Official White House Photo by Pete Souza via the White House Flickr
This election season has been crazy and fraught with controversy, so it's easy to lose sight of a few simple truths: Namely, Barack Obama is by far the coolest president we ever have had and probably the coolest president we ever will have in our lifetime. No debate. The man pals around with Kendrick Lamar. He drops Jeezy references in his speeches. And he puts out fire summer playlists because he understands that the pursuit of happiness is more enjoyable when you have music that makes you happy. He has, in his words, "been waiting to drop" this summer's playlist, and here it is:
A few things obviously stand out right away about this playlist. The first is that President Obama is #JidennaHive, second is that he included Chance the Rapper's "Acid Rain," which is cool as hell because DUDE IMAGINE OBAMA TRIPPING ON ACID, and third is that there is a nighttime playlist. Which means, of course, exactly what you think it means: It's time to grab that special someone and head straight to your own situation room. It's time to call a special session of congress. It's time for a presidential de-briefing.
So what is on Obama's playlist that guarantees a one-way ticket on Air Force Bone? Let's break it down to figure out just how much to budget for the Department of D-fense. First up...
President Obama's Summer Playlist 2016: Songs for the Daytime
If I had to characterize this playlist in one word, it would be: smooth. This playlist is what I imagine the inside of Obama's head sounds like all the time: calm, baby. Easy-going. Refreshingly chill despite spending his days listening to thinly veiled racists—sorry, "conservative standard-bearers"—lecture him with proposals that would drive the US economy into a total nosedive. This playlist is like a cool drink of water on a hot summer's day, which is, incidentally, the kind of line you might find yourself using on your special someone by the end of it. It includes Manu Chao's "Me Gustas Tu," for Christ's sake—a reminder that in Obama's America, the only official language is the language of love.
Let's consider some highlights: Namely, "Classic Man." Is there any man more classic than Barack Obama? That man is as classic as the Constitution, which of course he is sworn to uphold. He is as classic as the Declaration of Independence, which of course itself upholds a treasure map that leads to the secret hideout of the Founding Fathers, which is actually just a room full of rare brandies and leather-bound books and is—you guessed it—extremely classic.
Also classic? The image of Obama sitting in the Oval Office rapping "I went from pauper to the president / because every deal I ever made said president" along with Jay Z—while Biden sings the Pharrell parts about having a threesome with twins obviously. Biden's always calling it the Oval Orifice and elbowing Secret Service agents in the ribs asking them if they get it, which is just awkward for everyone. But that doesn't mean that this playlist won't get you feeling some "good vibrations" (like the Beach Boys song "Good Vibrations," which is on the playlist).
Play this mix all day and you'll be in a jovial mood. Which is convenient because when nighttime comes, well, then it's time to dim the lights, light some candles, and get ready to filibuster all night long with...
President Obama's Summer Playlist 2016: Songs for the Nighttime
Oh man, shut down the government! This stuff is good. If you thought Obama's daytime playlist was smooth, wait until you get a load of this Chrisette Michele song that opens this one up. Wait until that Aaron Neville hits. Wait until D'Angelo comes on. And that Tower of Power song? Caetano Veloso?
Yes, it's confirmed: You're headed to the Lincoln Bedroom, with a quick detour through the Roose-felt-up Room. Hop in a motorcade and make a beeline for 1600 Peensylvania Avenue. Get a one-way ticket on Air Force Bone. You're the Secretary of Health and Human Services now, and there's only one Human Service being asked of you. You are the Cummander in Chief, the head of the Sexecutive Branch, with the nuclear codes to your partner's pleasure at your fingertips. You are done showing any federal reserve: tonight you're embracing central boinking. To quote Method Man, which Obama clearly wants to, there is only one acceptable diplomatic course of action: "We can make war or make babies."
Which will you choose? Pick up that red phone and see if your lover feels like a little Netflix and C(apitol )Hill. Form that congressional inappropriations committee you always hoped to form. You're about to (four) score (and seven years ago). For all the sex that is about to happen...
Kyle Kramer is trying out pickup lines at the Lincoln Memorial. Follow him on Twitter.