Life Advice From the Older Wreckheads of Glastonbury
Credit: Chris Bethell

Life Advice From the Older Wreckheads of Glastonbury

How do you look so healthy, old and wise, stranger?
June 23, 2017, 1:47pm

Being young and fucked up is a privilege. The bad decisions of the night, the terminal lull of the following morning, the nauseating scent of a nameless fuck—they bounce off the young body, almost acting as fuel for the future before disappearing into the ether. As the years pass however, hedonism leaves its indelible mark on the body. Lungs wheeze, livers moan, foreheads resemble the sporadic etchings of a primary school child and their first meeting with clay.

Perhaps the Faustian trade-off doesn't affect all people, though. There are certainly some wreckheads for whom happiness shines from their face like sunbeams in a happy-go lucky movie script. Maybe they can teach us something? So, without further ado, here are some we found at Glastonbury, completely off their tits, willing to dispense life advice to the young and needy:

Bobby, 67, and Graham, 65

Noisey: How do we, as 'young people', get to your age and keep partying without losing our souls? What's your secret?
Graham: Probably that I didn't do too much partying at your age.

Bobby: Well, I did.

What did you do?
Bobby: Well, Glastonbury in the 1980s. A lot of festivals.

Wow. What's your best memory from that time?

[Laughs again with a distant look on face]

Bobby: What website is this going on again? How public is this going to be? I don't think I could answer that, there's been too many. From each festival there's always been one sweet spot where you think 'It doesn't get any better than this'. It's a moment where you feel completely happy where you are.

Adrienne, 62, and Dave, 64

Noisey: How do you do it, guys? How do I grow old like you?
Adrienne: Coming to festivals. I've been coming here since 1993.

Dave: The secret is if you come every year for twenty years like we do, then you start getting good at it.

Okay, tell me the tricks.
Dave: Well, that was pretty flippant to be honest. But here are my tips: it's a massive place so get yourself established and orientated before getting fucked. Know exactly where your tent is by triangulating. It is really important, as you can see. It's very easy to lose your tent. And pace yourself—especially with it starting on Wednesday. When I first came in '87 people were coming in on Friday and leaving on Sunday. It was a three-day mash-up, really. But Wednesday to Sunday is a more longer time.

Was it more intense back then?
Dave: No, it wasn't the same sort of vibe. If you wanted to hear dance music, there was only one tent. But what you did have were these little stalls—legal highs, oxygen—and they would all have their own sound–system which would go on all night. So you would go party outside of the shop.

Are you guys coming here to get fucked up?
Adrienne: Yeah.

Dave: Umm.

I liked how your wife replied straight away but you weren't sure.
Dave: Not 24/7.

But responsibly?
Dave: Not responsibly. But not 24/7.

Heather, 57, and Sarah, 52

Noisey: Babes! How did you become so lush?
Heather: Woooo!

Sarah: We have a healthy lifestyle.

Heather: She says, with a can of cider in her hand.

Sarah: Well, we do. We do a lot of exercise, eat a lot of healthy food.

Heather: We do competition Fitbit.

So is that what you're doing here then, Fitbit, not getting fucked up?
Sarah: Noooooo, we like a drink and stuff like that. I've also got me yoga mat.

You're going to do that every morning at the festival? What time are you staying out until?Sarah: Maybe not every morning! We're normally out and about until 2 AM. Then we'll get up the next morning and do it all again, aye.

Robert, 55

Noisey: My friend, give me some fatherly advice on how to grow old with grace.
Robert: Relax! Enjoy the music, have a few drinks.

Big man. Is this your first Glastonbury?
Fourth, fifth. We don't count really. But maybe that's the good thing about it—we don't count the Glastonburys. We just go. We do the muddy ones, the sunny ones. Last year was really good.

So that's literally it—the big secret—is to relax?
Yeah. Forget about everything else.

Derek, 54, and Karen, 52

Derek, 54; Karen, 52

Noisey: Hi guys, how do you look so good?
Karen: Sex.

You can find Ryan on Twitter.

(All photos except header image by Jake Lewis)