Pettiness exists in all of us—even the most restrained and conservative of people have some part of their soul that screams, "Tell that barista to fuck themselves for giving you two percent instead of one percent milk." But today, ladies and gentlemen, we have a video that may top them all: and it comes from the centre of the world, Toronto.
In a clip posted to YouTube (and now widely shared on social media), an unidentified woman is shown sitting on an unidentified man's feet inside a Toronto subway car. The reason? Because the man, in violation of the Toronto Transit Commission's (TTC) own regulations on foot-resting, refused to move his feet when the woman asked to sit down.
Of course, aside from the fact that sitting your weight on somebody is literally never the appropriate response to being mildly upset about something, the real kicker here is that the video appears to show all of this happening on a relatively-empty subway car—with both the seats beside and in front of the foot-rest bandit being vacant.
But wait, there's more: the real icing on the cake is when the woman even says to him that she purposely left her seat to teach him "social rules." (Yes, this is the biggest, "Let me speak to your manager" moment in Canadian history.) This is where the real argument begins.
"Can you get off me please?" the man asks, only beginning to shake with the slightest bit of anger and disbelief.
"No, I can't," the woman replies—calm, collected, and ready to teach this random person who she'll never see again an important lesson.
This is where things get heated: the man tells the woman to "get her fat-self" off of him, and she fires back that, based on her own perception of the man's weight, he is fat, too. He agrees and jiggles his body, and she slyly delivers another jab.
"Well, I guess we're equal then," she says with a chilling tone.
After some argument about who "owns the subway" (no one person, obviously, but this video isn't relying on common sense anyway), and after the man asks if there's "a rule that says I can't put my foot on the seat" (again, there is), the man loses his temper and pushes the woman off of him with his legs. Stunned, the woman, begins to back away, and the video rolls on.
"Wow," the woman gasps, almost leading the audience to believe they're in for a moment of silence before the man angrily goes on a full tirade.
"I shouldn't have to touch a woman, but you put yourself on me, I have [every] right to push you off me!"
The woman then says that she was "just trying to explain" some social etiquette to the youngster, which then causes the man to yell, "Shut up," a number of times before clap-yelling, like a real-life Twitter argument, "I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE."
At this point, if you're still watching the video, your anxiety is probably through the roof (how the cameraperson kept this vertically-shot video so steady is beyond me). Online, people have been starkly divided: some pointed out that the man was clearly in violation of TTC rules and deserved to be taught a lesson, while others argued that the woman crossed the line by physically putting herself on him.
To be fair, the TTC is prone to driving people bonkers.
Follow Jake on Twitter.