Over the past few days the Canadian media has become very excited about a monkey in a fancy coat named Darwin, who walked through an Ikea parking lot. This media shockwave has turned one coat-wearing monkey into a global fascination. Since his jaunt from one end of a furniture store parking lot to the other, Darwin has been sent to an animal sanctuary against his will by the powers that be. We've been following the story very closely, and now we can finally reveal that VICE was granted an exclusive interview with Darwin himself. We met with him in secret, when he was able to break away from his daily routine at the sanctuary, in an undisclosed location along the perimeter of the sanctuary itself.
VICE: Thank you for meeting with us Darwin. You must be under a lot of stress... Let's begin with your origin story. Where did you come from?
I come from the outer dimensions and my goal is to push the human race onto a path of total destruction. I am the sign of end times, and everything unholy. My real name is: Pestilence! But, I'm from Montreal originally. I'm apparently classified as a "rhesus monkey" but I don't see it that way. I don't see colour or species or age. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still just your average, everyday, regular cliche dude from Montreal. I like poutine, boomerang competitions, and smoking.Speaking of which, do you mind if I smoke?
Sure, let me get the window.
What, you don't think I can open a window? I can open a window. Give me three windows… give me three different types of windows; bay windows, sliding windows, power windows. Hell, give me fourteen windows. I'll open them all.
I wasn't saying that you couldn't...
I can open a window. Hell, I can open a god damned car door.
Right, sorry. So, I noticed you weren't wearing your coat when you came into talk to us... Do you still have it?
Unfortunately, I was forced to give it back to my lady friend after I was arrested for walking through a parking lot. Since when is that illegal?
Wait, who's your lady friend?
She's a real-estate lawyer.
How's the sex?
It wasn't about the sex. It was more about the simple things with us. It was about spending time with one another. We would brush our teeth together, she'd change my diaper...
You wear diapers?
Yes, everybody wears diapers.
I don't wear diapers.
Do you wear underwear?
Underwear is a form of diaper. Sure your diaper, or "underwear" is less absorbent than mine, but you still choose whether or not you should defecate in it. My diaper is just a safer and more absorbent choice. I take a lot of precautions in my life: I eat right, I brush my teeth, I wear bright costumes when I go out trick or treating so I don't get run over, and because I smoke I buy fire retardant furniture.
Is that why you were in Ikea?
I was in Ikea because I got tired of waiting in the car for my lady friend. She said she would be right back, but I caught a mean craving for an Ikea frozen yogurt cone.
People were saying you were panicked and seemed agitated in the parking lot.
Of course I was. Have you seen the size of an Ikea parking lot!? There's two floors to the thing and it's all ordered by a color code.
And since you can't see colors...
Exactly! I was panicked because I forgot where I parked the god damned car. I had zero reference. Every pillar looks the same to me. Then people started filming me. I thought, "Great, now I'm going to be plastered all over YouTube or Instagram as 'the forgetful monkey who lost his car.'" I don't understand where people get off filming me without my consent and then posting it on the internet. I don't need someone from Busted Mouth, Saskatchewan knowing what I'm up to.
I think this all comes back to your coat. That's why people seem to care so much. What can you tell us about that particular garment?
It was a shearling coat. A faux one. I couldn't hurt an animal. Bugs on the other hand... I eat those constantly. I've already scoped out this room we're in for cobwebs, but there's nothing. At my lady friend's house, I would eat all her spiders, and fuzzy legged centipedes. She loved me and I loved her. We had a thing, together.
You sound heartbroken. How can you describe your current situation?
Well, the "man" has me staying at this place called the "Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary." I tell you, it's certainly not a story book ending for me. They've locked me away in a penitentiary for walking through a parking lot to try and find some frozen yogurt! Apparently I'm "illegal" to be around because I might be infected with herpes or hepatitis…but I'm not. Make sure you put that in your article. I don't have a disease. I don't want to ruin my game with the ladies. I have an open relationship and I can't have them think that I'm all covered in herpes or hepatitis.
You know what's really weird?
Besides this conversation, you mean?
The sanctuary has adopted me to live with a baboon woman who always wanted to be a mother, but wasn't able to have a child. For some reason they think this is the right decision. They've taken me away from my human lover, an evolved monkey, and gave me to a baboon, a very basic form of monkey. We have nothing in common.
Sounds like a lot of monkey business.
We went through this whole interview without any monkey puns. We're done now.