People, I'm not here to brew up any cockamamie conspiracy theories. I'm just here to lay down some facts that fit very neatly into each other: Derrick Rose has been on the court playing at the same time a surprising number of NBA leg injuries have occurred, and he's clearly a witch. Those are just the facts.
Monday night, the basketball world bore witness to yet another wince-inducing leg injury, as Caris LeVert suffered a heinous ankle break. In the second quarter, the Brooklyn Nets guard went up to block Minnesota Timberwolves guard Josh Okogie's shot and came down on his right leg—hard. I had been trying to avoid it all night, but I took a look for your sake, dear reader, and I can confirm: the video is tough to watch.
LeVert—who was having a breakout third season with the Nets, his two game-winners headlining a season average of 18-plus points, 4.2 rebounds, and 3.7 assists per game—was taken to a local hospital, and it's safe to say he'll be out for a while.
Though early prognoses indicate that LeVert may have gotten (relatively) lucky:
Yet behind LeVert's gruesome scene lies an ominous figure who plays for the opposite team. Sure, he wasn't *immediately* involved in the specific play that watched LeVert go down, but there's something suspicious afoot. Because Derrick Rose just so happened to be on hand for three of the most recent gruesome basketball injuries.
Don't take my word for it:
Exhibit 1: Derrick Rose was on hand for Paul George's wretched team USA leg injury from the 2014 offseason, which is also pretty hard to watch in case you hadn't seen it the first time. Sure, you could say that Rose was on the same team as George at the time—USA Blue—but note that Rose was on the Bulls, Eastern Conference rivals to George's Pacers. Just saying.
Exhibit 2: Rose was also there for the notorious 2017 Gordon Hayward injury (you thought this would be easy to watch this time around?!). Note how it was the year that Rose's Cavs had to claw their way up through the Eastern Conference playoffs after finishing the season at No. 4 to Boston's No. 2. The Cavs barely squeaked out a 4-3 series victory against a very strong Celtics in the conference finals, which was maybe aided by Hayward's absence? I dunno, Derrick, why don't you tell me?
Exhibit 3: Last night.
Sure, Rose has had a few injuries of his own, missing his 2012-13 season due to a torn ACL, only to be out for the rest of the 2013-14 season after a November injury, and not to mention his veritable plague of knee injuries ever since. But who's to say that wasn't just a rival witch putting counter-curses on Derrick?
Anyway, the journalistic/political climate is too thick with smog to make any definitive claims that Derrick Rose touched a haunted spoon when he was six and then became a basketball witch who uses his evil powers to take out his opponents from several feet away. But let's just let the facts speak for themselves.
This article originally appeared on VICE Sports US.