’s finally here. The opening band isn’t that good so you stand near the bar and drink $14 cans of beer. You will soon be drunker than you thought because you and your friends pregamed for this. By the time your band comes on you will have to piss like a thousand racehorses. You can’t hold it anymore and sneak off to the washroom. While you’re urinating you will, without a doubt, miss the band playing your favourite song. Bonus tip: if you’re going to crowd surf, and you’re going to crowd surf, do not dive chest down.
Mid-Concert Meltdown Drunk
You’re guaranteed to hear “Shape of You” by Ed Sheeran a minimum of five times throughout this drinking session. Likely includes too many tequila shots, people talking about having “wanderlust” (whatever the f that is), and making out with a surfer dude.
The first thing you need to know about getting moonshine drunk is that you need to trade something to a farmer or Hutterite colony or something for the moonshine. All real moonshine comes from the barter system. We ain’t talkin’ ‘bout that boutique “moonshine” shit you buy in stores, this is the real deal—prepare yourself. It will taste like you drank kerosene and burn for minutes. You will at one point take off your flannel (you will be wearing flannel) and commit a crime. You will only drink it once and for the rest of your life you will be able to explain away what you did this night by “c’mon, I was drunk on moonshine.” Do. Not. Waste. This. Opportunity.
One of the darkest varieties of intoxication. The peak is when you end up crying in the bathroom while talking about memories of the deceased with someone you just met, bonded in drunken grief.
Molly Water Drunk
The kind of drunk you are when you accidentally drink your friend’s molly water thinking it was just water. It wasn’t, and now you’re sweating, telling everyone you love them, and have to run to the bathroom to puke out the entire contents of your stomach.
Obviously this varies family to family but hopefully yours skews towards rounds of shots as a dinner “warm up” rather than having to share a singular wine bottle for a whole table of twelve. All you have to do is get the uncles on a tear—it helps if they like your boyfriend or there is a sports game on—and the lot of you will be passed out by midnight. Bonus points if you somehow make it to church while blasted.
Hotel Bar Drunk
So this one is a bummer, eh? You’re away from home for work or something else not fun, it you were there for something fun you wouldn’t be drinking in a hotel bar. The drinks are just a little more expensive than they should be but that’s OK because you want to forget you’re in Winnipeg. At one point an older woman or man will try to take you up to their room, you haven’t done anything yet but one of these days…. well, one of these days you probably will. It’s better than being alone in a Winnipeg hotel bar.
If your time visiting your parents’ house is limited to less than two weeks per calendar year, chances are you make a point of catching up with the people who helped you form all the unhealthy habits you took into adulthood. Since you know what kind of shady consequences you’re in for, you all end up focusing your energy on ONE night of brutal face-melting partying. Tendencies to egg each other on into getting blackout shithammered tend to get worse as time passes, as do your inevitable hangovers.
First Date Drunk
This is the kind of drunk you get when you realize your Tinder date’s photos are outdated and he’s a Jordan Peterson supporter. At least he’s eager to pick up the bar tab as a flex to show you how much money he makes. You drunkenly feign a family emergency (something about your sister’s cat) after an hour of listening to him drone on about bourbon and free speech, narrowly avoiding a night of looking at Jon Kay’s tweets.
Got Ripped Last Night and My Body Hurts so Much So I Might As Well Get Drunk Again Tonight Drunk
Also known as the 30-something’s Reprieve or the Reverse Murtaugh.
Hot Tub Drunk
Getting drunk in a hot tub is a special (but actually kind of dangerous) experience that can leave you a unique kind of uncontrollably wasted and dehydrated. Really, you’ve got to try it—but maybe don’t. ALso, beer cans kinda float!
Frat Party Drunk
A type of drunk no one but frat bros themselves should experience more than once in their lives. Flip cup, jungle juice, endless shotgunning of beers, and an inevitable mess of a dancefloor that is essentially barely legal group dry-humping en masse. You get drunk, but hopefully not too drunk, for you must keep your wits about you. A dude rushing the frat starts giving off rapey vibes to you and your friend after someone makes a bet with him that he can’t lock down a threesome tonight. It’s time to get the fuck out of there.
Europe Trip Drunk
You’re in Amsterdam or some such place with the two homies that you trust. You knew these damn dudes since forever. You get the shot glasses lined up, you’re going at the vodka and tequila hard because you think you can take your shit. Only, your friends haven’t been taking fucking shots at all. They’ve taken advantage of your ego. They’ve been pretending the whole time. By the tenth shot, you don’t know what the fuck is happening, but you black out thinking you won something. You wake up, and there’s vomit all over the hotel room, the curtain’s destroyed, the TV is on the ground, your pants is half down. You later find out that it was all shot on video, and you hear some story about how you tried to let loose a number one while laying on your side, eyes closed.You still haven’t seen the video, you still don’t know what happened, you’re still mad that you had to pay extra euros for half destroying a hotel room, and they still promise that the clip will be shown at your wedding. You probably won’t get married.
Four Loko Drunk
Your last memory will be cracking open that second fruit punch Loko. You’ll wake up projectile vomiting in tandem with your friend in a hotel bathroom and lie on the floor naked for many hours before you can overcome the migraine you’ve been afflicted with. You’ll never remember what happened in those hours between.
Baby’s first visit to the stomach pump fairy.
Dorm Room Drunk
Getting drunk in a dorm is an elaborate game to see who will pass out first so you can draw penises on their face in permanent marker. Vodka that comes in a plastic bottle is a requirement.
Hotel Room on a Monday Afternoon Drunk
Tired: Getting drunk on those little expensive bottles in the mini-fridge.
Wired: Bringing your own bottle of cheap whiskey and drinking straight from the bottle.
Just Bought Your First Six-Pack With Your Older Brother’s ID Drunk
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I TOLD YOU IT WOULD WORK!!!!!
Sparked by the trauma of seeing some of your favourite coworkers suddenly laid off without so much as ten minutes to collect their belongings from their desks, you and your colleagues make your way to the nearest bar. There, you drink until everyone gets to the point of crying, hugging, and reminiscing. You feel survivor’s guilt but push forward.
Joke’s on you, boss: I’VE BEEN DRUNK THIS WHOLE TIME. Oh, I see. Yes, it makes sense actually that this is why I’m being let go.
St. Patrick’s Day Drunk
Yes, it’s 11 in the morning. Yes, I am blasting “Come Out Ye Black And Tans.” Yes, I am going to keep drinking green lager and Guinness until I just start punching everything indiscriminately because the only two Irish stereotypes I know to celebrate are getting fucked up and fighting. Fuck you and fuck the Queen of England. Slainte mhath, motherfuckers!!
May 24 Drunk
A type of day drunk in which Canadians acknowledge that they are Commonwealth by getting absolutely sloshed on the Queen’s birthday.
You’re up north at an overpriced Airbnb cottage with your pals, and the property has a few canoes that back out onto a lake. Being on vacation, you proceed to play drinking games the moment you arrive. After a couple of hours, someone decides that it would be a good idea to take those canoes out on the lake. Nobody in your group wears a lifejacket, of course, because only lame people care about safety. You paddle out into the lake with a couple of road beers in tow. You end up tipping over after about 10 minutes, and your immediate concern is losing the beer, not losing your life. While trying to get back on to the canoe, you reevaluate your priorities in life, and head back to the cottage after realizing the error of your ways.
New Year’s Drunk
You went to another New Year’s party on the false belief that this one would be fun. It is not, in the same way that every New Year’s party isn’t fun because the pressure and expectation of fun is so high that it’s impossible to actually enjoy anything. But masking a disappointing reality with artificial joy is literally why booze was invented, so there’s a good chance this will be the most fucked up you’ll be all years.
Found Out I Got Cheated On Drunk
Shit is about to get hella dark. Also see ‘Breakup Drunk.’ Hide your phone.
Solo Meal at a Hotel Restaurant in a Strange City for a Work Conference Drunk
Sometimes the only way to kill all that downtime at an airport Doubletree in the middle of nowhere is to throw back just enough happy hour cocktails to convince yourself you’re in a mumblecore movie about the loneliness of the modern corporate executive.
Sneaking Booze into a Lame Awards Reception with an Overpriced Bar Drunk
We wouldn’t know anything about this either.
Existential Crisis Drunk
AKA any drinking that occurs in and around “milestone” birthdays or when you rewatch The Wire for the seventh time and get way too involved in McNulty’s storyline.
Just Got Out Of Jail Drunk
Hell yeah. We’re getting drunk as fuck and we’re getting donairs tonight. You hear me, Bubbles? We’re getting drunk as fuck tonight. Drunk. As. Fuck.
Public Park Drunk
Since most basement apartments in major cities don’t feature backyard access, this is the next best thing for drinking outside in the summer (and far cheaper than an afternoon on a bar patio). Cons: it might be illegal where you live.
Boat Cruise Drunk
You thought it was a great idea to take a little cruise around the Halifax harbour but joke’s on you, bud. You are trapped on a floating barge with nowhere to go and if you hear one more song with a fiddle so help me god I am jumping into the tampon and poo-filled harbour water and swimming back to shore.
Homemade Raft Drunk
Ok, so this one is rather specific, but if you end up doing it it'll rule. So, to start, you and your friend Evan need to build a 12 X 12 foot raft in your backyard—for extra points you should astroturf it and cut a hole so a cooler can sit in the river to keep the beer cold. From here you need to get a bunch of aluminum boats to haul all your beer and camping gear alongside the raft and then launch that bitch into the North Saskatchewan River. You have brought a beer bong and under every bridge you pass will beer bong—for even more bonus points you will beer bong the amount of beers equal to the number of bridges (eg. one for the first bridge, two for the second bridge, three for the third bridge.) You will sleep on the shores for the next three days. You will be drunk the whole time. You will have brought only two CDs for the trip—John Denver and CCR—but that’s OK because at one point someone will piss on the stereo and it will go into the river. It will be exceedingly dangerous and at times you will be so drunk you fall into the river and have to swim back to the raft. You will have one of the best times of your life on this trip. You will miss your hometown friends while you write this post.
Underage and Stole Your Parents’ Alcohol Drunk
You’re totally brilliant for refilling the half bottle of liquor you took with water—they’ll never notice! Except, later, after you get too wasted at a high school house party, your one responsible friend brings you home and your mom ends up holding back your hair while you puke and she cries while wondering where she went wrong with raising you.
Friend’s Birthday Party Drunk
Why do they always want to go to some shitty, expensive club? Obligatory: show up, spend hella cash on getting them fucked up, and participate in an embarrassing Instagram story. Please see “Afterparty Drunk” to find out how you’ll end your night/morning.
THIS NIGHT IS ABOUT ME!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW DID I GET SO MANY SHOTS IN FRONT OF ME!!!!???!!!! OHHHH MY GOD!!! FUCK YOU, JIM!!! NO FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK YOU!!!! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, I’M NOT GOING HOME EARLY!!!!! JIM, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, STOP!!! OK, FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE I WILL GO HOME!!! NOT BECAUSE OF YOU, JIM, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO!!!!!
Jim and you will never be as good of friends again.
Real Dive Bar Drunk
Well a person can work up a mean mean thirst
After a hard day of nothin' much at all
Summer's passed, it's too late to cut the grass
There ain't much to rake anyway in the fall
And sometimes I just ain't in the mood
To take my place in back with the loudmouths
You're like a picture on the fridge that's never stocked with food
I used to live at home, now I stay at the house
And everybody wants to be special here
They call your name out loud and clear
Here comes a regular
Call out your name
Here comes a regular
Am I the only one here today?
Well a drinkin' buddy that's bound to another town
Once the police made you go away
And even if you're in the arms of someone's baby now
I'll take a great big whiskey to ya anyway
Everybody wants to be someone's here
Someone's gonna show up, never fear
'Cause here comes a regular
Call out your name
Yes here comes a regular
Am I the only one who feels ashamed?
Kneeling alongside old Sad Eyes
He says opportunity knocks once then the door slams shut
All I know is I'm sick of everything that my money can buy
A fool who wastes his life, God rest his guts
First the lights, then the collar goes up, and the wind begins to blow
Turn your back on a pay-you-back, last call
First the glass, then the leaves that pass, then comes the snow
Ain't much to rake anyway in the fall
Bachelorette Party Drunk
A precursor to the bridal party variety of Wedding Drunk. The only difference is that you drink beverages out of penis straws, are forced to wear embarrassing crowns and pins that say “Bride Crew,” and end up holding the bride-to-be’s hair back while she pukes her guts out and cries, mumbling through sobs about how she isn’t sure she is ready to get married.
Bachelor Party Drunk
You’ve put on your finest chambray and vintage tie and you are off to the vineyard and seven-course tasting from a local chef who tells you the name of each farmer who helped bring this meal to your plate. You and your three friends talk about your hopes and fears about marriage and about how lovely Jessica is and how her mother-in-law will make such a wonderful grandmother. You all hug and bask in your emotional intelligence and your long, loving friendship among your guy friends.
Or: you’ve gotten crushed on a bus to Buffalo and got kicked out of a Bisons game and are we gonna spend a few hours asking around for cocaine? Yes, I guess we are.
Literary Wannabe Drunk
You are not [pick one: Hemingway, Dorothy Parker, Hunter S. Thompson, Bukowski] and no amount of day drinking will change that fact.
A close relative of “Hot Tub Drunk”: When it’s -10 and snowing outside and you’re drinking scotch in a hot tub after skiing, the water somehow massively increases one’s intoxication. I don’t quite understand the science behind this, but it definitely leads to a unique, bourgeois, chalet-style hangover and cigarette butts floating in the pool the next morning.
Working Up the Nerve to Sing ________ at Karaoke Drunk
“Life on Mars”
“I Believe in a Thing Called Love”
“I would do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do that)”
Not applicable (or shouldn’t be) if you’re the one driving. You drink so much tequila you think you’re Lana Del Rey in the music video for “Ride.” If you are a passenger and having some beers (WHICH WE DO NOT RECOMMEND) you must call your drinks “road pops.”
Mario Kart Drinking Game Drunk
The rules? You’ve got three laps to crush an entire brewski before crossing the finish line. There’s a catch though: no drinking and driving, meaning that you have to pull over to the side of the (rainbow) road in order to even take a sip. Commonly played as a pre-drink party game—or simply whenever you have equally nerdy/stupid friends around—this game will get you wasted faster than you can say Moo Moo Farm.
Pool Party Drunk
Wow, you did it! You finally made friends with someone rich enough to have an in-ground pool! You show up already half in the bag (see: Pre-Drink Drunk) to feel better about being half-naked and out-of-shape around a bunch of unfriendly hotties. You try to do a flip into the pool but end up belly-flopping and splashing the one girl you were trying to impress.
Arbor Day Drunk
Oh shit, it’s Arbor Day! Time to get fucked up, amiright?
You Just Moved Across the Country Drunk
So, you just moved across a country with your cat and you know no one in this fucking city. You’re not upacked because you’re exhausted but you’ve picked up a bottle of whiskey to celebrate the end of the painful journey. You throw on “Rumours” by Fleetwood Mac to cut the painful fact that you know you’re not going to see your friends and family for quite some time. From here it will go one of two ways: you will start out drinking homesick and toasting your old friends which will then build to you drinking to your new adventure or you will start out drinking to your new adventure and build till you’re a blubbering pile of drunk on the floor as the feeling built into a homesickness so large it is essentially all-consuming. Choose wisely.
Baseball Game Drunk
It’s the top of the fourth and you just remembered that baseball is objectively the most boring sport. Hark! A young lad with a gnarly sunburn and calf tattoo approaches bearing alcoholic beverages. “Beer here!”, his angelic voice cries. You raise a twenty dollar bill in the air and scream “Shut up and take my money!” à la Fry from that Futurama meme. Rinse and repeat, you are now baseball drunk.
“YOU SUCK, JETER!”
Look at yourself. You’re wearing lederhosen like an asshole in some dank rec center in Kitchener, Ontario. How did it come to this? Someone slides a ski in your direction—like, an actual fucking ski—with a shot of Jäger balanced on it. Eight “shotskis” later and you suddenly find yourself making out with a stranger on a party bus while everyone else is singing Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire”—a decidedly not German song. The fuck.
Listening to The National Alone on a Rainy Saturday Night Drunk
This seems suspiciously specific, Chris Bilton.
Empty Stomach Drunk
Skipping dinner sounded like a good idea until you wake up the next morning puking up bile and wondering where your phone is, where you are, and what in the actual fuck happened last night. Bonus: can easily be combined with most drunk genres on this list.
Writing This Article Drunk (AKA meta-drunk)
Fuck! Josh keeps messaging me about this garbage piece. OK. Whatever. Alright whiskey, work your magic and let’s write some goddamn content. Haha, yeah, dorm room drunk, I can do that one. Or can I? Seems like at best all I can do is recall my own particular experiences getting dorm room drunk—those idyllic nights at the close of adolescence, away from home for the first time, drinking deep an overwhelming array of new experiences with new people, the first great fruiting time of the human being, deep draws from shitty beer under the fluorescent lights in a circle of friends all reinventing ourselves for one another.
But those experiences were so long ago, and I now remember the mid-aughts distantly through the misty accretion of memory. Was it really like that? Is it like that now? Or am I dreaming of a world long dead among the dozen years that intervened? I can no longer tell; perhaps it was always impossible to know, a limit of the flesh. Or is that limit actually a condition of possibility for that which we call humanity itself? Hmm.
Man, I love this job.