Screenshot of Google.

We Answered Canada’s Most Googled Questions Of 2018

Once again we’re here to answer the questions Canadians are asking. You’re welcome, idiots.

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Dec 21 2018, 1:00pm

Screenshot of Google.

We Canadians are an inquisitive bunch and we tend to go to the internet with our questions.

Like almost every other country in the world, Google ranks number one in terms of traffic in the Great White North—thanks in no small part to our questions. Thankfully—because we live in a dystopia—Google chronicles our questions and releases them in a fun end-of-year list (yay!). In this year-end release, we learn that the number one recipe Canadians looked for this year was scalloped potatoes, our number one searched show was Altered Carbon, and our most googled film Black Panther.

On top of knowing we were really into the World Cup this year, we also know what our most googled questions were. So. in what’s becoming a yearly tradition around here, I decided to take it upon myself and answer all the questions Canadians were asking. So, without further ado, here is what Canada was wondering about this year—the questions are in no real particular order.

Why do Greeks break plates?
This was one of the odd ones on the list. I looked and honestly couldn’t really figure out why this question blew up. Was there like some sort of mass plate breaking in Saskatoon or some shit? Did Greeks breaking plates play an important plot point in some sort of movie or something? If you know, holla at yo boi, plz.

1545244995137-2018-why

Anyhoo, according to the Telegraph, the smashing of plates may have started centuries ago as a way to ward off spirits. It’s since been connected the Greek notion of Kefi—just being super fucking stoked—so it’s how they celebrate good times. In modern times, Greek culture has become pretty much synonymous with (the intentional) smashing of plates. Next time you’re at a restaurant and you a hear a plate smash just listen hard for that soft ”Opaaaa” that is guaranteed to follow it.

How many ends in curling?
Ahhhhh, there it is—the one question a year that comes up which would only be asked by Canadians. A question that’s so hyper-local to the Great White North it ain’t showing up anywhere else—ie. two years ago one was “What does Wheat Kings mean?”

This one is pretty easy to answer, it’s eight ends which equals out into the exact time it takes to drink approximately 13 Alberta whiskey and gingers.

Why is Russia Banned from Winter Olympics 2018?
Short answer: the Russians like to win.
Longer answer: the Russians like to use PEDs to win.

Why did Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell break up?
I don’t know who those people are and I refuse to learn.

Why is 6ix9ine going to jail?
Uhhh… this is going to be a hard one to sum up. OK, so the rapper was arrested in November and was handed a myriad of racketeering and firearms charges. These charges are related to an armed robbery, a possible murder plan, and gang activity. For all of these, he’s facing a life sentence which is, you know, a pretty long time.

Fun fact, there were actually two separate spikes in searching for this story because 6ix9ine was arrested for choking a teenager in July. His entourage is pretty much always doing illegal shit and there is the time in 2015 when he pleads guilty to “use of a child in a sexual performance” and still faces legal trouble as a result of that.

If you want more on this, our kind friends over at Noisey, got you.

How to buy Ripple in Canada?
At first, I was like, what the fuck is Ripple? Then I learned it was a cryptocurrency-like thing and decided to go the only person in our office who would know anything about it, Jordan Pearson of Motherboard. Here is how our conversation on Slack went:

macklamoureux[3:20 PM]
Jordan, what is Ripple?

bigcrapjeans [Jordan] [3:20 PM]
depending on who you ask i guess
its either a token
a startup
a protocol
the idea is that they have a protocol for interbank transfers mediated by this token XRP

macklamoureux [3:21 PM]

And how would you "buy ripple in Canada"?

bigcrapjeans [3:21 PM]
mack
dont buy ripple

[Jordan would like to add that this is not “investment advice”]

How to delete Facebook?
Bless you, Canadians who googled this and actually unplugged from that toxic fucking site. OK, so to delete it you can click this link here and it’s pretty straightforward from there.

Godspeed.

Why was Roseanne cancelled?
Roseanne Barr essentially called a black woman a monkey which is something you shouldn’t do because it’s racist.

Why is Canada Post on strike? (number one why question)
Ugh, there is always one of these on the list—a question that’s actually important and I should actually spend some time researching. Essentially the postal workers union could not reach a deal with Canada Post. One of the big things at the heart of the deal was a discrepancy between how rural and urban Canada Post workers are paid. Urban workers got an hourly wage whereas rural workers were paid by the size of the route which often times was less than what an urban postal worker would make for an equivalent amount of work. When the workers and the crown corporation couldn’t agree on a deal, the workers went on rotating strikes on October 22.

This strike led to an almost historic level of backlog regarding packages. Facing pressure, the feds signed back-to-work legislation in late November—essentially stripping postal workers of their right to strike. Fun stuff.

Why do dogs eat poop?
If you have a dog you might have noticed that it likes to eat the poo-poo. It’s not super common but not super rare—found in about 16 percent of dogs. It even has its own name coprophagy—which actually translates to “feces-eating”—and is seen in more than just dogs.

Thankfully some scientists took the time to look into this and discovered that we don’t really know (boooo!!!) The scientists did hypothesize that it’s because they can extract extra nutrients from their diet by eating shit or that it might be a holdover from the dogs’ once-mighty days as wolves.

How to buy bitcoin in Canada?
Here’s a pretty good guide but uhhhh… you might want to hold off on that, champ.

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Why was Meek Mill in prison?
This will be a hard one, to sum up in a short pithy paragraph or two so I would suggest reading some terrific reporting on the subject. If you don’t have time for that, here’s my best brief summation. Meek Mill was arrested in 2007 on drug charges and given eight years of probation. Meek Mill did his best to abide by the tough probation rules and was able to get through the years without too many violations. However, after making two minor violations he was sentenced to two to four years in November of 2017—he was finally released in April of 2018 after an appeal to overturn is original sentence was finally accepted.

What actually happened was far more nuanced than I can get into here but know that Mill’s story exemplifies just how broken the United States justice system was.

How many medals does Canada have?
I assume this was in regards to the Winter Olympics. At the PyeongChang Olympics, we won 29 medals: 11 gold, 8 silver, 10 bronze. We done good, folks.

Why aren’t there any NHL players in the Winter Olympics?
Because the NHL can’t ever let its fans experience happiness because the only thing keeping Gary Bettman from continuing to shrink into a hob-goblin like a creature is the collective anguish of hockey fans.

Why is 4/20 Weed Day?
Ahhh, 420, April 20th… National Blaze It, Fam day. We actually know why it’s this day but it’s probably not what your stoner friend tells you—that’s it’s Adolf’s birthday or it’s the copper code for weed or some shit—don’t listen to your friend, he’s dumb. Actually, it’s because of a group of San Francisco friends in 1971 who liked the bud and used it as a code word for smoking weed—referring to the time they were going to meet. From this code word it mainstreamed and soon the number was a date, April 20. The whole story is very charming and you can read it here.

How old is Dolly Parton?
This one actually scared me, as I honestly thought Parton may have just croaked and I straight up missed it. She didn’t and I don’t want to know why you all were googling her age—nothing good can come from that for me.

Anyways she’s 72.

How old is Prince Harry? (number one how question)
He’s 34. Is this really the question you want to ask the machine that features all the knowledge in the world? Really?

How old is Megan Markle?
Jesus Christ, you guys. She’s fucking 37 years old. Why do you care about this?

How old is Justin Timberlake?
You know what… fuck this shit. I didn’t go to (a second rate) fucking university to sit here and write about how old JT is.

Just use Google, you idiots.

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